All the relationship advice I hear rings hollow, like no one has ever really loved except for me so they all say silly things. I need a book like, "Practical Advaita Vedanta for the Broken", a new addition to the "For Dummies" series. I don't know what I will do when I get back. They have all those tempting gorges people throw themselves off of. I would never do more than stare at them and then walk down to my room and bury myself in there, but that's no way to live, either.

It takes a year to adjust to a new place. And half the length of a relationship to get over it? So is that 1+4 or just 4? What if you still don't really believe it's happening? How long does that take? 10 hundred?

WORDS FROM THE HEART

"Let's keep our love
a secret." God whispered.

"How can I
when I wear the Truth
in my eyes?

Who could look at me
and not see You?

Who could look at You
and not see me?"

written by Hayra Prull

short update

I have so many lovely friends here. It is so fun to bike and walk around. I went to one coop and realized what I had heard about Greenstar Coop having the second largest bulk section in the country, can NOT be true. It looks big in a small town--but the one at the Wedge is at least as big and there are other coops with similarly-sized bulk sections. Okay, but I like Greenstar anyway. I just like to complain about moving.

I have met up with other people also visiting from out of town. And they all say, yes, moving is incredibly hard, it tends to take a year to feel comfortable and adjusted at all, grad school is hard, but sticking to the move is important. So at least the feeling is universal. I had always felt like such a trooper before--life was never so hard. Now I am more sympathetic to people with depression, or I should say, I understand better. 

I think I'm sick, I feel hot and cold. But I'm going out tonight.

Sigh ... like this. Not that media replaces life. I don't like shoe shopping.

I need to be with someone who knows what he wants and is committed to that all the way, through ups and downs. That is how I am finishing my degree. I am committed to working in sustainable agriculture, making it work for people and translating all the goobledegok into something practical. So I will stick it out through the low and high points and will have so much to show in the end for it, than if I took the easy, noncommittal road that gives you nothing in the end. That's how I will always live my life.

I liked this. It takes up a lot of energy when you have to pretend.

Back to Mpls!!!

I walked a few miles today in Minneapolis. The sun was shining, and even though it was below zero, I loved it. Ithaca is warm but cloudy--the combination of cold and sun was invigorating. I missed Minneapolis so much. I saw two old co-workers and they bought me lunch at a fancy, hip restaurant I never would have gone to on my own. It was a lot of fun to catch-up. Both them them are in their late thirties and childless by choice, which is interesting (especially since they worked at WIC). I've spent a lot of time with women that age lately... I'm so glad they don't mind my company, since I'm so much longer. The server carded me and not them. (The flight attendant yesterday thought I was under 18). I guess I'm getting to the point where that's a good thing... some of it must be genetics since hard living usually doesn't catch up to you until your 40s, more or less. But who knows.

I am going to bike to my Rolfing appointment tomorrow! So fun, I haven't biked more than one or two miles at once than leaving Ithaca... this won't be too long, either (I'm not that hardcore). Maybe five or six miles. It'll be above zero tomorrow, so not too bad. I'm excited.

I have to go to a far away airport now--$$$$. And leave late tomorrow. OR leave from Ithaca and leave the 23rd. Nooooo

NWA canceled my flight for tomorrow morning--I'm on hold to reschedule and they're playing pretty bad country music.

There was a vegan holiday potluck today at my house. They liked it, liked my apartment. You forget when you're used to a place. But we have a tapestry from Peru on the wall and a bunch of Frida Kahlo art, and wood floors. It was really nice to hang out with them. One of the guys is a dietary vegan, though he does care about the animal issues. It's so funny, I don't know a single other dietary vegan in real life. I guess my grandma kind of is now, because she does McDougall (she will eat other stuff when she goes out, sometimes). Some don't care at all--they just don't want to abuse animals. Like that vegan fast food joint in Brooklyn I visited. If only it had been ten years earlier... at fifteen I would eat anything vegetarian, I would have gone vegan if I had been exposed to that movement (or known much about it), especially with all that comfort food. I would have loved it. Now, though, didn't eat anything there.

Still on hold... I want to go home... what a pain. What if they route me to some distance airport and I have to pay an arm and a leg for a taxi ride there. Super lammmme.

Lizard People

Who says there's nothing good on the news? I watched MN news online and Coleman is losing the Senate recount and they debated the legitimacy of a write-in for "Lizard People" (the debate was taped, it was so funny). Also, they may put a 15% tax on soda (but not diet, gross) in NY state. And Xmas toys for tots--I don't really get that one. Seems pretty low on the list of priorities, when there are hungry families. Maybe kids just need security and love, and some boxes and blocks to play with. I was super materialistic as a kid, I used to spend hours looking at catalogs and imagining what I would buy if I had the money (lots of things for my American girl doll and lots of books). I'm glad I was never indulged like I wanted (though I did get some things, I had Kirsten).

