interesting find

I found this on Wikipedia while looking for a book on urban weeds, re Prof Lewontin of Harvard University:

Lewontin has also written on the economics of agribusiness. He has contended that hybrid corn was developed and propagated not because of its superior quality, but because it allowed agribusiness corporations to force farmers to buy new seed each year rather than plant seed produced by their previous crop of corn. Lewontin testified in an unsuccessful suit in California challenging the state's financing of research to develop automatic tomato pickers, favoring the profits of agribusiness over the employment of farm workers.

So I went to Indianpolis this week and hung out with standard agronomists and kids from standard high-input agriculture. It was fascinating to observe. The same companies that took the profit out of farming from farmers, and that continue to profit from farmers' hard work, actually have them all convinced that they are working for their sake--and the greatest good. The enemy is the city-based environmentalist, with silly demands about things they don't understand. There is a huge, misplaced gap that needs to filled.

After WWII, farmers were told they had to mechanize. Animals, which provided work and manure, were replaced with machines that required fuel (fuel was previously farmer-grown pasture) and inorganic fertilizers. It was brilliant--farmers were told it was for their own good, to maximize their yields. Control was taken out of their hands and into the hands of companies selling them their products. Yield *is* better, but only because it is so high-input. Calorie-for-calorie, it is not more efficient (like corn ethanol fuel--looks more efficient only when full costs of growing it are not included).

Then the plant breeding programs started. Many programs explicitly had the goal *not* of improving yield, but of making a patentable seed that could be sold to farmers. Farmers never had to buy seed before, but with the breeding programs, they now felt they had to buy the seed. Hybrids were invented for this reason, *not* for yield improvements. Genetic engineering is just an extension of this. The technology and motive is not much different (the fact that city environmentalists think it is very different, decreases their credibility and pits them against farmers who feel helped by this).

Interesting things have also happened with commodity markets and other different forms of ownership. The point is, self-sufficiency was taken away from farmers, and made to feel it was in their self interest. The gap is SO huge--there are literally farmers who say glyphosate (Round-up) is so safe, you can drink it. Because it's for killing plants, you see, and so it's safe for humans. BUT it is true that it is much safer than some other herbicides out there--paraquat for instance, is far worse. BUT it is also true that Round-up has increased monoculture, which is horrible for many reasons (environmentally and for food security). So, these issues are complex. But I am listening to the other side, not pushing my point of view, just listening. My mind is slightly more clear from meditation, and I am so glad I can listen without judging much. I can't pretend to have all the answers.
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Side note: no recycling, and I made it as a vegetarian by eating huge amounts of fresh corn and melon--certainly there was no Boca or mushroom burger. So it was a different world, one full of strip malls. Very interesting.

Indianapolis makes me happy to be living in Ithaca... the beauty, existence of basic amenities (like sidewalks and recycling), people aware and striving to improve things. It'll be good to be back on Friday night.

Tomorrow I leave for Indianapolis for my weed contest. Busy, busy.

I drank coffee yesterday and it had some of the interesting effect as before, but mostly not. Mostly it did nothing. That's what drugs usually do for me, they usually work really well or too well the first few times, and then do nothing.

Still studying weeds, going to the farmer's market... simple things. I love it here, so pretty.
I don't like meditation at all right now. I'm only doing it because it is a commitment. Commitments are keeping your word, to yourself, and I do believe in that.

Happy Friday!

So Silk Soymilk (owned by Dean Foods) is no longer certified organic. But they put the word "natural" on there, which people like. It's pretty ridiculous and shows the danger of organics going mainstream. It would be a good thing if it wasn't owned by companies accountable to their shareholders (thus putting profit first). But the way it is going, they are doing everything they can to oppose organics, as long as it gets in the way of their profits (Whole Foods and their anti-organic lobbying is a great example of this).
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Meditation is getting more interesting. I have taken greater pains to rest afterward and let everything I dug up during the session dissolve. I always *should* have done this, but didn't have the patience. Now I am, because I feel the difference (I have more inner silence--just a bit). And in doing so, I feel more clear in my daily life. It is all self-reinforcing. I have more frequent glimpses of the "witness" state--every few days, for sure. They are integrating more with my daily life.

I am reading more and it seems that at some point, you can get to where thoughts are not very intrusive and meditation is blissful. It varies from person to person, all our circumstances are different. A few times now I have felt not bliss, but a mild endorphin rush similar to what I feel after a good workout. I have experienced greater bliss from workouts; this was very mild. But it was nice to get a glimpse of quiet. I do know better than to expect to expect anything from meditation.

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Next week I go to Indiana for a weeds contest. I am cramming my brain with names of weeds and pesticides (yes, pesticides. Know thy enemy, I say ;)) and modes of actions and scientific names. Tons and tons of info! But I will retain most of it for the weeds themselves, and it will be good to be informed about pesticides. There are better and worse pesticides, no doubt. I love weeds. Many have edible or herbal uses, and the way they fit into ecological niches is fascinating. I had no idea of this when I started... but they are my favorite type of plants now, after trees.

Things I need to remember for my meditation (personal list, not general recommendations):
-let mantra fade out completely before picking it up again
-rest afterwards to let all the junk fully fade away/transform or whatever it does
-no thought is justified. Always favor the mantra. The whole point is that no thought is justified, in a sense.
-let it go on its own it's all there, I'm just along for the ride.

I went mulberry picking after work today! I did it for an hour; until I couldn't reach anymore. I stood on a railing to reach some but didn't climb up the tree. My hands are stained purple.

Really silly thoughts keep popping up--they always did, but now they are more exposed for what they are. So silly! All the time! I can't tell if I've actually regressed, or am just more aware. "Well, I did blah-blah-blah." Who comes up with these things? I feel like I'm dealing with an annoying child. It's actually really nice to not identify with it. I think back, "Yes, dear, we know you're a good student and very bright and worldly, please stop talking about it, even I (your self) is bored by this prattling on." It's mortifying in one sense, but amusing in another.

I try to not say them, but sometimes I do. I would love to go to a 10-day Vipassana retreat, where you spend ten days in silence, with multiple daily mindfulness meditations. They say your mind begins to unravel during the ten days, in a way you can't in normal life. And afterwards, the unwinding continues anytime you are silent. I am sure it would feel long and horrible for days, but I would enjoy life much better afterwards. That's my only hope--enjoying what I have. I make my life so much better, and progress more in general, when I'm making the most of things. That's the paradox. The more you dislike life, the worse it becomes--it doesn't motivate you to actually change. But being able to be there, makes now the best you can make it.

So, when can I get ten days off for a non-vacation vacation? Not sure. But hopefully in the next few years. Before I wasn't ready, but now I think I am as ready as I can be.

My mind flits around like crazy and I often find it hard to concentrate. It is 500 times worse when I am very tired. I can't stand it because I want to enjoy what I am doing, but I can't. I want day to go by, for my obligation to be over so I won't have to keep trying to concentrate (which is failing anyway).

I walk by the waterfall, but I can't enjoy it. I want to be at the top of the hill. I'm at the top of the hill, it's a nice view, but I want to be at the bottom, done walking down. I'm in class, I want to be at home. I'm at home, I'm bored. It never ends. It makes me insane. I understand what Eckhart Tolle said, I can't live with myself anymore... who is this "self" I can't live with?

I am so tired of wishing away my life, so I force myself to just sit there and concentrate for a little bit each day. I would like to think it doesn't matter much, and so I don't have to do it, but I know that's not true for me. All the eight limbs of yoga will work for me in the long run... I would like to be able to be just a little more still, so I stop missing the moments.

This morning was great. We went berry picking: they had black, red and yellow raspberries. Each type has a different flavor-black is my favorite. Then I picked up my CSA. They had sugar snap peas, tons of greens, and young summer squash. I've also been shelling and eating peas all day, since they harvested a bunch on the farm. It feels so great to be outside in the beautiful weather, using my hands to gather food for myself, and eating it fresh from the source. This is the great benefit of living in upstate NY. Sometimes I'm very homesick, but I also appreciate the natural beauty here.

I'm also learning a lot about the weeds here, plants you see everywhere. Plants make my heart sing.

I didn't write this, but I liked it--it was from a yoga forum, no real name given:

Our ego is like a toddler steering his toy steering wheel with great attention in the passenger seat as daddy drives. We feel disoriented, angry, and disappointed that the car keeps turning when we don't, and that our turns often have no effect. It's a nauseating disconnection. But there are enough random coincidences (I steer my toy wheel and the car really does go that way) to keep us hooked to the delusion for our entire bloody lives.

Let go of the chintzy little plastic toy steering wheel, already!

I love being outside all day and using my body and getting dirty. It feels so real.

One new thing I need to be better at--not knowing. Sometimes I have no idea what people are talking about, and when they explain, I don't understand their explanation. Or maybe I don't understand, so I pretend I think something's stupid. It happens all the time, and I pretend to save face or not annoy them. But it's not true. I didn't realize I was going it, until recently. People do want you to pretend, but if everyone was honest about this, there would be a lot more understanding of each other.

They all loved the vegan brownies! They were reluctant at first, and asked if there were any weird ingredients. Nope, no whole grain or applesauce or flax, just high fructose corn syrup, white flour, oil, etc. They were pleasantly surprised and found them to taste "really good, like normal ones", while I shelled and ate fresh peas from the farm. I'm so pleased!


