All the relationship advice I hear rings hollow, like no one has ever really loved except for me so they all say silly things. I need a book like, "Practical Advaita Vedanta for the Broken", a new addition to the "For Dummies" series. I don't know what I will do when I get back. They have all those tempting gorges people throw themselves off of. I would never do more than stare at them and then walk down to my room and bury myself in there, but that's no way to live, either.

It takes a year to adjust to a new place. And half the length of a relationship to get over it? So is that 1+4 or just 4? What if you still don't really believe it's happening? How long does that take? 10 hundred?

WORDS FROM THE HEART

"Let's keep our love
a secret." God whispered.

"How can I
when I wear the Truth
in my eyes?

Who could look at me
and not see You?

Who could look at You
and not see me?"

written by Hayra Prull

short update

I have so many lovely friends here. It is so fun to bike and walk around. I went to one coop and realized what I had heard about Greenstar Coop having the second largest bulk section in the country, can NOT be true. It looks big in a small town--but the one at the Wedge is at least as big and there are other coops with similarly-sized bulk sections. Okay, but I like Greenstar anyway. I just like to complain about moving.

I have met up with other people also visiting from out of town. And they all say, yes, moving is incredibly hard, it tends to take a year to feel comfortable and adjusted at all, grad school is hard, but sticking to the move is important. So at least the feeling is universal. I had always felt like such a trooper before--life was never so hard. Now I am more sympathetic to people with depression, or I should say, I understand better. 

I think I'm sick, I feel hot and cold. But I'm going out tonight.

Sigh ... like this. Not that media replaces life. I don't like shoe shopping.

I need to be with someone who knows what he wants and is committed to that all the way, through ups and downs. That is how I am finishing my degree. I am committed to working in sustainable agriculture, making it work for people and translating all the goobledegok into something practical. So I will stick it out through the low and high points and will have so much to show in the end for it, than if I took the easy, noncommittal road that gives you nothing in the end. That's how I will always live my life.

I liked this. It takes up a lot of energy when you have to pretend.

Back to Mpls!!!

I walked a few miles today in Minneapolis. The sun was shining, and even though it was below zero, I loved it. Ithaca is warm but cloudy--the combination of cold and sun was invigorating. I missed Minneapolis so much. I saw two old co-workers and they bought me lunch at a fancy, hip restaurant I never would have gone to on my own. It was a lot of fun to catch-up. Both them them are in their late thirties and childless by choice, which is interesting (especially since they worked at WIC). I've spent a lot of time with women that age lately... I'm so glad they don't mind my company, since I'm so much longer. The server carded me and not them. (The flight attendant yesterday thought I was under 18). I guess I'm getting to the point where that's a good thing... some of it must be genetics since hard living usually doesn't catch up to you until your 40s, more or less. But who knows.

I am going to bike to my Rolfing appointment tomorrow! So fun, I haven't biked more than one or two miles at once than leaving Ithaca... this won't be too long, either (I'm not that hardcore). Maybe five or six miles. It'll be above zero tomorrow, so not too bad. I'm excited.

I have to go to a far away airport now--$$$$. And leave late tomorrow. OR leave from Ithaca and leave the 23rd. Nooooo

NWA canceled my flight for tomorrow morning--I'm on hold to reschedule and they're playing pretty bad country music.

There was a vegan holiday potluck today at my house. They liked it, liked my apartment. You forget when you're used to a place. But we have a tapestry from Peru on the wall and a bunch of Frida Kahlo art, and wood floors. It was really nice to hang out with them. One of the guys is a dietary vegan, though he does care about the animal issues. It's so funny, I don't know a single other dietary vegan in real life. I guess my grandma kind of is now, because she does McDougall (she will eat other stuff when she goes out, sometimes). Some don't care at all--they just don't want to abuse animals. Like that vegan fast food joint in Brooklyn I visited. If only it had been ten years earlier... at fifteen I would eat anything vegetarian, I would have gone vegan if I had been exposed to that movement (or known much about it), especially with all that comfort food. I would have loved it. Now, though, didn't eat anything there.

Still on hold... I want to go home... what a pain. What if they route me to some distance airport and I have to pay an arm and a leg for a taxi ride there. Super lammmme.