It is 0 degrees there and 44 here right now... I'm going to have to buy some winter gear there.

This picture makes this intersection looks so cool. I know better... a long light, hard to run, and I know for a fact there are many crackheads in the neighborhood (specifically concentrated at 5th Ave). But I'll be back there soon... very exciting! 

I had always heard of vegans who were snobby and turned people off, but I had never met any--until now. Most people here are really cool but there are a few of the holier-than-thou types. It's too bad they take whatever compassion they have, channel it towards animals, and then all their negativity goes towards people they deep unworthy. (Someone literally said if you are not vegan, you are evil, and anything else is cognitive dissidence. It was a very literal person). And it's so bad for the animals because it turns people off. I am really shocked. Luckily there are enough positive people for me to talk to and share ideas with. 

Also--I am so happy because I am becoming more flexible than I have ever been since I was a baby, without even working on it. The meditation is dissolving tension in my body. It feels so good to be able to move how I want to.

This took me back home. I used to go to #1 and 3 all the time. I will be there in two weeks! I can't wait to bike there! It's a pain in the winter but so rewarding. I got two flats near #3 and I never got flats. I also got doored from the left side, biking home from happy hour at El Rodeo Nuevo with co-workers. Crazy intersection, good times.

Last day of classes tomorrow, I am so happy! I will miss my soils class but not the tests. I got a 77 on the last exam, which is pretty bad. My statistics grades have gone way down--from a 100 on the first homework and 97% on the first exam to grades in the 70s. I am pretty apathetic for being a supposedly good student. Like when I got a C+ in genetics--I was so happy that I didn't have to retake it that I didn't care (especially since I thought I failed the final). Will anyone care if I graduate with a bunch of B+s? I don't want to work for anyone that is so particular.

I talked to a Masters student and she is graduating at the end of the summer. I'm very happy for her because that will be me in not too much time. She is very cool and down to earth, involved in growing mushrooms. I'm so glad I'm just a Masters student. Grant writing, 70 hour work weeks and university politics are not for me. That's how all the professors I know have been--crazy busy with the mundane aspects. Maybe it's different out of science, I don't know. Probably not the politics part.

I know a bunch of MPS--Masters of Professional Studies students. You can get a MPS in Horticulture, also International Agriculture and some other interesting subjects. One comes with a Peace Corps experience (though I'm surprised no one seems to acknowledge the very serious faults of Peace Corps). I get jealous of them, they take fun classes, audit science classes (vs for a grade like me) and don't have to take stats. But then I realized they have a hard time getting funding; that's why I'm an MS. I don't want any debt, so I can do whatever I want.

dairy opiates

I should send this to my folks.

Today I feel better, I had nice dreams while I slept.

Am so unmotivated to do everything I'm supposed to do--just a few more weeks. Everything at Cornell is so silly--they use ridiculously big words all the time. I was at this group meeting where we were writing something up. The whole thing was ridiculously academic. I said I didn't know what any of a certain part meant and people kind of looked around funny, awkwardly. In a sense, I did know what it meant, but it was just a bunch of big abstract words, practically meaningless. No one outside of academia would know what it meant (and the target audience for this was not at Cornell). I know they weren't trying to sound pretentious, but they were. Maybe by being so honest I make myself look stupid (hence the awkwardness).

Maybe I can try different phrasing, use big words to express myself, "I am unsure if the expressions used here are are of sufficient brevity and specificity to be understood by the layperson." Okay, I just lost myself with that sentence. My big dream for the world is that one day we won't have to pretend to be smarter than other people or to know things we don't know. 

happy changes, break

I didn't do any school work all week until today, and I didn't do that much. I feel so good, I needed the do-nothing break so bad. I really needed it or I would have quit. As it was, I was skipping class like mad. My Weds classes got canceled and I skipped my Tues class (have to get notes from a classmate) so I had almost a week :) I am so happy. 

Over break (I will be in Ithaca the last two weeks) my advisor will be gone. We ran out of time to set-up a greenhouse experiment, so I will just do whatever her lab tech says to do, maybe analyze some data (good practice for when I have to do my own). She is super nice and not a workoholic like my advisor so that will actually be nice. It'll be just like working a regular job and I will have time to do lit review (I always have to do lit review, always. For the rest of my life, said Anu). 

One week of classes left! Two weeks for finals! And at the vegan meet-up today, we decided on a holiday party, it will be a day or two before I leave for Mpls and I'm hosting! Sadly Roman will be gone then (he leaves 2 or 3 days before me). What a relief. I can study now,  being able to see the end. It was just unbearable before, I really hated it and was too sleep deprived.