Working with people from rural areas (they consider Ithaca urban) is interesting. Honestly, I admire people who can live in slow-paced situations. They have an inner silence I don't. I have an idea of it--I don't like cell phones, background radio and music, etc. I find them overly stimulating. But generally, I am not used to living in such a rural place and don't know if I'll ever be.

One thing I've watched myself think a lot is: why are they trying to make me do something I don't want to do!?

I think this very frequently. It goes: someone tells me something. I think: I don't want to! Anger wells up. Why do I have to do this? I don't want to do this? Why are they trying to make me do this? I hate it! How can I get out of this? How can I get out of this long-term? I hate this and I won't do it.

This pattern has been in me for as long as I remember. Since I was three, probably sooner. I think it goes deeper than just being bossed around as a child. But the reason doesn't necessarily matter. What matters is, this resistance to "what is" makes me miserable and I can't stand it. So I just watch the child in me have a tantrum, and maybe at some point I'll tire of it. Whatever I'm being forced to do isn't nearly as bad as what I do to myself.

back from Montreal

Wow, watching everything I say and the true motive behind it, is scary. I'm frequently so manipulative! Sometimes I just stop talking, because I can't think of anything to say that isn't to persuade or show off or put someone else down. I guess that's good; it's better to say nothing if you can't say anything good. I can really *feel* the impact of what I'm saying, so it doesn't feel as good to manipulative as when I wasn't as conscious of it. I guess that's why they say meditation can be morally self-regulating--hopefully you get naturally get drawn to a better way of behaving as you start to really *see* everything. I don't mean to say I see all that much, but that I can see my own actions more clearly than before. I'm glad I'm realizing this now. I easily could have gone through life without growing much, making myself miserable by wasting energy. It takes a lot of energy to maintain the belief that you aren't good enough, and even more trying to counter that by putting others down and myself up. I don't want to do that!
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I drank coffee on this trip again (to Montreal), black. I'm so proud that when I drink it, I drink it black. I feel like one of those tres-cool coffee snobs :) When I do this, I notice the same thing happens every time: at first it keeps me from falling asleep, then I feel very tired, then if I try to sleep my thoughts and heart start *racing* and I feel incredibly anxious.

This time, when my thoughts starting racing, I decided to stop resisting it. It was so difficult and uncomfortable to fight the deluge of thoughts racing around my mind, so instead of trying to avoid them, I pictured the energy popping up everytime I had a thought. I watched the energy pop (watched, yes; my thoughts often become hallucinations of sorts when I drink coffee. That's why I never enjoyed it!), pop pop, more and more, I had all sorts of weird realizations (but with practical implications), and it kept spinning more and more. As I watched it spin, my muscles started to relax like they haven't in so long. It was like the anxiety stored in my body was getting pushed out and released in my brain. This was the first time I ever watched it happen without fighting it (though I was still fighting it somewhat), and it was so so weird. But I'm really glad I felt relaxed in the end. The mind is an interesting thing!

Montreal was awesome, by the way. Loved it.

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I eat pretty healthy, but lately I've had a crazy habit: chewing packs of sugarless gum. It's not so crazy, but people keep looking at me funny for going through a couple of packs a day. I find the incessant chewing to up my mood and make me less anxious. Hopefully I'll feel like dropping the habit before I get aspartame-induced cancer. But for now, it's healthier than smoking or drinking or keeping all that tension in my body.

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I got free strawberries and peas today, loads and loads! And when I was picking juneberries, a lady told me where there are some blueberry bushes on campus. I love getting to eat so much fresh fruit for free, with my own hands. It feels so *right*.

Back to Montreal for the extended weekend, starting tomorrow! Je vais parler francais. I've put Portuguese on hold, temporarily. Yesterday I was asked, in Portuguese, how my studies were. "Eu no posso estudar portugues; eu vou a Montreal ama~na e eu tenho que falar frances." It took a lot of brainpower to get that out!

Old women have traditionally been strong and important to a society's health.

Juneberry and strawberry season is ending, but black raspberries are starting to ripen.

I wake up a lot at night, because my back is bothering me and I'm worried about having to get up soon. So I've been meditating laying down, because I hate sitting up right after waking up when I feel so tired... it's not optimal. But I need to meditate to relax my back. And so it goes.

More on truth

From The Four Agreements:

Everything we do is based on agreements we have made... the most important agreements are the ones we make with ourselves.

Be Impeccable With Your Word
Speak with integrity. Say only what you mean. Avoid using the word to speak against yourself or to gossip about others. Use the power of your word in the direction of truth and love.

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I have always thought truth was important. I would rather know a horrible truth than not know. But I can respect that not everyone wants that. Nothing wrong with being honest about what we are ready for.

Krishnamurti:

Truth is to be discovered and understood in every action, in every thought, in every feeling, however trivial or transient; it is to be observed at each moment of every day; it is to be listened to in what the husband and the wife say, in what the gardener says, in what your friends say, and in the process of your own thinking. Your thinking may be false, it may be conditioned, limited; and to discover that your thinking is conditioned, limited, is truth. That very discovery sets your mind free from limitation. If you discover that you are greedy - if you discover it, and are not just told by somebody else - that discovery is truth, and that truth has its own action upon your greed.

Deep down, everyone knows their own truths, I think. But being able to find that spot is difficult.
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I just watched a video about labels. Labels are easy to critique, but isn't any word a label? At heart, I agree with the critique; I have always felt that language is so limiting. It's just a label for whatever concept you want to express. The most important things have no words.

But words are convenient for expressing a feeling or request. So in the same way we use words, it's convenient for me to call myself whatever. And sometimes I avoid those labels because it makes people think of stereotypes. Labels are just like any other words, but any less useful.
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I hear a lot of strange things when I meditate. Lots of screaming lately. My mind doesn't want to do it. But no matter what story I tell myself, I know it is important for me long-term.

Not much news on Iran anymore since Michael Jackson died. I heard from my cousin and he said the situation is bad--people are sick of the corrupt government that keeps on intruding in their lives. But it might continue for a while longer.
* * *
Someone I work with said the first time they ever held a baby was last year. They still don't know how to hold one and don't really like them. And she's from a rural area--it goes to show how disjointed our supposedly family-friendly society is.
* * *
My adviser made a crack about having dinner with two vegans (us)--would it be all lettuce? So I'm bringing some vegan brownies tomorrow for the whole lab, to show how decadent vegan food can be. I bought one of the standard mixes, with lots of sugar. Hopefully it turns out well! I was going to make something that I would eat, but I realized that it would be a lot of money to make something they wouldn't like (like whole grain flax banana muffins). This was 99 cents and I bought a small bottle of oil for $3. Fat, salt and sugar are vegan, so vegan can be as unhealthy as anything else, I always say. :)

My thoughts about truth involve a broader definition. I was thinking how often I saw something to elicit a certain response from someone-- approval, to get them to do something for me, etc. In a sense, the things I say to get something are not really true. I'll have to elaborate on this more later.
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Fruit season is in full swing! I've been picking white and red mulberries, juneberries, and black and red raspberries are beginning to come into season here. I also went cherry picking at the orchards--just this weekend we (in the horticulture department) were allowed to pick for free. Most of them were molded, sadly, but I had never gone cherry picking before and I loved it.
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I'm not sure how much sleep I get. During the school year, I often get only 7.5 hours--I can't feel good with less than eight. If I have a bad or busy night when I am very stressed, I might get only 5 hours and it never gets made up. The debt just keeps accumulating.

I'm reading a book about the effects of artificial lights and sleep deprivation. It's very interesting, though parts are poorly written. It gets into assumptions about what we evolved to do, and a Paleo diet--lots of poor assumptions about what we evolved to do IMO. More assumptions than science.

I am doing lots of reading on the importance of sleep, hormonally and for health in general. In that vein, it's after ten and I'm going to bed. But tomorrow I want to write on what I have been thinking about, being truthful. I hold truth as very important, but I have recently realized some ways in which I haven't been as truthful as I like to think (both with myself and others).

I'm learning a lot of common weeds and other edibles, working on the farm and in the lab, and gathering berries. Still working on getting enough sleep...

Finding Reliable Sources of Information about Vegan Nutrition

By Virginia Messina, MPH, RD:

If our argument isn’t built on a strong and reliable foundation, we give people the opportunity to dismiss us or show that we don’t know what we’re talking about. And when bad information causes vegans to adopt risky nutrition behaviors, we give the opposition more ammunition for their “vegan diets are unhealthy” argument.… Vegan diets are far better than the way most Americans eat. But we just don’t have the data to show that they are the only healthful diet. We already have an unassailable message—that a vegan diet is the only responsible and ethical way to eat. There is no need to embellish that with statements that can’t be supported.

While meditating, sometimes I see the way I process thoughts to protect myself--or at least in a way I unconsciously think protects me. When I receive information, I put it in a place and set in there, then I look at it afterwards. I don't let myself experience things instantly, for some reason.

The situation in Iran is very sad. It's also hopeful though, because it has been long overdue for change. The population is young and well-educated (my impression is, better-educated than Americans--my dad was middle class, yet his high school classes were same as undergraduate college level here). They are all treated like they are idiots and inevitably will demand something better.

No strawberry picking, due to rain. But I found regular and white mulberry trees (the white ones I had never seen before, they taste mild, like cucumber) and juneberries. Yea for berry season!

I also had this idea that I could go to the mall, to walk around while it was rainy outside. Sure, I'm not a mall person, but I don't want to be a snob, right? Wrong! The mall is a miserable place... if that is regular America, I am not a regular American at all. It was depressing and overloading and consumeristic and I will not be going back any time soon. The bookstore was fun, though.