Lizard People

Who says there's nothing good on the news? I watched MN news online and Coleman is losing the Senate recount and they debated the legitimacy of a write-in for "Lizard People" (the debate was taped, it was so funny). Also, they may put a 15% tax on soda (but not diet, gross) in NY state. And Xmas toys for tots--I don't really get that one. Seems pretty low on the list of priorities, when there are hungry families. Maybe kids just need security and love, and some boxes and blocks to play with. I was super materialistic as a kid, I used to spend hours looking at catalogs and imagining what I would buy if I had the money (lots of things for my American girl doll and lots of books). I'm glad I was never indulged like I wanted (though I did get some things, I had Kirsten).

It is 0 degrees there and 44 here right now... I'm going to have to buy some winter gear there.

This picture makes this intersection looks so cool. I know better... a long light, hard to run, and I know for a fact there are many crackheads in the neighborhood (specifically concentrated at 5th Ave). But I'll be back there soon... very exciting! 

I had always heard of vegans who were snobby and turned people off, but I had never met any--until now. Most people here are really cool but there are a few of the holier-than-thou types. It's too bad they take whatever compassion they have, channel it towards animals, and then all their negativity goes towards people they deep unworthy. (Someone literally said if you are not vegan, you are evil, and anything else is cognitive dissidence. It was a very literal person). And it's so bad for the animals because it turns people off. I am really shocked. Luckily there are enough positive people for me to talk to and share ideas with. 

Also--I am so happy because I am becoming more flexible than I have ever been since I was a baby, without even working on it. The meditation is dissolving tension in my body. It feels so good to be able to move how I want to.

This took me back home. I used to go to #1 and 3 all the time. I will be there in two weeks! I can't wait to bike there! It's a pain in the winter but so rewarding. I got two flats near #3 and I never got flats. I also got doored from the left side, biking home from happy hour at El Rodeo Nuevo with co-workers. Crazy intersection, good times.

Last day of classes tomorrow, I am so happy! I will miss my soils class but not the tests. I got a 77 on the last exam, which is pretty bad. My statistics grades have gone way down--from a 100 on the first homework and 97% on the first exam to grades in the 70s. I am pretty apathetic for being a supposedly good student. Like when I got a C+ in genetics--I was so happy that I didn't have to retake it that I didn't care (especially since I thought I failed the final). Will anyone care if I graduate with a bunch of B+s? I don't want to work for anyone that is so particular.

I talked to a Masters student and she is graduating at the end of the summer. I'm very happy for her because that will be me in not too much time. She is very cool and down to earth, involved in growing mushrooms. I'm so glad I'm just a Masters student. Grant writing, 70 hour work weeks and university politics are not for me. That's how all the professors I know have been--crazy busy with the mundane aspects. Maybe it's different out of science, I don't know. Probably not the politics part.

I know a bunch of MPS--Masters of Professional Studies students. You can get a MPS in Horticulture, also International Agriculture and some other interesting subjects. One comes with a Peace Corps experience (though I'm surprised no one seems to acknowledge the very serious faults of Peace Corps). I get jealous of them, they take fun classes, audit science classes (vs for a grade like me) and don't have to take stats. But then I realized they have a hard time getting funding; that's why I'm an MS. I don't want any debt, so I can do whatever I want.

dairy opiates

I should send this to my folks.

Today I feel better, I had nice dreams while I slept.

Am so unmotivated to do everything I'm supposed to do--just a few more weeks. Everything at Cornell is so silly--they use ridiculously big words all the time. I was at this group meeting where we were writing something up. The whole thing was ridiculously academic. I said I didn't know what any of a certain part meant and people kind of looked around funny, awkwardly. In a sense, I did know what it meant, but it was just a bunch of big abstract words, practically meaningless. No one outside of academia would know what it meant (and the target audience for this was not at Cornell). I know they weren't trying to sound pretentious, but they were. Maybe by being so honest I make myself look stupid (hence the awkwardness).

Maybe I can try different phrasing, use big words to express myself, "I am unsure if the expressions used here are are of sufficient brevity and specificity to be understood by the layperson." Okay, I just lost myself with that sentence. My big dream for the world is that one day we won't have to pretend to be smarter than other people or to know things we don't know.