--------------------------

Also my mom said she hated it when she moved, too, and it's normal and OK but I will feel different when I leave. I know she was depressed when she went to OR (in part because they get no sun) so I believe her. She would say if she thought it was just worthless, she implied that about high school (we went to the same high school and neither of us liked it! We handled it differently though). It's nice to get good advice from mom--the previous few times I had talked to her, she wasn't very helpful, so I was pleasantly surprised.

I found this old interview that I loved so much, I have never read a better one. The end blows me away. I read a book by the guy interviewed, God is Red, and it was very focused on blowing open problems with Christianity--not really relevant for me since I was never Christian. But what he says here is very good.

aahahaha

I just read a review of an awful, overly simplistic (IMO) New Age book that said, "If you can turn to any page of this book and there's a quote there to solve your life's problems, then you really don't have any problems. You probably just forgot your cell phone near the cappuccino machine back at the condo."

Ohhhh it made me laugh. I have tried to get meaning out of this book so many times and, yeah, search hard enough and there is (same for any book). But there are books with waaay more wisdom. 

This poem by a Persian poet was near me the whole time I was in Minneapolis and I never saw it. I couldn't have been more than half a mile away. The picture is too big to put here.

I wish I could read the original--my dad wasn't thinking at all, how could he not have taught me Persian?

I just had two tons of popcorn and feel really great. All the yoga I'm doing is sending energy flowing, but I don't get any ecstatic feelings like many report--it all feels like despair and other intense emotions leaving my body. It's not quite the same as depression because it usually doesn't stem from my own thoughts or experiences, though there is of course some of that--my own stuff is mainly worry. Most of it I just watch, and it goes through me, but I still feel it physically. It wears on me.

I have been feeling this the majority of the time for the last few months. The popcorn was like turning the "off" valve--yes you have to deal with your feelings and karma at some point, but you also need a break. So now I am so grateful to have a respite, a bit of relief. The steady flow will continue soon enough... I am trying to take a wide perspective. Things will hopefully slow down in a few months. Otherwise, if I assumed this is how things would always be, I would feel horribly depressed. But I don't identify with it, so it's more like a big work load than feeling depressed, per se.

For awhile I felt stuck, but I am not so concerned anymore... after my birthday I noticed some things clearing up and I had some new types of automatic yoga show up--the desire to do certain physical yoga things, like the cleaning out of the sinuses and throat. There are images of yogis pulling cloths out of their mouths and now I understand why--clearing out that excess mucus can clear you both physically and mentally. I actually stuck my hand down my throat in the shower and pulled some junk out. There's weird stuff like that all the time. It all sounds really cool but it's not, it's like drudgery. I'm cleaning house and it is dirty. And I have to scrub the whole thing with a toothbrush. It will be so great when I get to some kind of plateau--not ecstacy, just normalcy.

All my classes Weds were canceled! It is so great.

maybe don't read this if you want to be uplifted...

A classmate involved with a social justice group at her church asked me to come and talk about my experiences with WIC, to put a human face on important government programs. Afterwards I realized it was much more difficult than I thought it would be, because I had to think of stories that were positive--like the boy whose hemoglobin was so low, his drop of blood was actually clearish. If we hadn't caught the low hemoglobin, it wouldn't have gotten caught for months, most likely. WIC was very beneficial in that case. 

But most of what I could think of was not good. I never realized what a toll it took on me, everyday. There was the pregnant teenager who was in tears; besides being away from her home country and struggling to get by financially (a tragedy almost everyone I saw bore), her boyfriend left her for another woman before she found out about the pregnancy. When she told him about it, he said she was a slut and it was from another man (of course he was the slutty one). And he wouldn't help out at all, and worse, she was heartbroken. 

There was the very high domestic abuse rate I suspected but rarely able to confirm. Sometimes women would tell me about someone else they knew. Or they would assure me that their husband didn't drink, or was peaceful when he drank (the assumption being, most men get violent when they drink, that's normal).

And the woman given TB meds after her baby was born. This made her birth control ineffective and she got pregnant 1 month after giving birth. She hadn't been planning on more babies and quite frankly, couldn't afford it. She didn't abort but was angry about the pregnancy for some time--how must that affect the baby's psyche!? Financially it was very difficult for them. Turns out some intern made the mistake and the pharmacist didn't catch it.

Also there was a woman whose husband was out of work for months. He was working on their car and was brutally attacked, he nearly died--so someone could steal the car.  A neighbor, who knew this man (he was very kind and generous so well-known in the neighborhood) found him bleeding... The car had had their WIC folder in it; she came in to get it replaced.

Also the woman who had miscarried and was afraid of miscarrying again--that was many women, actually. All the women with small children in their home country, who missed them so badly they couldn't talk about. Women whose husbands were deported. The parents who had health problems but were uninsured, or went hungry so their children could eat. A few women came in beat-up--attacked while coming home late, from their cleaning jobs (often hotel). One woman was a domestic, though. She said she ran into the door! The door! That's the classic domestic abuse cover, I couldn't believe it; "La puerta? Esta segura?" I asked. Yes, she was sure. I run into doors all the time and have never gotten a black eye from it.