It's berry season at last! I found a mulberry tree and am going strawberry picking tomorrow.
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Life is a bizarre act. I am reminded of this every time I look in the mirror. What looks back always, always surprises me. I like to look in it everyday, not out of vanity or insecurity, but to try and relate the internal with the external. All day, I walk around as myself, and the stories I make up in my head. Then I look in the mirror and see someone completely unrelated to any of my personal experiences of existing (outside of others' reactions to me). I would never be able to guess what I look like by being in my head. I've heard of people being surprised by their aging faces in the mirror--wrinkles, gray hairs. Was there a time when their reflection *didn't* surprise them? Many people's identities are wrapped up in their images, especially if they learned to get approval that way. Good-looking people are thought of as fortunate, but attachment to that identity seems so unlucky!

When we do start to connect our image with ourselves? I remember taking my baby sister to the mirror and showing her her reflection, trying to figure out what she was thinking. Did she understand this is what people saw her as? At first she looked puzzled. Her gaze would go to me, and the me in the mirror, and then herself. When she finally laughed, I guessed that she understood. What's funnier than reality? That's why there are all those stories of enlightened monks being goofballs.

I'm going to take a hot bath, one of the simplest and greatest luxuries. I can't believe how lucky I am.

nearly one yr update

I was told I would feel more comfortable after a year in a new place. I don't think so--I felt somewhat more comfortable after six months, but I don't think this place will ever feel like home. It's too homogeneous for me. But, it is a nice place to call home for a short period and I'm sure I will look back at it fondly. The most important right now is to take advantage of the new location--I am about five hours from so many different places and have the chance to visit many places I never had before. While, in the midwest, five hours doesn't really take you anywhere. I have the chance for many more experiences while I am here.

I was reminded of one of my favorite parts from the movie "I (heart) Huckabees" the other day:

Albert Markovski: No, I'm not. I'm talking about not covering every square inch with houses and strip malls until you can't remember what happens when you stand in a meadow at dusk.
Bret: What happens in the meadow at dusk?
Albert Markovski: Everything!
Mrs. Hooten: Nothing!
Albert Markovski: Everything.
Mrs. Hooten: Nothing!
Albert Markovski: Everything!
Mrs. Hooten: Nothing!
Albert Markovski: It's beautiful.
Tommy Corn: It's beautiful.

That's all I care about.

I'm learning a bunch of things I never would have chosen to learn on my own--programming for SAS (a statistical program) software, calibration of equipment for pesticide spraying, agricultural machinery. Maybe it's good to develop those parts of my brain (which have always been weaker), but I kind of doubt it. There is nothing on the artistic side--it is completely lopsided. I haven't been able to stand fiction books for years. I can't stand scientific discussion that isn't very precise. They call it "training" for a reason--they train you to think in a very specific way. I am constantly being tested, being asked questions. The answer isn't as important as the reasoning I give.

I can't wait until this foolish business is done. Then I can throw paint on walls and be ridiculous and dance and rebuild the other, atrophied side of my brain. School is basically to train the creativity out of you, for whatever subject you study. It is also very good at making people invested in a system that doesn't work. So you get students coming in that are idealistic and care. And the output is jaded, cynical graduates who worked so hard and don't want to lose it all for something that isn't going to happen anyway (whatever change they initially believed in). So they drop their initial values for something more "practical" that they are told will make them happy.

Of course it doesn't make people happy to accumulate excess wealth (happiness cannot come from outside, once basic needs are met), and it can't be justified anyway. The flip side to this system is that all wealth is built on the backs of exploited people everywhere, so I am not extremely interested in this wealth. I am pretty well off right now and wouldn't need that much more money to comfortably have a family. I am so lucky to be in this position (born in the US to literate parents who could always feed me), and to not be under the illusion that the point of life is to accumulate wealth. That is such a poisonous trap. As it is, I am extremely wealthy to be able to travel so much. I'm not saving right now, but I don't care. I'm so lucky to get to have all these experiences now. I want to keep going with them while I can.

driving and Montreal

Hmm, turns out my driving experience is all rural experience--from the edge of Cornell to the research farm doesn't even involve going through Ithaca, or encountering hardly any traffic. So I am still terrified of city driving.
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Montreal was great, we were there for a short time and want to go back. Halfway there I realized they speak French there and that I should be studying the phrasebook I brought. I took jr. high French over ten years ago and studied three languages since, so it's pretty buried and I could hardly remember pronunciation. But I used it! I always started in French, sometimes they switched to English but mostly they smiled kindly and spoke slowly and I bumbled along and guessed what they were saying and with my reply. It was humbling but exciting.

When we were looking for a hotel, I walked past some guys and my ears perked up. Their language sounded familiar!

"Uds hablan espan~ol?"
"Si, claro."

And so I got directions :)

OK, we are leaving for Montreal tomorrow, and coming back Sunday. I don't look forward to the time in the car, but it will be a different experience.

I am noticing so many things I do. More and more things I need to improve, I guess. Does that mean I've progressed? Getting to another layer, of seemingly endless layers? The more you know, the more you know you don't know?

I have certain physical imbalances (more and more I see the connection between physical and mental, to the point that it really seems all the same to me--it just depends where you focus). My left upper back is weaker, and my "core" on that side is weaker and my whole body contorts to compensate.

Also, I cringe a lot. I squint and wrinkle my brow a lot (this is from my dad), especially when I think. Frowning and smiling have been shown to affect hormone release, and mood--so this I want to change. Relax the facial muscles and you will feel more relaxed.

When I feel attacked, I get very rigid and protective. And my tone gets sharp. I feel wounded but unconsciously sound like I'm going on the offensive. I don't judge myself for this--but it is not helpful. It is useful to observe so I can change it.

I tense my shoulders a lot. I have known this for some time (they were horrible when my parents announced their divorce five years ago, it really stressed me out). Now I can feel the muscles even more precisely.

I like to eat for stress, for low energy, for sleep deprivation, for low mood, for tension--all the same, really. It feels calming and helps me stay awake. I have such trouble existing when I don't get enough sleep. I feel so depressed when I am sleep deprived, and I never feel depressed when I get enough sleep. I can handle anything, mentally, if I get enough sleep. And I can't handle anything if I don't.

A lot of things I do seem like I have high self-control or denial, but the truth is the opposite. I almost wish I could, but I am very bad at ignoring certain demands of my body. It is so sensitive! I can't drink much because I hate drinking, so I can't do it to conform. Not because I am trying to be healthy. Though I suppose I hate it because I feel its effects on my body and mind... it would be easier if I could conform, maybe. But I can't. My friend that is staying with us never drinks at all and it makes me feel so good to not have to pretend. I can *not* drink with him, and it is totally fine with him and I feel like I am allowed to be myself. I am not going to drink to fit in, I think. Doing so feels like a betrayal to myself. I am fine drinking a bit every once in a while, but that is it.

I want to be positive... but I need to be clear but the areas in which I need improvement. I feel relieved that I can admit these things, and honestly work on them. Life is just for learning.

summer at last!

Finally I am starting to adjust to the earlier start time. I wake up at quarter to 7 now, and the shift was small but very hard. I enjoy getting to bed earlier and waking up earlier (closer to the sun, a more natural rhythm), but it was hard to get my body used to it. I spend lots of time outside, in the soil, with plants. The work is not interesting and my legs and arms are often sore, but I love it. I love the fresh air, seeing the sky (cloudy or sunny), and knowing I am getting stronger. It's also warm on a much more consistent basis, and I love it. Summer is here at last. It doesn't get quite as hot as Minnesota (and I *love* the heat), but finally the time of year I have been waiting for all year is here. Summertime!

We may take a road trip to Montreal this weekend. A friend wants to go to med school there. I have hardly been to Canada and am excited. It will be quick, though.

I haven't enjoyed meditation lately but just kept on plodding through, doing the minimum I consider acceptable. I think because I have been so tired it has been tough... but the last few days, feeling more alive with summer and early bedtimes makes me feel so good overall. And this morning I was disappointed when my meditation time was over. I really relaxed and let go like I hadn't been able to for awhile. Do I wake up earlier to make more time for it, taking advantage of how much I am enjoying it? Or do I try and fit in a longer second session? It is so much harder in the middle of the day--I always want to do things. I still have to decide.

farmers' market

One thing that makes me uncomfortable is the racial segregation in Ithaca. There are African-Americans, they're about 10% of the population, and they all live in the same neighborhood (a few blocks from me). It's nothing I haven't seen before, but there is so much talk at Cornell (almost all white, plus international students) and in the town. Many people have told me Ithaca is all talk, little action. I understand how that can happen, I don't want to be too critical (some places don't even have talk! I'm so glad there is a dialogue starting in Ithaca). It just means that is a place for improvement.

So one very positive development in this area is a produce market at a local community center. They are being very careful to make it accessible, by putting it at a good time, in a good location, with affordable prices. The farmers' market here is very inaccessible--across a highway, expensive, all white plus immigrants. Not very welcoming for those who could benefit the most (I still enjoy going, though). I'm going to try and go this Friday, and see how it is. I don't want to be stuck in the Ivy Tower--Cornell has a lot of smart people, but they are not always in touch with the rest of the world.
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My other big goal is still to do a pull-up. There is no timeline and I can't even start to pull myself up, *still*... but it will happen. It took four years before I could do the splits. I take my time with my goals--but when I am determined, I will complete them, at some point.

