I was biking today with a load of things--study materials, many ears of corn, and about ten pounds of tomatoes. It had rained earlier, I hit a bump in the road, and all my things went flying everywhere, in front of a bus stop, with a bus behind me.

As I picked myself up, everyone was picking up my tomatoes and corn and papers and putting them together for me. And as soon as I got up, they asked if I was okay. They were so nice! And it was like ten people, they were all waiting for the bus.

I remember once in high school, I dropped the books and papers I was holding and they went everywhere. Several people laughed at me as they walked by, and this one guy whose arm was in a cast stopped to help me pick everything up in the busy hallway. My high school was big, I don't know who that guy was. But I'm still amazed that no one cared and then an injured guy is the one that helped me.

My right side is sore. I was okay but I fell on my bike, which is a little traumatizing to the body. I wish I were more open, more able to let feelings flow. If I had just cried like a little kid when it happened, I would have let go of it already. But I couldn't, and my body still feels a little shocked.

I was very happy to see how nice people can be. I know I would have done the same, but still. It's very nice.

This has even better information about the paw-paw that grows native to the US. I have two big test next week, so I'll be busy.

Today I went to a training for a volunteer interpreter program. I will be interviewed by a professor in the language to see if I'm proficient enough to do it. I have such big gaps, and I feel rusty, but 80% of it is confidence anyway. If you speak like you know what you're saying, and don't hestitate and put "uh" everywhere, you look relatively competent. 

It is fall and really beautiful right now. I have two big tests next week, but it's fine. I'm managing.

photos

My friend took some photos of the campus; he got the camera especially in time for fall.

This weekend was busy, but I did some fun things. Sat we drove out to some Mennonite farms (sort of like Amish, but they allow more technology, depending on the order) for my veg production class. It is completely different, a much more sustainable way of living. And unlike most small farms, they are not going under. In fact, they are expanding. Three reasons:

-community support--if someone's barn goes down, they all go over and help. The same way immigrants get by on far less because twenty people will buy a house together ans share one car, 4 bedrooms, etc.

-low cost of living--everything very simple. They make most of their clothes, machinery, etc as much as possible. They can and make preserves. They just buy things like sugar and flour and salt.

-cheap labor--they average 8 children a family, who stop going to school after 8th grade. The children are smart and very involved in everything.

So they save enough to buy an entire new farm for the children (if they want) as they grow up and marry.

They do use pesticides, unfortunetely. Where they draw the line at technology seems a little strange, sometimes. I guess it's been a problem, actually, where some people use the pesticides without knowing how to properly protect themselves. Hearing about that would make me not want to use them at all. But they still spray less than most farmers, and have pretty small, diversified farms--much more sustainable.

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Sunday I went apple-picking and paw-paw picking (the paw-paws are native, and a lot like the beloved cherimoya I had in Peru). I had sooo much fruit. I wish I could be fruitarian when it's harvest time :) But it just doesn't feel right. Still, it was most of what I had yesterday. They were all so good. 

I'm volunteering at the Cornell Orchards to show school children around--had orientation today.

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I keep on feeling really sad, and missing home a lot. I have friends, but no one close (except for Roman). But if I were at the same job at home, I would be feeling suffocated. So I have to keep reminding myself to not make up negative stories about how I'm feeling. It's all completely in the head. I decide how to feel. And I have to continue meditation no matter what, to keep clearing things out. Right now I feel really great. Even though nothing has changed from this morning, just my head. It's so funny.

I am getting a dehydrator! Then I'll be able to preserve a bunch of veggies without tying up my freezer or risking botulism. Also, I love dried veggies because they get either chewy (like meat) or crunchy (like chips), but are much much better than either meat or chips. I had forgotten that dehydrators aren't just raw foodist devices, but also preservation devices that homesteaders love. I will have to try out some raw gourmet recipes, though. I love them in moderate amounts, especially when they're not loaded with oil. There is a raw food place here, but it's mostly smoothies and pates--I can make those at home, exactly how I want, for cheaper. So I haven't gone to it once.