My god, there are so many more stories. They are treated so badly I can't stand it. I want all the women to go home, stand up to their husbands, and leave this country and economy in a huge mess. We depend on their slave labor and if they stopped coming, that would be great, and the joke would be on us. I am so thrilled about this recession. We will suffer the most and they will suffer the least, because they know how to do things like make shelter and grow food (most were driven off their land; from ranches or whatever. That's why they seem so uneducated to us).

Joke time

From Your Immortal Reality:

This Buddhist is walking in Central Park. He walks up to a hot-dog vendor and says, "Make me one with everything." The vendor gives the Buddhist a hot-dog, and after the Buddhist pays for it, he asks for his change. But the hot-dog vendor says, "Change comes from within."

----------------------------------------------------

I met Colin T. Campbell, author of The China Study, at a vegan potluck tonight. Not quite as big a brush with fame as when I was ten feet from Josh Harnett at an anti-war rally (Iraq), but I might get him to speak in Mpls in 2010 (long waiting list, typical).

Yesterday I had this revelation, that if I never judge anyone else and accepting of other people's flaws, then I don't have to judge or be harsh on myself. Everything is fine. It was such a big relief. So now, if I think something critical, I have to question it and see how it's not true. If I think a fat person's body is gross, I have to go back and re-examine that. And then I know I will love my body how it is, no matter what. It was a really great thing to have click. 

I'm so excited because there will be beautiful snow on the ground for my birthday for the first time in a long time! At least 7 or 8 years.

For my birthday, I am skipping class and having lunch with Roman (he works at night) at the Moosewood Restaurant (hopefully it will be good, they aren't as vegan-friendly as you'd think) and my dad is paying, he called and arranged it. Yea!

I won't drop out of school because I take the secure route and it's my paycheck. But if I didn't have a stipend, I would seriously consider dropping out. Two years is a long time to wait for increased income potential. Luckily my degree will do more than that, but nothing I couldn't have learned about on my own.

Next week is Thanksgiving! And I think the last week of classes is 12/5, then 2 weeks for "finals week". I am so happy!!!!

I am going to skip class to go to restorative yoga, that makes me feel much better.

happy birthweek to me ramble

I really, really want to quit school. They're lucky they have me on a stipend, because that's the main thing keeping me here. My advisor wants me to take longer than it's supposed to take (2 yrs)--I have to find a way out of that. She keeps adding things in--and then you'll be here anyway, you can take another class here! Internally I think NO WAY is that going to happen, you can't keep dragging it out on me. But there's no good way to say that--I have to think of ways to make it happen. Who knows if there will even be funding. The thing is that they want me to have publishable research, not just MS research. So you need to base it on two years of data--okay, maybe I will finish the paper from somewhere else then.

I have to start saying no to her requests (or "this might take me awhile" is a nice way to put it). I haven't because I have wanted to seem super competent. But now I don't care becaue I feel too burnt out. This might be my worst semester as far as classes go, though. Next fall I have to memorize a bunch of plant pathogens for the plant path class, that'll be the worse after this. No more stupid statistics. As far as data and research go, they will keep giving me more work, but it's easier to negotiate than classes.

I'm glad I don't use coffee or any stimulants because that would push me farther than I should go. I wonder who uses hard stimulants... some people must. The kind of person who is very hard on themselves and pushes themselves to the end and then still has to keep going. It's tempting, luckily kombucha's as hard as I can go. It does make me tipsy, it has very minor alcohol content. I'm a kombuchaholic???

I never see Roman and I'm away from home so I kind of wonder "what is the point of all this?" Too bad I don't value earning potential more... Maybe if things get easier it will develop my character instead of making me miserable, that would be good. I keep telling non-Cornell people I meet that the environment is very unhealthy. And my mom always says--keep working harder! It's so good for you! Because she has had too low standards for herself, she knows. But she is also is too hard on herself, on another level. Now that I'm older, instead of arguing, I have to smile and ignore her advice. Sure, mom... God, I just want to move back home. Even if it is freezing there now (it's in the 50s here). It's also hotter there in the summer. I like the extremes, they develop good character. I just want to go home because it is home and I was right not to leave there earlier, it is a good place. Even if they eat hotdish.

"I have lived on the lip of insanity,
wanting to know reasons,
knocking on a door.
It opens.
I've been knocking from the inside!" ~Rumi

Now Persians are so materialistic--a far as I know, very few of them are religious fundamentalists like the media portrays. Forced asceticism has pushed them the other way. The yamas and niyamas in yoga are supposed to develop naturally; you pursue a simpler, wholesome life naturally as you shed everything that isn't you.
I wonder what will happen there. Obama is putting together a Clinton-esque cabinet and they were very pro-war, so who knows. Clinton was hawkish like Bush, he just had a shinier package. But they are busy bombing many other places right now, I have no idea what will happen.

quick update

Birthday next week--very very busy and feeling fried, like a scrambled egg. I am doing nothing on my birthday though, except go to my lame ag machinery class. Maybe I should even call in sick, to do that once shouldn't affect my grade. Oooh, I like this idea...