Our guest arrived today! He's very low maintenance and doesn't require any of my attention, but will walk with me to the coop and bookstore. But he isn't delighted by libraries for some reason! I LOVE libraries, they are a perfect model for how things should be--a shared community resource available to all.

I have been thinking about the saying "the road to hell is paved with good intentions". I started thinking about this seriously when reading an article in Peru about well-intentioned Americans and Europeans who would go down there and tell people what to do, doing more harm than good. Naïveté can be more harmful than malice, I think. The fact that one doesn't care enough to seriously investigate what they are doing is an indirect kind of malice, and one less likely to be recognized because the intention is supposedly good. Intention is important, but intention has to be followed by right action.

summer in NY...

We are going to have a car starting tomorrow--not really my car, and I am glad. But it will be nice to be able to go out to places that are really hard to get to by bike--up to an hour of walking the bike up hills PLUS X miles. There are pick-your-own berry farms, a glass museum, Farm Sanctuary, and state parks and cities. It's nice to know about (even though really, I hate sitting in a car--once in a while is enough time in a car for me).

We start planting peppers soon. I loooove red bell peppers.

Also met someone who knows about Juneberries etc. I think I will be able to find places to go berry foraging this year!

Today we planted cabbage transplants. We fertilized them with fish emulsion (not my choice) and two people sat on a gizmo on the back of a tractor and frantically put the transplants through the holes in the carousel. Two people followed and kept the other two stocked with plants and made up for any errors. It was a long day, but nice to get in all that walking.

It was also very cold, for June. It's warmer than I'm used to in the winter and cooler than I'm used to in the summer. Sad! I love my toasty summers. I would love to live in a place in the 80s or 90s for a solid amount of time.

My other excitement was the Purely Decadent Coconut Milk Peanut Butter Swirl ice cream I tried...it was great! Okay, off to bed. I need to make up for a late night last night.

The most interesting thing about Cornell is to see all these people living the American ideal--they have prestigious jobs and lots of material wealth. Sometimes I think, hmmm, maybe there's nothing wrong with it, if people genuinely find it fulfilling. And then I remember that the whole system of wealth is built of the backs of the world majority--the working poor--as well as destruction of the planet. It's a point not to be forgotten...

I saw a toad today, and brought it over by the local creek. I love toads and frogs and turtles. I just love them, more than cats of dogs. They're more quiet and unassuming, like trees.

The NYT has a great video about this woman who had three boys and adopted a six-year old girl. I think that's so great, except that I would do it after one. Two total is plenty. From what I have heard, the idea that "what's one more?" is a giant myth and that each extra child is a lot of extra work.

I just saw a clip of something with the main character of I (heart) Huckabees. It reminded me how much I loved his character in that movie: the bike-riding environmentalist, who won't give up, even knowing how little of a difference he can make (though he succumbs to nihilism for a short while). I love that so much. It's easy to work hard for a cuase when you're naive and idealistic. It's much harder, and much more noble to work for something when you know how hard it is, and how little you might accomplish. And yet you do it anyway, because you know that doing the most you can *does* matter, and is the only thing that matters. The fact that people will continue to work for good in the face of such huge obstacles is amazing.

I am thinking right now about the landless peasant movements--they have no power but they are doing whatever they can to reclaim their land. It's beautiful. How can people in this country give up so easily, when they have so few obstacles compared to people in other countries? So many people give up their ideals and become unfulfilled cookie-cutter people. Even if you can't (or "can't") do what you had wanted to, it doesn't mean you have to give up completely.

I found one really great thing about this cell phone. You can turn it off to save the battery, and then you don't have to worry about it at all. I used to always answer my home phone, because the sound bothered me so much. I didn't turn it off (especially because I didn't have an answering machine). So this is more convenient, in that sense. But, I still prefer a landline. I will probably go back to just the landline after I move from here, if my next job allows it. I've seen people move from having a cell phone to not again. If I could find a rotary phone, even better :)

I just read and article about how America is becoming more multiracial (think Obama) and how hopefully we won't have to hear questions like "What are you?" anymore. I used to think it was an okay question, but the older I get, the more I realize that's it's just a rude question. The only purpose is to see what set of stereotypes you fit into. It was really nice to read comments from people with all sorts of backgrounds relating to this. And maybe people will start to realize that different sorts of "white" are ethnicities, too--so really, very few people are not mixed. If white-looking people were asked the same question, it would be a lot more valid and interesting, and it wouldn't feel like a way of putting people in a box.

I met a bunch of South American grad students today. We spoke Spanish and it was a lot of fun. It's motivating to start studying again. And I saw a former classmate, who is married to a South American--their kids were *gorgeous*. It made my biological clock tick! But it is much more responsible, and fair, to have children when I am more mature.

Slowly I am seeing my reaction to things improve between meditation sessions, the longer I have been meditating. There are still highs and lows, but the lows aren't as often and are not taken as seriously, and the highs are better. Sleep helps so much, too. It makes my meditation more effective and makes life so much more livable. Sleep deprivation induces a depression for me that goes away as soon as I get enough sleep.

I have lots of things coming up. Lots of research to do as always, learning about weeds for a couple different things, the Ithaca Festival is this weekend. I also need to go looking for berry bushes, which will have berries in about a month. I like having a lot of variety. Even the best thing is boring when it's the same. Differences challenge me and are a lot more interesting.

I really like this post I found, http://soulsasylum.org/?p=96#more-96. Part of it is here:

Most of them fear that word (contentment) because they ultimately associate it with being lazy or not improving themselves.

The definition of contentment (from dictionary.com):

The state of being satisfied with what one is or has; not wanting more or anything else.

According that definition, contentment has two legs. First, being content means being satsified with what you have. Satisfaction does not mean that you are lazy or have no drive. For example, when you eat until you are satisfied, that does not inherently mean that you’ll never eat again. It means that at the moment you have had your fill and are going to enjoy it.

The second leg is “not wanting more.” It’s important to focus on that word “want,” because that does not mean that you can’t strive to go beyond your contentment. It simply means that you strip yourself of the desire for more.

Desire is detrimental to your growth anyway. Desire will make you impatient, nervous, worrisome, etc. It’s your desire that gets in the WAY of your growth. So, in a sense, not being content means that you are too desirous to create clear, consistent actions with which to better yourself.

Contentment is also a way of keeping yourself in the present moment. A content person will not worry about the future or stress about the past. A content person exhibits self-confidence. A content person is not pushy, clingy, greedy, or nervous because calmness resonates throughout them. They know that no matter what has happened yesterday or what will happen tomorrow they are inherently satisfied today.

peas

Today I found some peas from last year that sprouted up in the middle of a hairy vetch-rye cover crop. I ate the shoots and they were so good. The whole thing was mowed to prepare for bell peppers.

Abstract from Cultivating the future based on science, "The comparative energy efficiency of organic farming":

Organic farming is generally a more energy efficient system of food production. Comparative analyses of fifteen crop and livestock sectors indicate that UK organic farming uses around 26% less energy per tonne of output on average. The main energy saving is from the non-use of industrially produced inorganic nitrogen fertiliser. Organic farming is more energy efficient for wheat, most field vegetables, milk, red meat and pigs, but it is less efficient for poultry production.
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It doesn't surprise me that organic is not always efficient for meat. In a way, factory farming is a great system. It is the only realistic way of keeping up with Americans' insatiable appetite for meat--pack 'em in like they're any other product.

National Organization For Women Turns 39 Again

The above is from The Onion, of course.

I wanted to write something, but it's my bedtime. So, tomorrow.

From the Tao Te Ching

“The sage does not compete with anyone, hence no one can compete with him.”.

This morning was great. I had to move these little flags marking the research plots so that the tractor could pull the rotovator (which scrambles up the top few inches) through, to destroy the weeds. Then I got to move them back. It was low stress, and I got to walk around outside--a very simple, nice time.

I also got to gather edible weeds for my green juice. It's so fun.

It's just Wednesday and I already I look pretty different--much darker. I need to remember sunscreen, my sunhat, and longer sleeves. I am aging my skin rapidly! But it just never hurts, so I never remember. I'm going to try to now--last year I really didn't even make an effort. I am convinced that eight hours of sun isn't really good for you, despite what some say. No sun is bad, but the main proponents of "you can never get too much sun" look really sun-weathered.

A new guy started with us, and he dislikes cars as much as me. It's actually too bad, because it means he doesn't enjoy driving, meaning I have to keep taking my turn. I think I scare him with my driving, though. He had a car in high school and so drives like a normal person. The bulk of my driving experience is right now, and so I drive like a scared senile cat (or some other animal that was not meant to be in a car). Anyway, it's nice to have new people to talk to, and people with some intelligence about issues. Most people I meet, in general, have some sort of intelligence. People don't seem shocked by my views much (though of course I do always water them down--but even watered down, they are a little alternative, since I am a bad faker). Where are all the people who voted for McCain? Maybe in the south, I've never been there...

Perfect weather for farming! Sunny and cool in the mornings, 70s in the day. The new crew is starting, so I don't have to be alone. Luckily people attracted to research in organics are a lot more interesting than other people.

On the weekends, I've been sleeping nine or ten hours a night--so great! I think I have to go to bed at ten to feel really good waking up at seven. When I don't sleep, I notice my meditation isn't very good (because it is so hard to concentrate and not fall asleep), and I don't the good calm afterwards. So off to bed in a few hours, then!