One of Roman's neighbors from home is coming here this weekend and we're going out to dinner with him Sunday night. It'll be nice to see someone from home and see Ithaca from a different POV.

Rumi:

I have lived on the lip of insanity,

wanting to know reasons,

knocking on a door.

It opens.

I have been knocking from the inside!

complaining

Blah, I am so tired of all these people from small towns who can't stand cities. Seriously, most people live in cities, and if you want to know anything about people (such as one guy I know who thinks he knows how to design a utopia--but thinks Ithaca is big), you have to at least have the experience of living in a city. I had met people like this before, that were in the ag school, when I was an undergrad. They can be nice, but I don't understand them. They say "crick" and other things I thought were just jokes--stereotypes. Oh, no. They really say "tomaters" and "cullivate" for "cultivate". It makes me feel like a foreigner.

And why do they have such awful taste in music? Everything here is bluegrass. Maybe I would like bluegrass, too, if I was born in the 1800s. But now we have access to a wide variety, ranging from rock to hip-hop to classical, etc... 

I've changed my taste in foods drastically (only seven years ago I was on a cheese/potato/popcorn/chickpeas diet--really disgusting now--cheese!?), can I change my taste in music? I don't know... I've been trying for years to like seaweed, and it still makes me gag. Maybe bluegrass and country are like seaweed. I'll be out of here years before I can shift my preferences that much. It all probably has to do with the field I'm in, agriculture, more than Ithaca itself. The people who really don't like cities don't live in Ithaca at all. They live outside of Ithaca. Seriously. Ithaca, the size of a neighborhood called Dinkytown in Mpls, is much too big for them. I thought the first person who told me this was joking.

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But then I biked home, the sun was beautiful, there were all those cute little shops, and heaps of interesting-looking people I had never ever seen before. Diversity and possibility. That made me feel better.

feeling back to ....

This morning I felt so exhilarated...meditation had been taking me to new heights. I was buzzing, vibrant with all these different ideas for things I wanted to do. But by the afternoon, it felt like it had worn off completely. I did meditate a second time in the afternoon, but this was a Zen Buddhist meditation. It was good, but I didn't feel like I could completely relax because you have to kind of follow their rules. So it didn't feel like the deep nervous system/karmic cleaning that I have been getting. So by the end of the day, I just felt run-down and wanting to eat and be lazy to relax, like I always do. Eating is a valid desire, but needing it to relax feels very dulling. It makes it hard to think about other things. If I really want to break out of old patterns, I just have to commit to my meditation practice full-force and not stop. (One thing to be said for the Zen meditation--I was very calm afterwards even though I was running late to the meeting at my own house).

I almost forgot--one reason I am so tired is that I have been so buzzed that I haven't been sleeping as much at night. It's crazy to feel like that, it's better than drugs. They say that people who are very advanced at meditation have a reduced need for sleep since they are stressing their body and mind yet. But I am not anywhere near there yet, and would like a good nine hours some night....

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I hosted a book club for the sustainable ag group, and we talked about futures markets. It's incredibly confusing. How do you even have such a bizarre system with a tangible product that people need to survive? How on earth is a farmer supposed to figure it out? In addition to the complex agricultural ecosystem you have to try and keep healthy while getting good yields, and doing careful record-keeping, most farmers also have full-time jobs to make enough money to keep their land and everything. How are they supposed to add economic literacy to the mix?

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I haven't made it to the Eco-Village yet. It seems so far away because it's in the town of Ithaca but not the city. I think I'd have to take a bus there, or get a bike with gears. Fall is amazing here though. There are things to do and see, I just have to do them.

Living in a new place is very uncomfortable. Not like traveling, when you know it is just temporary. It's sad. I really miss my old roommates tonight.

strange night; school group

Last night was so weird... I was told after the fact it was a full moon (whatever that is supposed to imply--Roman says it has a yang energy to it). I went into basically a full-on ayahuasca experience, but without taking anything at all, or even meditating. I was completely awake. I realized simple things about myself and people I know, I floated around, I brushed my mother's hair. I don't know how long this sort of thing will last but I am grateful for the time being. It sounds all made up, honestly. If I were someone else, I would have a hard time believing it. But it's always good to have an open mind, or you miss out on a lot. And no one has to believe anything I say.