My nerves were so shot that last night I had to smoke to calm down enough to do my homework. I don't even like not being sober. Normally I get super lazy--but I was so anxious I didn't know what else to do. It worked well, I was able to study.

Have a lot of things to do this weekend.  But I found a library called the Alternatives Library and got a bunch of great books. They have so, so many great ones. I am reading a book on fasting, one by Yogananda on love (?), I Am That, another by Pema Chodron, plus The Power of Now and two Byron Katie books. But it's all great, it helps me manage my workload. 

I am having trouble with feelings of resentment, that I have to do all this work. I miss WIC a lot (the moms and kids)--I talked to someone who did Peace Corps and she misses working with kids and adults in Spanish, too--sad just like me. I couldn't stay there, but it was good work. I'm glad I switched from nutrition to horticulture, but nutrition would have been so, so much easier. I already had done graduate level work in nutrition. Now I have to catch up for hort. Plus I miss my good friends back home, I love Minneapolis too. Anyway, so I feel resentful, but really this is just a way to force myself to learn to be happy--it is all in the mind. Plus I live by a beautiful creek with big trees, so what could possibly be bad?

Also, Tuesday morning I went to a shaman. I thought it might be nothing, just a useless white person impersonating a real spiritual experience--really I was open-minded though. And it was incredible. She communicated with the spirit world and got all sorts of information I knew to be true, dealing with past karma. I am very grateful to her.

This article on Tibet was interesting. What is says shouldn't have been a surprise to me-- basically that the elite of Tibet were suppressing the people (as happens with political systems and authoritarianism). When China came in and suppressed them, they got upset and had a big uproar--it was okay that they were suppressing the poor, but they themselves should not be suppressed! For the poor (average person), it is the same old story. Tibet does need to be liberated, but not back to the same old system.

The website has lots of other good writings on the New Age movement, reminding me that anything too "feel-good" or that is not self-empowering should be looked at discerningly--there are a lot of "teachers" preying on needy souls (who don't realize what they need is already inside them--they just need genuine spiritual practice to access it IMO).

Funny, it all goes back to avoiding authoritarian systems, whether political or religious/spiritual in nature. I was very burned out on politics, but I will have to get back into things at some point, karma yoga. I like the idea of forming any sort of community program at all--eco-communities, libraries, CSAs, anything like that is a positive empowering step that helps everyone.

My nerves feel shot--I think it is because of the meditating. Nervous system impurities come up, and if you do too much, your system will feel fried. So I've been craving fat, which is uncharacteristic. Blargh.

I found this website; they should give this book to every expecting couple/person/family. American parenting too often resembles child neglect. The feeding schedule is really bad for breastfeeding as well, most babies and moms will not get/make enough milk feeding only every 4 hours. Some babies feed constantly for a number of hours before breaking...

Very interesting interview with Byron Katie:

BK: Yes. Radical physical shifts. I went from over 200 pounds down to just, where my husband was just fearful, I was so thin, and it was just…an amazing phenomenon. And my tongue, if I ate any kind of animal product at all, my tongue would bleed. And that's how I knew to eat vegetarian and not even dairy. And that's shifted now and it doesn't happen anymore. But it would just bleed and I would just have to hold a handkerchief on it. But then it would just move through.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The rest is also very beautiful. My mind is very afraid of the idea of oneness (which they talk about), because then it won't exist as an independent entity, terrified. But it's not really independent anyway. That's the illusion, I guess.

Kahuna energy

Saturday I went to a Kahuna Healing Energy Preview. They talked for quite a while (one of the ladies said "When I was 70..."-- I hadn't realized she was over 70! It's really nice to meet older people with wisdom and experience). Then we did a guided meditation (similar to grounding exercises where you focus into the ground and then up) and they came around and focused light energy on us. I couldn't feel a lot like some people, but I did very subtly feel energy moving down. And my meditations since then have been really good, my mind is much calmer and I get a break from the past/future thinking.

I have been eating massive, massive amounts of greens. I love kale so much. The dehydrator I ordered never came (long story), but we rigged one by putting an incandescent bulb in the oven (I can easily take it out). I dehydrated a bunch of hot peppers I had harvested (they were about to rot in the fridge) and kale "chips", tonight I am going to make "burgers" with sprouted mung beans, carrots, flax, and spices. I love the simplicity of the system--Roman had always said incandescents are so inefficient, they give off light as a byproduct of the heat. And it turns out they dehydrate quite well!