From the Happy Herbivore:

15oz can black beans, drained and rinsed
2 bananas
1/3 cup agave nectar
1/4 cup cocoa
1 tbsp ground cinnamon
1 tsp vanilla extract
a few drops mint extract *optional
1/4 cup raw sugar **optional
1/4 cup quick/instant oats
chocolate chips *optional
chopped walnuts *optional

1. Preheat 350F
2. Combine all ingredients, except oats, in a food processor or blender
3. Blend until smooth, scrapping sides as needed
4. Stir in the oats
5. Pour into a greased 8×8 in pan
6. Bake approx 30 minutes, toothpick test
7. Allow to completely cool before slicing
** if you find these brownies are too soft or too fudgey, add another 1/4 cup oats or flour

I did stevia instead of agave, and almond flavoring instead of mint, and no oats. They needed to be cooked for a long time and were more like fudge than brownies... I liked them that way. But I always preferred undercooked food--undercooked rice, undercooked noodles, cookie dough and cake batter. It's funny :)

The season has started! I like research SO much more than classes. Today we took soil samples and discussed next steps to take. Tomorrow we'll take weed and cover crop biomass samples, and two new student helpers will start. The weather is great and I love working outside, getting tired and dirty. Much better than being inside all day, begging to look outside the window. But also reminded me why I don't want a garden! You get tired standing all day!

The Obama machine is brilliant. He is just as pro-war as any other president, but because he is president, and uses lots of pretty words, the peace movement is complacent with him as the figurehead. One of his first acts was to approve bombing Pakistan--brilliant! So glad I stayed true to myself and didn't vote for him. If McCain had won, the only difference would be the beneficiaries of some of the subsidies--they would have been much more "pro-business". So, same story, more flowery language. Yawn!

I made black bean brownies and were told they tasted more beanie than sweet. I couldn't taste it at all! And I was the queen of sugar in the past (I would eat tubs of frosting, as one example). I don't even like dried fruit very much anymore--too harsh and sweet. Okay, but not fresh like plain old fruit. So, to make vegan desserts palatable to a regular audience, I need guinea pigs willing to taste test for me. Anyway, the black bean brownies have a much better texture and taste than regular ones IMO. It's a success in my book!

This article about skepticism reminded me of a process I went through. Basically I found skepticism to be a crutch, a way to stay within your own belief system and never challenge yourself. It's much easier to be closed-minded than open-minded. But what is the point of a life lived like that? It makes it much harder to grow and be happier. And as the article says, so what if you're open-minded to a belief that turns out to be wrong, when you're also open-minded to other, possibly contradictory, ideas? It just shows that skepticism is rooted in fear of the unknown or fear of being wrong. That being said, it's probably a good first step for someone coming from a background of fundamentalist religion. This also has good thoughts.

When I meditate, my mind always tries to bring up things I "have" to think about. It tries to make a case for why I should let myself think about it for just a minute. It's just a lie... there is always something else. I used to hear out my arguments. Since I came back from MN, something shifted. No more--as soon as I catch myself listening to these arguments, I snap back to my mantra. There is never a good reason to even hear out my argument for why I "have to" listen. It's all a game, and I'm tired of it. I'm starting to catch myself doing this in everyday life, too.

Meditation is not as hard right now; I'm not fighting it so much. And so my back hurts less... and it's easier to run. All these things are different manifestations of the same things. The sun helps so much, too.

spring foods!

I went for a nice run today in Ithaca and gathered a bunch of wild greens to juice--very bitter but felt really good in my body. Dandelion greens, plantain and lambsquarters are everywhere, and probably less polluted compared to big cities. I also had sunchokes for the first time today (bought from the coop), raw, and they were great.

I think going home briefly was just what I needed because my back is so much more relaxed than it was before. It was nice to get away from here again and put things back in perspective. Ithaca is boring, but still very nice, and Cornell is one of the most beautiful campuses, period.

Must study, finals are nearly done.

Being back at my parents' makes me realize how much I dislike the suburbs, even a working class one. Really boring. So, even though Ithaca isn't as cool as Minneapolis, it is still progressive and beautiful and everything's within walking distance. It's not a bad place to be.

It's so fun to be back home. My parents were so surprised. It was great. I also ran into my old roommates yesterday by accident. I was so happy because I had wanted to see them but hadn't gotten ahold of them yet. It was so great. And I realized I left a year ago. A whole year. Nothing is the same.

This summer, what's going on. A new vegan restaurant is opening in Ithaca in a month or two...I want to take advantage of being Ithaca and try sailing...I will go hiking...go foraging for wild edibles... I have a CSA share... more pick-up truck driving.



But I still have a few finals when I get back. Better study.

Boston was a lot of fun, I'm still chewing on everything from there. And now off to Minneapolis. I couldn't help but think that Ithaca is a nice place, as I sat in the taxi, riding to the airport. Until we got to the strip malls. I love the city of Ithaca, but the strip malls on the outskirts are awful--I'm glad they made them put them outside, where I almost never have to see them.

Very, very sleep deprived from finals and all this travel. I'm a little concerned about this. Hopefully I will just sleep, lots.

I found a really interesting blog on integral Buddhism. It discusses things like the psychology of long-term relationship, shadow selves and sub-personalities, why we clash with others--really practical and useful. So much to think about. Of course it talks about how we have in ourselves whatever we dislike most about others. Here is discusses these aspects as disowned subpersonalities and recommends embracing those subpersonalities, but growing them and expressing them in a mature, healthy way. There are ways to let them come out, instead of being ashamed of them.

I changed my yoga practice from 20 minutes once a day to ten minutes twice a day. I don't like changing it so much--I should be more steady, but as long as I do it daily, I should get some long-term benefit. Twice a day is supposed to be good because you get the benefits throughout the whole day--where, at once a day, it peters off by mid-day. I tried twice a day before, but it was 40 mins total; too much. 20 total is good for now.

Lately I was wondering why I don't feel much peace from meditation. I used to, but not anymore. I think I dug up too much at once and am still dealing with the fallout from that. Soon, I think, it will get to be more peaceful, as long as I'm not too eager to dredge up more than I can handle.

Now that it's not freezing out, I keep making banana ice cream with my juicer (the homogenizing feature), it is so good.

More reasons to meditate.

I've been thinking lately about why I went vegetarian. The past couple years, I've heard a lot about factory farming, and going vegan to "reduce suffering". But that wasn't why I went vegetarian, and that's not why I am opposed to animal testing and other abuses. I am against unnecessary farm. Buying meat from a small farm still promotes unnecessary harm, and unnecessary violence. It's an issue because I could easily get non-factory farmed meat. But is it necessary? No, I know it would be wrong of me to do, because I know better. I have to deny a part of myself to engage in such practices. Sure, if it is necessary, it is a different story. People also can be driven to practices such as cannibalism and infanticide in certain situations, but it's not pertinent to my situation. So, it's disingenuous to say it's about factory farms and the quality of an animal's life--that's just the tip of the iceberg for me, I see being vegan as an extension of the peace movement; avoiding harm when possible.

Boston was fun, I was mostly in Cambridge. Just walked around, went to my conference. Lots of good ideas there.. I am still chewing on them. Ithaca is small but beautiful and people are nice. Just so much slower-paced than I am used to. I wish finals were over...

My mood is slowly improving... it is true that I should be able to be happy anywhere I am. It's internal. I am slowllllly making up my big sleep deficit, and that is probably the main thing that is helping. I slept almost 12 hours on Sunday, and have been getting decent amounts of sleep since. Realistically, it won't resolve overnight.

I really should have known better. I always thought sleep was important. My final paper in a class my last semester of college was about hormonal effects of sleep deprivation, and how that leads to increased appetite and fat deposition. My speech to my English class in 9th grade was about how I hated my alarm clock (I liked my work to be personally relevant ;)). I suffered chronic sleep deprivation headaches in high school, during the school year, until I started taking classes at the U of M. So I should know how sensitive I am to sleep deprivation.

It's sunny and warm here, I'm not sure how long that will last. But I'm off to Boston for the weekend! Should be great regardless of the weather.

sunny Sunday

I slept almost 12 hours last night--and it's in the 80s here--it's great. Just a few more weeks of classes to get through. I wish I could go home for more than a few days, and I'm going to Boston next weekend. I'm missing the end of the last day of classes--the Pussycat Dolls are coming for a free concert, it's funny. So the next few weeks should be busy and fun.

I think I am not big on moving because I felt like my move was really forced. I didn't want to go but thought it might be good, so I made myself go by applying to other schools. Forcing always hurts more than helps, in my opinion. It produces a rubber band effect. I wanted to travel but I didn't want to leave. So I think it makes it a little harder for me to grow, since I forced it. I've reverted more than anything, and things will take some more time to move forward. But, oh well. My instincts were right, of course.

The more I think about it, the more I think it is a tragedy I thought I had to move to learn more about myself. If we had whole communities, we would be content exploring the depths of our region with them. I think I was wrong that I had to leave loved ones and change life's distractions to see myself. If it was okay to just be ourselves, and we had a support system at home, we wouldn't feel we have to leave the people that make us who we are, to learn more. I still like traveling, but I don't like living away from home. It seems like a distraction--instead of getting to know one place deeper, I thought I was "bored" and moved on to a new place to get a new, shallow understanding of where I am. There is something special about getting to know the land in one place, one could spend many lifetimes and still know only a tiny bit.