Hopefully I will get more sleep tonight. I felt so flush with vibrating energy, it must have been one or later by the time I finally fell asleep. I don't know how I can go from feeling like everything is so drab in the world to feeling all the energy contained in a moment. The drabness is a misperception--but getting out of that state is easier said than done.

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I am also getting involved in a good group on campus that takes a good look at sustainable agriculture. This week's reading for the book group is on futures markets. It's really good for me because I have never bothered to learn much about economics--mostly because it is ridiculous and profit-based instead of community-based. But it affects everything right now and if I am going to be a Renaissance woman, I need to become knowledgable in this area.

getting used to Ithaca

I am liking Ithaca more and more. It is like a cute little neighborhood in Saint Paul or Minneapolis. There are lots of bodies of water and green space, lots of local foods produce markets, lots of gardens and big trees. Lots of different little events--dance, yoga, chanting, talks on eco-agriculture and international situations, big speakers, workshops on things like non-violent communication. Everything is close, you can walk to so many places. I like knowing I can step out my door and walk for five or ten minutes and be somewhere--it feels homey. Not like the city or suburbs where you might have to bike for thirty minutes to get to where you want to go (though I never lived that far from most things I wanted to do--always was within walking distance of a coop)

It is also SO warm, which I love. The high was 89 today--incredible. I can't believe everyone thinks it's so cold---we are in the north and it is fall! Also, everyone has said the last few winters have been weird. The snow doesn't stay and randomly there are a few days where it would get up to 7o. So it will be warmer for sure.

Have been doing lots of sprouting--chickpeas, lentils, alfalfa, sunflower. Am trying out fennel seed. I have been keeping everything clean, and as long as fruit is in the fridge or outside, the fruit flies are kept to a minimum (even with all the sprouts). I am thinking about growing kale--I had thought it was too late to start a garden, but the season is longer here. Or I might do in pots indoors. We don't get great light but I bet we could get something. I was also given a pepper plant. 

And I have a non-food plant I was given. It was dying when I was given it. That day, at that time, we were having a conversation about plants. I was saying the plant has a degree of sentience, that while completely different from human sentience, is equally important. I defended the poor plant, that been abandoned and abused. I was joking, but only half-joking. I really felt for the plant. And even though it was nearly dead, I send my best intentions to it and now it is thriving (I even had to re-pot it). Maybe it's all a coincidence, I have no idea. But it is more useful to think that my love for the plant had a positive effect.

meditation

I had the most intense meditation session I've ever had this morning. I did ten minutes of spinal pranayama and twenty minutes meditation with a mantra, cross-legged. The pranayama was alright, I am getting slowly better at visualizing the breath going up the spine to the third eye. I went into the meditation, trying to sit in the most comfortable upright position, trying to get my crooked back to relax into a more natural posture. It did somewhat, and I had the urge to twist my back, to make it crack. But this time I waited, knowing I could relax more now and twist at the end.

Then my foot started to hurt, like it was falling asleep. In the past I have usually just moved it, figuring that if it was distracting me from my practice, it wasn't worth trying to suffer through it. Today I felt differently, like there might be something more to it than just my foot falling asleep. They say that as you progress, sitting cross-legged is not so difficult anymore. I also know it's not a flexibility issue, I can bend it just fine. So I wanted to stay with it, and see what would happen.

The discomfort quickly became painful, and the pain shot up my leg in a bizarre way. I felt an emotion underneath, a ball of sadness in my stomach. I tried to maintain my breath (versus holding it in) through the pain and let myself feel what was in my stomach so I could process it, instead of continuing to hold onto it. I had never gotten so deep before. It was always so annoying to hear that all physical pain has an emotional root, because if you're not in a place where you can get to that root, you feel frustrated, like there's nothing you can do because you can't see it no matter what what. Finally seeing a piece of that made me realize how deep people's issues go--so deep that we can't expect to always be able to go there. And I don't think you have to fully understand the root to experience it and let it go.