My laptop died, the new one. So it will have to be sent to Apple, and I'll have to wait for it. Hmmm. This is the third one in the past year. When my mom started doing serious energy work like qi gong and tai chi, she was having light bulbs go out, appliances burn out, and she had two car accidents. I wasn't living at home so I don't know all the details. But I'll be buying warranties, that's for sure.

I got houseplants, they are beautiful. I needed shady plants, we don't get much sun. I also got kale, I hope it lives! But it wasn't organic--next time I will grow from organic seed. I don't like that I supported the conventional industry, I wasn't thinking. Poor chemicalized kale.

I also got a book on Taoist White Tigress practices. Very interesting ideas and practices for energy work.

Randomness

My jaw is sore--I clench it all night long, and sometimes in the day, not on purpose of course. My back is getting better, but it goes back and forth. It is for sure improving overall though.

My Tree of Life friend were going to meet up tomorrow but maybe it won't happen, he is sweet and floaty and so I don't have any expectations. I was planning on going alone anyway--a talk at Namgyal Buddhist Center, the Dalai Lama's North American place. "Eight stanzas for training the mind" by Gyumed Khensur Rinpoche.

I met some bikers, finally, at the coop. They thought I was cool because I ride a fixed gear, it's so funny. One guy had seen it several times, actually, he knew my bike! I was given suggestions for snow tires (the studded ones) or mountain bike tires for the snow. Why is everyone always so concerned about the snow? You just tell yourself you have to do it and you manage fine. And maybe end up walking your bike if it's really bad. But maybe I will meet up with some of them Sat, there is a benefit or something somewhere (great memory I have). They are the punk-type bikers. The kind that usually are too cool for me. I was dressed like a snowwoman and not cool at all, but I guess my bike was good enough. Or maybe they are just nice.

A lady at the coop read my pulse--TCM. She said it was good and slow, indicating that I am often cold. Very minor kidney stuff. For some reason I thought she should find more that is wrong with me--maybe she can't go deep enough. She was very nice though and we had an interesting conversation.

Growing sprouts--lentils and mung beans are very successful and consistent. Am trying fenugreek. Ooh! Need to try quinoa--I did it before but they spoiled. Apparently they only soak for one hour (vs overnight or all day) and then you drain them. So I oversoaked them by a lot--will try again.

Lots of work to get back to...

Ew, I heard the Obama campaign's rebuttals against what McCain has been saying and it reminded me why I am not interested in either one. Their policies are basically the same, I can't waste my energy getting behind that. It's good if people want to vote for him, but he has to play the game to be okay'ed to run for prez, and the game is evil.

Tooooo much work going on. I am not getting a PhD, maybe never, for sure not now.

back pain

I have had upper back pain for years (since I was 21, I think), for a variety of physical reasons, and just recently I have realized that it is a physical manifestation of emotional pain, any chronic pain is. I am reading this book, "Healing Back Pain" and it says (this is from a very good review on amazon.com, not me--it can be looked up):

-The pain is due to TMS (Tension Mytosis Syndrome), not a structural abnormality

-The direct reason for the pain is mild oxygen deprivation

-TMS is a harmless condition caused by repressed emotions

-The principle emotion is repressed anger

-TMS exists only to distract my attention from the emotions

-Since my back is basically normal, there is nothing to fear

-Therefore, physical activity is not dangerous

-And I must resume all normal physicla activity

-I will not be concerned or intimidated by the pain

-I will shift my attention from my pain to emotional issues

-I intend to be in control, not my unconscious mind

-I must think psychological at all times, not physical

I heard about this book years ago but never read it because I figured it didn't apply to me. My back pain had physical causes! Then I saw it at Alex Grey's studio and it said: "I have never seen a patient with pain in the nexk, shoulder, back or buttocks who didn't believe the pain was due to an injury, a "hurt" brought on by some physical activity." Four years ago my mind woud have protested and come up with a list of reasons why mine really was 100% physical. But when I read that the other weekend, my mind went uncharacteristically silent. Bingo.

I got the reminder from my clinic for the second round of Hep A vaccine, to make it stick for longer. I got so, so sick after getting vaccines last April that it makes me very reluctant. I can't afford to be sick in grad school, and I really wonder about the preservatives they stick in the vaccine. If the medical establishment really believes in the principle of protection through minor exposure, they should be encouraging us to stop with the overly sterilized environments, to eat unwashed produce--basically undo everything except for washing hands (with water) after bathroom or being with sick people. I don't know what to think but am suspicious for sure.

crazy day

I was biking to the farmers' market and stopped at a light and looked over--and saw a dear friend from the Tree of Life! Just sitting there, hanging out with some other people. A really sweet, open, accepting guy. I had missed getting his e-mail address somehow, and had thought about how I wished I had it; yesterday, in fact, I thought about how he blessed his food and had these long, funny, sweet prayers, and how I might want to do that myself. I learn something everytime I talk to this guy. He is in another world, so he can be kind of spacey. But so sweet.