I wish home had a warmer climate...sadly, it might. I have been learning a lot about climate change and there will be a lot in the next thirty years.

Things are pretty good. But I'm going to visit home for a bit soon, and I was wondering if it was a good idea that I ever left. Career-wise, probably. But I don't really get the point of leaving everyone you care about. People used to travel with their tribe their whole lives, as far as I know. It's weird to leave them and correspond through all these fake means, electronic and everything. It's not as satisfying. Modern life is not as satisfying, for sure.

All the trees and flowers and blossoming. I took a nap in the library today, for over two hours. All very nice.

friday story

On Friday, I had had it! Something had to change. I couldn't stand it anymore. The straggly ends of my hair were ruining my life (maybe it was symbolic?). I didn't know what to do with them. Even in that moment, they were too long and heavy for my hair binder, so tying it back didn't work very well. I couldn't wait to have someone cut it for me, I couldn't wait another minute.

So I went down to my office, got a pair of scissors, went to the bathroom, and hacked off a few inches from each side. The left looked better than the right, but the right was shorter, so I couldn't make it look like the left. I just left it. I kind of cut the hair in the back, but I think some of it is the old length. I love it and feel like a huge weight has been taken off my head :) I was very self-satisfied.

the kundalini!

Today was sunny and warm, and there are flowers everywhere. I am so happy for summer finally coming.

When I first read about kundalini energy, it seemed very mystical. Now that I've experienced the effects, I think it is just a matter of time until we are able to measure it. 100 years ago a computer would have been magic, but it was just unknown. What happened was, I had been feeling increasingly anxious and depressed from too much spiritual exploration. I thought, maybe I need to take the next step, and add pranayama before my meditation. I added just a few minutes cautiously, since when I was doing it this fall, I ended up nearly going insane (literally--if I had continued it long enough it might not have been okay). I felt like I was burning from the insides. Mentally I desperately went through what would bring some instant relief--alcohol, no, weed, probably not but worth a try, food, yes. A package of bread and rice cakes (which I don't even like) brought some acute relief. Finally I remembered the pranayama, backed off, and now I am lucid again, without my nervous system being burnt up.

If you are bringing up too much energy through the gunk in your body (of which I have tons), it just creates anxiety and fries your nervous system. I think that's why so many people have problems with meditation (they can't, or it makes them feel bad)--hearing/feeling all the junk in your mind is hell until it noticeably subsides. It's not a linear path, and people have to do different things.

I've also been allowing automatic yoga to occur, and it actually makes me feel much better. It gets the knots out, mentally and physically (I personally store my emotions in my body instead of expressing them, on a deep subconscious level). There is nothing mystical about it, I am sure now it is the from the kundalini trying to come through, and shaking out blockages. If civilization continues another hundred years, it will probably start to measure it, I would guess.

So I have been feeling very tired, and anxious, and eating to compensate for feeling so frazzled. Then I saw my adviser briefly in the hall, and she said: tired? Oh yeah, I've found that when I get really sleep deprived, it can make me feel very depressed. And then I start eating horribly.

Then she set up a meeting and that was it. It was very funny. OK, I'm not losing my mind, I just need to reset my circadian rhythm, which is horribly messed up.

male sexuality

From Adbusters: 'The traditional anti-porn stance on how violent and misogynistic material incites rape and violence towards women is false due to an inaccurate analysis: pornography actually subdues rather than provokes. Consuming pornography does not lead to more sex, it leads to more porn. Much like eating McDonalds everyday will accustom you to food that (although enjoyable) is essentially not food, pornography conditions the consumer to being satisfied with an impression of extreme sex rather than the real.'

The article neglects studies showing that these images shape the desires of the men who consume them, making real-life partners less attractive over time (maybe they're in the book cited).

The porn industry, now bigger than Hollywood and pro sports combined, has facilitated the transformation of sex into a liquid consumer good. There is nothing left to separate the individual from the market and the industry’s success has also produced a feedback loop that results in its own intensification. In order to compete with porn, the mainstream media appropriates the pornographic, which in turn forces porn producers and websites to create more vicious and chaotic content. The mainstream becomes porn and porn gradually edges closer to snuff.

Of course very little of this sexual media reflects reality in any way. When watching hard-core porn, one is struck by the message it so desperately attempts to communicate: sex is boring. And the more violent the porn, it seems, the more anti-sex its message. But could anything be further from the truth? Isn’t having sex with another living, human being the one thing that provides the most intense connection with the present moment?

This is also thought-provoking.

sleep is so undervalued

I am in a terrible cycle--I want to play around and hang out and relax, so I stay up late. Then I'm tired, but it's not so bad. Then I get kind of anxious, because I'm tired. I don't want to go to sleep because I'm anxious and I know it'll take awhile. So I go to bed late... then maybe I'm too tired to exercise, which makes the low energy/ high anxiety problem worse. Then maybe I snack to keep my energy up; eating at night makes it harder to get to sleep... and so on.

I'm reading a book called Calm Energy that discusses tension and energy and the things we do to regulate it. One problem is that frequent exercise is important to dissolve tension build-up--we evolved to have frequent activity. Maybe you're running around, playing with your friends, or gathering berries, or building a shelter, it doesn't matter. Now we are stuck at desks, and it's so easy to munch on foods or take a drag off a cigarette to release this tension. It goes into sleep and exercise as well.

I am just committing to a certain schedule. I have to follow it, even if I don't feel like it. Even if it means I lay in bed awake. His suggestions on short spurts of exercise and other tension dissolvers are also good. And soon I'll be outside a lot--that should be good for me.

how vegan?
I can't believe some vegans will avoid
honey and then buy conventional produce. Not because of insecticides, but because conventional agriculture is killing everything.

I was talking to someone about Portuguese yesterday--I had him speak in it, and I tried to follow. I tried to speak it, but it made my brain do somersaults (great mental exercise!). He was happy with how much I could follow along, though. I really want to go to Brazil now. Languages are fun.

summertime!

I made sunflower seed yogurt and almond cheese today, for the first time. I cultured them with probiotics. I also came into possession of some local raw cheese. I could have eaten it, it would have been freegan. But I smelled it (I, the former half-a-block-a-day cheese eater) and it didn't smell edible to me. Instead, I brought it to one of many potlucks I have been invited to lately.

I'm going to Boston in a few weeks! And soon after that, classes will be done and I'll be out in the field. My CSA will start, the farmers' market has already started here, the sustainable ag group I'm involved with plans to stay active--it should be a fun summer.

I'm also getting a grip on my back problems. If it gets significantly better, I'll be able to run a lot more, which makes me a lot happier. The massage I have to do to release the muscles is very intense and emotional, but it's better to open those things up than to keep them tense and closed.

Coconut!

I have been eating tons of coconut lately. I'm craving the fat, I guess. It's better for me when I'm meditating because it's grounding. It's not local, but the dried coconut flakes are pretty light and better than a lot of other foods (anything with water is much heavier). And I love the So Delicious coconut ice cream and yogurts.

I had Mayan Abdominal Massage yesterday and tomorrow am going to a Structural Integrationalist. It's supposed to be like Rolfing, which has helped me a lot. My back is not supposed to be tight and painful! It keeps me from running and it's not healthy. I have to stop storing tension there. So it is worth the high cost, for my health. Plus it feels great.

I've also been making my soil for my plants, which we start in the greenhouse and plant in the beginning of June. It is so fun to get to put my hands in the soil. I love it and am excited for the summer, even though my schedule will be less flexible (more like 40 hrs/wk instead of my erratic school schedule). Summer will be great!

I saw a speaker today that said we have to be honest and admit that we need zero population growth and zero economic growth if we are to survive on a finite planet. We need to have restraint and character (he is an older guy from a rural area). He also talked about the importance of perennial cropping systems. If we turned the majority of crops (corn, soy, grains etc) into perennials (and we can with smart breeding), then we would have something resembling sustainability.

Someone asked him, what about the seed companies?

Honestly, he said, they're not going to like this. Neither are the fertilizer, pesticide, mechanical, or other companies. Let's be honest. The only one who will benefit financially from this is the farmer, and the landbase. This means the end of capitalism, it can't go on.

So this seminar was quite different from the usual. No economist has the answer to the problem of a finite landbase, that I have heard (apart from New Agey--"believe in abundance, not scarcity" irresponsible crap). He said that if we are honest, we will admit that all the renewable fuels and efficiency in the world will not permit growth (this I have always believed). We would need that just to continue on.

Another thing I am hearing over and over is that biofuels are not the answer to anything, except on-farm fuel needs. As an alternative to petroleum, it is anti-human and anti-environment, and I can't believe that environmentalists have promoted it. It never quite made sense to me--just because it is extracted from something green, doesn't make it "green".

Plant breeding

The conference I went to on the food crisis this weekend was very good. One thing that was confirmed for me is the wrong-headedness of the focus on plant breeding. Plant breeding was a key focus of the Green Revolution and is a focus of the programs the Gates Foundation is promoting for Africa. Scientifically, it's a very poor decision since it lessens biodiversity. A single disease can wipe out almost everything. Second, the true purpose of this is not to help peasants, but to privatize the seedbank. A great example of this is the yellow rice (with vitamin A), which was actually developed by plant breeders who truly do care. But their approach to hunger was totally wrong. Aside from the fact that access, not production, is the problem, and aside from the fact that you need fat to absorb vitamin A, and aside from the fact that vitamin A is already plentiful in many fruits and vegetables---there already are several varieties of rice with vitamin A! Red rice is well known throughout the world (it's a weed for those who want regular rice) and has much more vitamin A than the yellow rice did. If the yellow rice breeders had good intentions, maybe they should have done some research. The road to hell is paved with good intentions... if you don't care enough to truly look at the implications of your actions, you are not going to do any good.