Anyway, the pain got very very intense, but I kept with it. My body started jerking intermittently. I felt like vomiting. The medicine from Peru is still with me, it felt like that--that I needed a psychic purge. I was moving more and more and some air came out of my mouth. I felt a slight layer lift. There was much more that could have been done, but it was so intense and the twenty minutes was up. I opened my eyes and changed my posture and it all stopped. It's good to pace yourself. Another ten minutes might have been great, but it might have been too much. I had to lay down after that, for awhile, breathing deeply, letting feeling return to my legs. I felt so relieved. It helped me so much.

Roman was sleeping lightly, on the other side of the bed and had a dream that I said to him--thank you for letting me do this. Then he saw that I hadn't actually said that, I was still meditating. But the dream was true.

This week I've started getting up earlier to meditate. I also went to the first yoga class I've gone to since I was at the Tree in May--it was exactly what I needed. It's nice to be back in some sort of a routine. As long as I stay on top of everything I have to, it can be interesting to have so much going on. 

Tomorrow I'm going to see a Spanish-language movie and then a workshop on non-violent communication. This guy talks about it pretty well, a summary. I wish I could join all the great groups on campus. There is a lot of great stuff going on that I just can't go to (unless I want to make myself crazy).

And best of all, Roman got a job with an energy efficiency company.

Veg processing plant field trip

About the vegetable processing plants I went to on Saturday (for veg production class). The whole thing was interesting, but depressing--the machinery, the monoculture is so lifeless. It doesn't seem right. I'm glad I went, though. I am always trying to figure out why conventional agriculture is the norm.

The whole operation was very impressive. Tremendous yields. They had a huge machines that picked up row after row of corn, massive amounts at once. Then they brought it to the plant, where it was flash frozen within hours, making for high-quality (as far as nutrient preservation goes) frozen product. The plant was extremely clean, despite all the corn going through machines, getting de-husked and cut off the cob, sometimes falling onto the floor. I can see the appeal, from a capitalist perspective.

As soon as we stepped into the plant, I felt uneasy. All the managers were white and everyone working inside was brown-skinned. Apparently they bring people up from Puerto Rico for the season. They live right next store in work "camps" (look like jails) and work hard for the season, saving up money. Then they go home with far more money than they would have made at home. It sounds great, but the job is so mind-numbing. You stand there with a mundane task for hours, smelling the wet corn, wearing ear plugs that can't cut out the sound of the loud, vibrating, whirling machines. Your job might be to pick little bad kernels of corn out of the huge quantity of corn coming by you. How should anyone have to do that job? It strips people of their humanity. Even if the direct alternative for them is worse--there has to be better ways to organize society. Simpler, with shared tasks.

It was also good to see the huge amounts--food is not scarce! I can see easily how food is left in the fields to rot, because no one can get to it (and they can't let people just come and take it in a for-profit system). Or how if you have more corn processed than you can send out (have bought), that you just throw it away. That is where excess food goes--it rots in the field or the garbage if you can't pay.

We also saw canned beets. Not much more to say there.

I talked to my sister. At her birthday they got into a discussion about the RNC protests--or rather, a yelling match. My mom is very sweet, so sweet that she naively thinks the police were trying to maintain the peace and the protesters were just trying to cause trouble. My sister is very smart, and realizes how she erred in letting the discussion get so heated, and asked my advice for next time. I said that if you know you can't talk about it unemotionally, it's alright to accept that and not talk about the issue. And if you can speak about it calmly, but know that the other side is too uninformed for an intelligent discussion (as was the case the other day), you can say something simple and end the discussion---for this, I would have, "I know innocent people who were harmed by the police [true!], but it wasn't reported on at all in the mainstream media--if you would like to talk about it later, you could do some more reading and then we could discuss the merits of different approaches."

I get some funny comments from people (in the horticulture department, no less!) when they hear I'm doing sustainability work. Nothing mean, just a little awkward--because many people are working on things like flowers ($$$) or turfgrass (for golf), so they feel funny when they hear about people working on deeper things (or that's what I'm guessing). 