He is going to be here until the end of the month! We talked for hours and exchanged lots of ideas. I learned so much. All these things I had thought about before were coming together. We went to Greenstar and started talking to some other guy, and then we talked for an hour, in the produce department.

One thing I liked a lot that he said--there is this group of Christians that live together in a communal way, it is pretty cool, eco-friendly I think. They want to live their ideals instead of just talking about them. But they try and recruit you everytime you talk to them, and say that we are not all God's children, just the ones who act in this way are. The rest of the world is in Satan's grasp. (Satan!? I nearly laughed. Too bad for them, that they limit themselves with these thoughts. Satan is just a concept, a personification of ignorance--which works out to be evil).

Anyway, he said that when they talk he thinks:"~~~~~~~~"and just takes in the good parts. They have lots of good parts. The rest, he doesn't even hear. Everyone says only they have the right answer, it's nothing to pay attention to. You just go with what resonates for you personally. It's much better than judging the person. Hmmmm... that explains why when I saw parts of the debate this past week, I didn't hear anything. Nothing true was being said!

The whole thing was crazy. I felt like I got high, high, higher. I wasn't going to tell Roman the details of our crazy conversation, because it would be too much and make him feel uncomfortable. I'm talking about other realms of consciousness, and he's open but also firmly rooted in this reality. Then, later on today, I was feeling too high, too weird, like I would float away (my hands were shaking), or maybe spirits would talk to me (and that's too weird for me right now). So I ate to ground myself, and thought more about my imagined response from Roman. He is always teaching me something, even if he or I doesn't know it. He is getting weirded out by me generally lately, being so floaty, and this would bother him even more. What is the lesson there? I know I need to be careful to move slowly and be more careful about grounding myself---that's the lesson. Be grounded enough so that I have something "normal" to talk to him about. That's not holding back--it's self-pacing. Self-pacing is very emphasized in the yoga meditations I am following, and I am not pacing myself well. So, I still feel super weird, I think I am going to watch the Office. Instead of meditating even more and frying my brains out :)

Brastfeeding men

Whoa.

dreamworld

The subliminal CDs said not to listen for more than 30-60 mins to some of them, or you would feel lightheaded since your brain waves are altered. Since I thought it might be a bunch of baloney that didn't work, I listened for hours while doing homework. It's easier to listen to than regular music since there are no words, just ocean waves or weird New Age-y floaty music. So after hours of that, I started to feel extremely disassociated, like I was aware that I was not only my body. It really freaked me out. Maybe it was my ego that was freaked out, I don't know. But I need to heed the warnings! I still feel a bit of that disassociation today, but am listening in lowered, reasonable amounts today. Slow progress is important so you don't go backwards--I felt for a bit, when I was almost panicking, that I should abandon everything I'm doing to grow and go back to normal life, preferable as a atheist, so everything would seem controlled and manageable. But that life is miserable, so I didn't :)

There is also one I listen to when I am falling asleep (that is okay to listen to all night) and it gives me beautiful dreams where I am gliding, and who knows what else. Maybe go into other dimensions? I can't remember. All these years I have had such stressful dreams, they were more like real life, except with ridiculous problems that don't make sense in the real world. I am so grateful that this is finally changing, I sleep so much better now.

Crap, I think this guy is right.

bugs

I haven't been able to kill mosquitos lately, I don't have the heart to do it. I never felt right about it, but I just couldn't stand them. But a few days ago I finally decided I can't keep going against myself, and hurt something/one else on purpose. If I'm going to grow, I have to do all sorts of things that are uncomfortable, but not actually bad. They are getting more docile around me anyway. In the past two days, I've captured two and let them outside.

Raw food guru David Wolfe's mom is from Iran, like my dad. So funny. I want to go visit over there and learn something about the place (and eat the dates and pomegranates), but my dad says it's too dangerous. Everything is dangerous, I'm not concerned. People still visit Israel. He hasn't been there since the revolution though, and he never does anything, he is kind but too stuck in his ways. It's really sad. I told him before I left that he never does anything he says and that he should go back to Iran now (he really wants to). He said, when he was young he told everyone he was going to America and no one believed him. When he left at 18 everyone was so surprised. I hope he surprises me, but I don't think so. Maybe I could go see my family by myself. My dad is an awful translator anyway, translating requires listening. Having Roman there would be nice though, to deter the cousin who wants to marry me :) I don't understand that culture much at all (except for the parenting style, which is basically what is called "attachment parenting" here--family bed, lots of affection for children, extended breastfeeding, etc).