This is good for me to know especially since I turned down a great grad assistant position that would have had me studying in Brazil for a year or two if I wished. But a key focus was plant breeding, and that wasn't something I felt was worth my time. Not that there's no place for it--but the emphasis is problematic. Especially when new breeds are genetically engineered--it just drives the price up. Why not just cultivate varieties that already have drought resistance, or disease resistance, or high yield? Oh, because it's not profitable, I forgot.

That being said, I love the organic plant breeders I know. They have the yummiest tomatoes, because the organic market is looking for good-tasting varieties.

I was part of an event today on solutions to the World Food Crisis. There were many, many intelligent people there, and it was a reminder of how many intelligent people there are out there working on these issues. It really needs to be reframed--clearly hunger is not an issue of production, it is an issue of sovereignty and access.

Overtone Moon day 6
Year of the White Self-Existing Wizard



kin 251: Blue Self-Existing Monkey
I Define in order to Play
Measuring Illusion
I seal the Process of Magic
With the Self-Existing tone of Form
I am guided by the power of Accomplishment

I was thinking about meat because I am trying to question every assumption I have. But the more I think about it, the more I realize I really hate non-vegan food and I like being vegan because it gives me an excuse to not eat food I hate. I was a picky omnivore, but I'm not a picky whole foods vegan. So those foods have no value for me unless I am literally starving. Eating food you don't want when there is plenty, is a waste. In you or not. It's not a very grounding diet though, so I am trying to eat more nuts and beans and root veggies and dark green veggies.

When I was in Japan for two weeks, they knew I was vegetarian but kept trying to give me seafood, the one and only vegan food I hate. I would eat a tiny bit and then tell them I was full, and go to bed hungry. It's nice to be able to do that.

I'm going to a lecture on agroecology Thurs--should be good.

thought experiments

I have been doing some thought experiments lately, to challenge my usual assumptions. Am I sticking to dogma or is meat really not food for me? Mainly they involve being vegan/vegetarian. I think about how it would feel in my body to consume various kinds of meat and other things. It's hard to know if I'm being honest or am not able to get past my ideals. Eggs I have thought about several times--in practice, they are the most cruel, but if you wanted, they would be the easiest to get ethically (have ducks or chickens running around your yard, gather some extra eggs). You would get some extra B12, protein, right? But I have always hated eggs so much. The texture, unless really well hidden, is repulsive to me (I never even liked pancakes until I had them vegan--too eggy). My thought experiments end with me wanting to gag. Maybe it would be different if they were my pets' eggs? That could change the smell and overall quality.

I've thought about meat, too. I don't think it's necessary or justifiable now, but if I were a hunter gatherer in a certain location, it might be a necessity. So what would it be like? I was thinking about fish--I hate fish so much and can't imagine eating it without gagging. I would rather starve a few weeks first, no question (since anyone can easily fast at least that long, and usually much longer). Maybe it is just not healthy for my body (for still unknown scientific reasons). I would even rather eat beef or chicken than fish. Anyway, these thought experiments haven't really gone anywhere yet. It seems that these foods truly are not foods for me, but it's tough to know how open-minded I'm being. I'm being fair with factory farmed foods, but if I had to kill an animal, who knows. It will probably never come up. But the egg thing could be okay, if done right. I just have no desire to. I have never hated any vegan food like I hate fish and eggs.

Growing season starting!

My greenhouse experiment is done, soon I'll start the peppers that we'll be transplanting at the end of May (or beginning of June? can't remember).

Am working with some community garden projects, to try and get structure and funding. I'd love to physically help, but since I have my own acre of land to monitor and take soil samples and weed counts from, I can't really commit to anything. It's nice to help on a different end, to be able to do that.

And I joined a CSA! I can go to the farmer's market to claim it every week, so I can go Tues, Sat or Sunday. I wasn't able to join one last year so I'm excited for this year. They let you take as many greens as you want/can eat in a week, so it will be well worth it. $375 for the season, June through part of Oct(?), cheaper than my other one. Plus I put in $5 for their low-income fund... not much, but every little bit helps.

They aren't going to cut my money, after all, it seems. So now I can save money and travel, hooray.

I've been feeling lately like sarcasm isn't so great. I used to love it. Oh, it was so witty and a great way of not having to be soft and honest about your feelings. But it just seems nasty and dishonest now, not so brilliant and funny. Its a way of showing disgust/superiority to whoever you're talking to, especially if they're not smart enough to catch the sarcasm. Not to say I will never use it--but it should be kept in check.

$$$$

My summer stipend got cut way, way down, less than half of what it was. They don't have the money anymore. Oh well. It's very, very good timing that I applied when I did because I wouldn't have even gotten in this year. They have hardly any money to accept new students. It mostly is a pain because it means I'll have to keep a close eye on spending. At my old job, I just saved through direct deposit and did whatever I wanted with the rest (what did I buy? food and yoga and dance classes). Now I have to pay close attention and can't buy whatever I want. It's a pain... but oh well. There's no real concern. I would just prefer to be able to save money.

Beginning Meditation

It is sometimes said that the first stages of the meditaion process are the most difficult. The first distraction is the physical body. Sometimes there is real pain in sitting, and sometimes the ego just tries to distract us by creating itches we will want to scratch. Sometimes there is hyperawareness of the physical body: heartbeat, the breathing apparatus, blocked sinuses, digestive discomfort, or some other pain in the physical body. When the body relaxes, sometimes the head fails forward or backward.

The second obstacle is the mind, which is accustomed to flowing outward and often resents the effort and discipline required to turn our attention inward-it creates all kinds of excuses about why we should be doing something else.

Movie and meditation result

I saw a movie yesterday about the Green Belt movement in Kenya, working to save Kenya from deforestation. The Kenyan dictatorship carried out the same horrific policies as the colonial government did. The Green Belt movement was grassroots and achieved some level of success, though deforestation continues. One activist woman in particular ended up a member of parliament a few years ago when the dictatorship ended. But she is not able to be as effective, working from within the system. The system coopted her, knowing it would limit her effectiveness.

One problem is that I am more sensitive than I used to be. I always unconsciously put up a hard wall and now with meditation, I can see past it. So watching the movie was very painful. People must be so sick with greed in order to do such horrific things. And the bravery of the people that fought against this (realizing that hurting the trees is no different from hurting themselves) is incredible, they have put so much more on the line than I ever have. They said their backs were against the wall, so they put their fear into songs they sang as they physically put themselves in a place to stop the deforestation. A woman's movement was a large part of this. It was amazing.

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One thing that has happened since I went to Peru is moments of realization, where I see a series of clips from the past and then "a-ha". Like at the end of the Sixth Sense, when Bruce Willis realizes the truth, he plays back through the rest and sees how he misinterpreted things. Mostly mine tend to be "ah-that's why I do that--I didn't even know I did that", but feel just as dramatic as that movie scene (hey, it's my own life). I'm so grateful because it empowers me greatly to stop an old pattern and be able to recognize it in the present. I see things I completely missed before: "Ah, that's why this person would always say this to me. I thought they were just nagging, but I was so stuck in my head, I couldn't see the truth of what I was doing." I hope this unwinding continues.

I like this interview.

Happy equinox! Spring is finally here. Time to think of what I want in this new season.

The Days of Spring
by: Hafez (c. 1325-1389)
translated by Gertrude Lowthian Bell



The days of Spring are here! the eglantine,
The rose, the tulip from the dust have risen--
And thou, why liest thou beneath the dust?
Like the full clouds of Spring, these eyes of mine
Shall scatter tears upon the grave thy prison,
Till thou from the earth thine head shalt thrust.

meditation practice

The past few months meditation had been hard, I felt uncomfortable and anxious and sad and terrified. I thought I had to let myself just feel the negative emotions instead of denying them, so I would try and relax into them instead of blocking them. The idea is that the only way out is through. But that wasn't working for me... how long can you be so uncomfortable for, feeling negative things go through you? I was feeling these things constantly. No one could tell, I didn't let it affect my mood, but it was hard to concentrate. I just wanted to zone out and numb myself with my thoughts, because it was too much.

But then lately, I had started to experience what I have heard described as "the witness". That is, I started to be able to step back from how I was thinking and really see everything as an outsider. The witnessing is important because then nothing in life can rattle you too much--you know things will still go on, even if life seems tough.

More importantly, if you can truly witness what is going on, you are free to make choices. So often we imprison ourselves because we don't even see the different options that are available. I am slowly starting to see the infinite number of options available, when I feel there is only one or two or three. I don't have to limit myself to pure habitual reaction.

The last few days this witnessing, combined with the logic that I shouldn't have to feel so horribly miserable from meditation (it shouldn't just bring up junk). Maybe what I thought was terror was excitement and the resistance to this very positive feeling was causing all the trouble. So, negative feelings are caused by resistance (no matter what it is that is being resisted). And now I try to relax more completely than before, not into the resistance/bad feelings but beyond that, into something else I haven't explored much before. It's nice to see new layers creep up under my many thoughts. It's exciting to see where this will lead.

I still get off track constantly in my thoughts, but as long as I keep bringing it back, it doesn't matter. It is still my yoga practice.