I have too much work to do, and will the whole time I'm here. If I want to finish classes in two years, I have to work hard since I don't have a hort background. I will either get smarter/more efficient, use drugs (caffeine, Adderall) with a combo of reduced sleep (not possible, my body would break down after a few months of this at the latest), or have to drop something. There is no sense worrying about it. This is a great opportunity to sharpen my skills. I have to look at it that way, or dissolve into a pile of stress.

Classes are:

-ag machinery (where I drove a tractor)

-hort seminar (pass/fail--just sit and hear people talk about hort-related subjects)

-veg production (interesting, time consuming field trips first three saturdays)

-stats (necessary for a MS but lots of work, boring)

-soil science--an undergrad class. Hate the labs. Undergrad labs are a waste of time, but they don't offer the lecture without the lab.

I have lots of deep thoughts, especially when I am sleepy. The medicine I took is affecting me still, they say the spirit of the plant stays with you, especially the first few months after. It's hard in a sense because my thoughts often undermine what I am doing. Like creating a study design...thinking about how observing the subject affects the subject, how you can never truly randomize anything (literally, there is mathematically no such thing as random)...things like that. Truly, we should still be able to get some general, helpful trends out of the data. But these thoughts are also technically true. I have to be careful in how I let them go, direct them in a positive manner.

Scorpio OCTOBER 24 - NOVEMBER 21

You'll laugh in the face of danger this week, but in a way where it'll be obvious you're just making your fear.

random updates

Roman is starting a part-time job as a bouncer at a sports bar... not a scene either of us frequent, but different is good, and so is a paying job :)

I rode two different tractors today. Since I've been driving a truck a few times a week, what's an extra piece of machinery? Luckily I still have to bike, then hike a mile up a giant hill, and then bike some more to even get to the truck. I need to keep my biking/hiking skills in shape.

I went to a grad student meeting for our department. Free booze, pizza, and soft drinks...I left early to go make a real dinner. But I got to hear about some of politics in the department--I really don't like gossip, but it's good to know about so I can avoid it. Nothing too interesting, or troublesome, just the usual--complaining to complain.

It's been hot lately and I love it. I'm not uncomfortable at all (except for when there's AC). How can I love MN so much when it's cold for so many months out of the year? I can take the extreme cold, but not so much of it. I wonder where I'll end up.

I am already very busy, but it's not a big deal yet. I am used to working and then going home with nothing to do. So now I simply make note of everything I have to do, and do it--no procrastinating. 

I found something out today. My advisor's other student, it turns out, went to the University of Minnesota like I did. And then she worked in a non-profit exactly in the same neighborhood that I had been working in--but in the late 90s. I miss that neighborhood, even though it was poor and had lots of problems. That park, Powderhorn Park, with the lake, is why I am here. I would walk around that lake everyday and think I couldn't keep doing this, having to go back inside afterwards. I had to do something that worked for environmental health and would give me some flexibility to be outside sometimes. I remember the individual trees there, and the ducks and the geese. Minneapolis has so many lakes. If I didn't live by these gorges (a creek is just a block away!), and I didn't live by the sea, I would have to move.

It is so nice to not get yelled at by men constantly, though. Ithaca is amazing in that regard. Even in the lower-income parts (which I actually like more, more character).

The cops in Mpls/St Paul are doing a lot of horrible things right now because of the RNC-- going after innocent people without warrants, tear gassing, etc... I'm not sure what to do, but people I know are being affected.

persona

In  a new place, you have an opportunity to change how people see you, your persona. I have unintentionally started to develop one already--woman who eats lots of plant matter. Anu keeps joking about how we have to keep the field trial veggies away from me because I keep eating the wild edibles (weeds) and ate a cauliflower in front of her (it was freshly harvested, and free). And an officemate keeps saying that I'll "eat anything", because I ate raw corn in front of him. So, unintentional, but that's a reputation I have already. I don't mind at all, because if people know I like produce, they'll give me free produce when they have it :)