I went mulberry picking after work today! I did it for an hour; until I couldn't reach anymore. I stood on a railing to reach some but didn't climb up the tree. My hands are stained purple.

Really silly thoughts keep popping up--they always did, but now they are more exposed for what they are. So silly! All the time! I can't tell if I've actually regressed, or am just more aware. "Well, I did blah-blah-blah." Who comes up with these things? I feel like I'm dealing with an annoying child. It's actually really nice to not identify with it. I think back, "Yes, dear, we know you're a good student and very bright and worldly, please stop talking about it, even I (your self) is bored by this prattling on." It's mortifying in one sense, but amusing in another.

I try to not say them, but sometimes I do. I would love to go to a 10-day Vipassana retreat, where you spend ten days in silence, with multiple daily mindfulness meditations. They say your mind begins to unravel during the ten days, in a way you can't in normal life. And afterwards, the unwinding continues anytime you are silent. I am sure it would feel long and horrible for days, but I would enjoy life much better afterwards. That's my only hope--enjoying what I have. I make my life so much better, and progress more in general, when I'm making the most of things. That's the paradox. The more you dislike life, the worse it becomes--it doesn't motivate you to actually change. But being able to be there, makes now the best you can make it.

So, when can I get ten days off for a non-vacation vacation? Not sure. But hopefully in the next few years. Before I wasn't ready, but now I think I am as ready as I can be.