We did it!

After class Thursday morning, I biked down the hill and we took the 5-hr bus ride to NYC. We were there until the next afternoon, when we took a flight from JFK. We stopped by Blossom and realized from the $30 entrees that it was not the same as Blossom Cafe (but the teeny tiny appetizer was very delicious), we went to Babycakes and had great gluten-free desserts, and walked across the Williamsburg bridge and back. Eight hours or so later, we went through Amsterdam customs (very easy and nice, compared to Mexico/Peru) and then finally to Barcelona. It was morning when we arrived there. Since we only had three days, we decided to tough it out and stay awake until night with the exception of a quick nap. The metro was clean, efficient and easy to figure out. We took it to our 4-star hotel, which we never could have afforded without the recession and our great package deal. Then the next three days we went to a variety of places--walked around the streets looking at buildings, went to a famous church called La Sagrada Familia, the best park I have ever seen--Park Guel--designed by Gaudi (he also did the church, but the park was a completely different style--whimsical instead of solemn), saw a great bike system (there are bikes all over that say "bicing" that you can hop on and drop off if you pay for a card--I would have rented one if we had more time), went down to the beach (sunny but freezing water), ate at a great vegan restaurant called Juicy Jones...then Monday morning woke up at 5 am, took a flight back, hung out around Union Square for a few hours, then back on the bus and got back in at 9 or 10 pm.

It was lots of fun and we are much better travelers than we used to be--we were better able to experience and enjoy the trip. Jet leg is not too bad. One mistake was the first day, I drank three americanos straight to stay awake, and slept one hour that night. I don't usually drink coffee so I didn't know that would happen--my heartbeat also got very fast. Kind of scary.

Vamos a Barcelona pronto~~~

Will have a report Weds when we get back. Will also hope to hit up some places in NYC--want to check out Babycakes bakery. And see some sunny 60 degree days, hopefully.

In our current climate of new ideas and alternatives to traditional thinking, there is a predictable intellectual backlash of scepticism. Whilst discernment is always an essential quality, hard-nosed skepticism can be a cover for the fearful denial of new ideas.

Next Saturday I'll be in Barcelona, and for the next three nights. First time in Europe...wish it could be longer, but it's a one-time chance.

My committee meeting went well. Summer will be full of research--I can't wait to be outside, getting dirty all the time. It makes you tired, but it's nicer than the pale florescent lights of my old office. I would be so depressed coming in from the park at the end of my lunch break. That's why I decided I had to make a change. Even if I'm back to an office at some point, I'd like to have more control over my situation, and variety.

I started doing a little bit of qi gong on my own. It seems more useful than it did when I tried before. Not that I'm doing much now, or tried it much before. But I'm sure I will at some point in the future.

Voy para Barcelona en once dias! Just for an extended weekend.

Voy para Barcelona en once dias.

From Nithyananda

This has been my favorite story for some time:

Four blind men were taken to an elephant and asked to describe what an elephant looks like. The first man touched the tail of the elephant and said, "without a doubt, the elephant looks very much like a rope". the second felt the leg of the elephant and said "the elephants were like the trunk of a tree", the third touched the ears and said it looked like a hand held fan, the fourth felt the trunk and said the elephant looked like a snake. Each one talking from their limited perception.

That's how everyone can be right at the same time. Or wrong :) We can't and don't perceive even an appreciable fraction of what is.

Things are... fine, I think. I really need to sleep more, and then I'll be able to think better. A friend's child got run over by a bus, though. He's in critical condition but the doctors think he will make it--still, he was literally run over. That can't be easy to recover from. Almost anything is better than having your child's safety in danger--so considering that, I am doing very well and am lucky.

I have to write something and don't want to--I should just so I can go to sleep, though.

happy ice cream day

The So Delicious Purely Decadent Coconut Milk ice cream is the best ever. Who needs rice or soy? I can eat the vanilla and coconut flavors without going nuts, too. Chocolate chip cookie dough, not so much.

I also went to Target. It was bizarre because I have been to far too many Targets; I felt like I had been here before. This one was set up like the one in Midway, St. Paul. Pretty quickly the toxic consumerism starts to get to you, but we got a couple household items before that set in.

I didn't do all the work I was supposed to this weekend. I just didn't care anymore. My stamina isn't like some people's. I will burn out real quick, maybe because I don't use any caffeine. At the counselor's, I complained that I was up against people fueling their work with caffeine and that with the relationship stress, I couldn't possibly do it all and would have to quit. This one person has been getting 2 hours of sleep a night. She is a perfectionist with her work, and over committed to a million different great groups (I really respect her, she is a sweetie). But she only drinks tea! Some people must use other uppers--I am very curious about this and the side effects.

When I have spare time again, I would like to study these drugs (through books only). Drugs fascinate me, in a purely academic sense. You can learn a lot about neuropsychology and physiology overall from the effects. One person told me she did some lab drug (some abbreviation she forgets) and she felt like she was underwater, it was a good time. Later she found out it can cause permanent brain damage. Also, she was (is) dyslexic after taking it and had never been before. A part of me is more curious about the psychology that would lead someone to make that choice. But self-experimentation/making huge mistakes/lack of foresight or extrapolation is pretty standard.

cut back meditation

I've been doing longer meditations for the past several weeks, and I have to cut back again. I don't know why I'm so sensitive. It took awhile to notice it was making me insane, and very burnt out-feeling (releasing too much at once). You can only handle so much at once.

I haven't done any of the work I was supposed to; that is also burning me out. That's what Sunday is for.

I have a hundred things to do, and am very sleep deprived. So let me just say, I found out that plain old non-raw carob powder is just fine and delicious. The stuff I bought before must have truly been burnt, because now I'm finding stuff that's great. Carob is delicious and I thank it for supporting my studies.

Also, graduate school is a bizarre little world. I'm starting to understand it. People truly are smart. But a lot of them have no idea how things work outside of academia and what money and scraping by is. And the extreme specialization is really weird. I'm glad to just be an MS and get a mere taste.

A good reminder to support organic for human rights.

psych care

Found this article about how many moms need psychological care (probably dad, too):
http://www.nytimes.com/2009/02/15/health/15mental.html?em

I think they really underestimated how many could use this. I can't count the number of parents who say their baby is greedy because it's always hungry, even when it has just eaten a few hours before. Yes, that's what babies do. Some eat every 15 minutes. Their stomach is the size of a marble when they're born. Don't become a parent if you can't handle the basic needs! I wonder how these mental issues gets expressed in the upper classes-- they hide it better with nannies and a high level of education. Maybe emotional neglect and abuse?

hmmm

I don't know what I think about framing veganism as a 'rights' issue. Something to chew on. The more I talk to small local animal farmers, the more issues I have with it. They may love the animals to some degree, but they are still commodities to them and they treat them as such--economically, you can't afford not to. The only scenario I can imagine is if you had some ducks or goats or something running around, like pets, and you gathered some milk or eggs when it was abundant and the animals didn't mind.

http://blog.veganfreak.com/

The other big reason that so-called “animal rights” ovo-lacto vegetarianism is pointless has to do with the essential problem of the relationship of dominance that humans assert over animals. Veganism as a social movement – and if we’re going to get serious about veganism, we have to begin building a movement that goes beyond mere consumption – seeks to redefine the ways in which humans relate to animals. To be vegan is to demand that animals are accorded rights that cannot be violated for mere reasons of convenience, taste, or tradition. Many of the basic rights that abolitionist vegans push for are rights would look pretty similar to the ones that we all cherish, including the right not to be the property of another, the right of bodily integrity and safety, and the right not to be used solely as the means to another’s ends (we treat these rights at great length in the next chapter). Put most simply, we are looking to abolish animal slavery by according animals a set of inalienable rights.

Thus, even if it were somehow possible to produce dairy and eggs that did not result in the death of billions of animals a year, a producer still must confine and control animals to produce these commodities for consumers – consumers which clearly include legions of ovo-lacto vegetarians. Fully the property of their owners, the animals involved in these forms of production are little more to their owners than living machines for profit, slaves who day in and day out for every single day of their lives suffer solely to fulfill demands extraneous to their own desires and needs. Though the particulars of confinement and slavery may differ slightly by setting, the same basic and underlying dynamic holds whether the products in question are the typical ones in your grocery store, or whether they are labelled “cage-free,” “local,” “organic,” or even “free-range.” The myth of a compassionate animal product is just that: a myth.

asceticism

I was reading this: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Asceticism

Yes, it totally appeals to me as an ideal. My approach is very different from these religions that are into it, though. It should never involve forcing or pushing. You just take yourself to your edge, where you are fine but pushing a bit (a la yoga). This eliminates a) hating what you are doing and b) rebelling far worse later (like with yo-yo dieting). So I have eaten for pleasure my whole life, because I haven't been ready to eat just for hunger. But I was fine dropping food categories over the years. You just lose your attachment for X food and realize you can enjoy something else.

The point is that you develop/increase your capacity for satisfaction from life and become less dependent on external conditions (which you have limited control over, anyway). If you need more, more, more for enjoyment, you desensitize your senses over time. This is exactly what happens with type 2 diabetes and other insulin-resistance related issues. You are exposed to too much insulin for a variety of reasons and eventually you are desensitized to it. You need more and more for an effect until you can't take it up. Then maybe your pancreas gives out, it can't pump out any more insulin. Same for people who listen to headphones and lose their hearing. As I become more sensitive, life gets far more satisfying and interesting.