Plant Science Building garden

My office and some classes are in here--there is also a greenhouse connected to another side. I plan on going there in the winter! Half is research, but half is tropical plants and open to visitors.

trees and cds

I had thought that in returning from NYC, I would be bored by Ithaca and its small town-ness. But I made good use of the bus ride home, meditating and questioning my thoughts--there wasn't much else to do. And I thought about how you can be happy or dissatisfied anywhere. Ithaca has many great things. I have been taking it for granted, that for a small town it is pretty liberal, in the sense of people not judging you for who you are. There are a lot of great people working for peace and eco-movements (even if I am not directly connected with them). And yes, small towns are slower paced. But if you are not over-stimulated, you will learn to enjoy that, and that there is actually tons going on. Nature is always busy--it's just a matter of stilling yourself enough to notice.

So when I got here, I saw that it was so beautiful. And actually, it was. It was like the color just exploded on the trees. And I was able to see them. Usually I'm so caught up in my thoughts that I see everything through a thick haze. Maybe I should put that in the past tense...it's not so true anymore. I am really opening up a lot. And then I walked by this tree that was so bright and vibrant that I was literally moved to tears. I was kind of shocked, I am never moved to tears. But I have always loved trees and kneeled before them in times of despair. And they just exist, and let you exist, and they never ask for anything in return.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I also am listening to some subliminal CDs. I had heard the idea a long time ago. You listen to something like ocean waves, but it has subliminal messages. Sounds silly, maybe, but I try to be open-minded so I don't miss out on things. Finally I found some mp3s and downloaded them--you can buy them and you can get them through bittorrent as well. Mine are from Brain Sync.

Anyway, I am actually really surprised. You are not supposed to see any effect for 30 days but I felt like there were effects immediately--I did listen a lot though. There are ones for improved sleep, better focus, kundalini release (I am avoiding this for now since my meditations have felt pretty powerful lately), etc.

After the first night, I had a dream and my subconscious said---keep doing these, I am able to fly into dimensions through my dreams that I was never able to before. It was not a dream about the mp3s working, it was my subconscious telling me something, a direct observation. I don't know if they would have worked a year or only six months ago, but I am more open now and I feel a difference. My sleep was so good last night, usually I have such nerve-wracking dreams (but not nightmares) that I wake up tired. I feel a difference in other ways too, hard to describe but very obvious... I can't fake it, and I don't think it's placebo effect. I wouldn't care if it was, results are results. But placebos have never helped me before, even when I wanted them to. 

I need to be studying. But I had an interesting thought while I was in the shower. I was thinking about how I had never planned on voting for Obama, even though I obviously prefer him over McCain, because I ultimately don't believe in a centralized governmental system, it concentrates power too much and only allows puppets to run for office. Obama's policies are not actually that different from McCain, if you really examine the content instead of the rhetoric.

But then, I was thinking about how people will react if he becomes president. Many people feel personally attacked by the idea of a black person leading their country. I can only hope he doesn't get assassinated, but undoubtedly people have already tried. And why do people hate him so much? Because a black man represents The Other, fear of the unknown. The same fear that drives people to kill others over race/religion/ethinicity and to wage wars against animals and the earth. It's all ultimately from the same place. And while he is not that different, his rhetoric is different, and people fear that. He suggests we should help others within the country and outside, and make peace with the Middle East. That rhetoric really disgusts some people, I would guess their pain bodies don't like that (I am reading A New Earth). This triggering of negative emotions is good--better they are brought to the surface than hidden underneath, so they can be addressed.  So now I am thinking I would like to support Obama just because of what he represents. That's versus some people I know who want to vote for McCain to speed up the inevitable decline of America. I never was thinking that, because I'm uncomfortable doing negative actions, even if they might eventually do some good. But I had been thinking to vote third party or not at all. Now, maybe not.

My brother's coach said this about him: "This kid is a truly amazing. Last year he was a 6'3" member of our 10th grade team. Now he is a 6'8" DI caliber power forward. He may not be done growing. I have never personally seen a kid improve as much as Mike has in one off-season."

I am so proud. I didn't know he was 6'8" now--I am 5'3". I remember lugging him around as a chunky breast-fed baby. And then he was a beanpole, very sensitive, always very quiet and introspective. My mom said his coach told her he he doesn't even know the full extent of how good he is. It's so funny that that is the same person.

local small dairy

We went to a smallish-medium sized local dairy for my soil science lab (looking at manure production). It was much better than the huge, super crowded feedlots, but still sad to me. They did not graze, they were inside. The poor baby calves were taken from their mothers for veal and the moms had engorged breasts--not for feeding their babies. So sad! Having been so involved in breastfeeding promotion, it seems so wrong--the mother cows are instinctually mothers just like us women, they want to nourish their children. Their breasts look so much like ours.

Maybe you could own one cow and skim a little milk off the side after the baby drinks, that wouldn't be cruel. But then, why not just breastfeed your children longer (instead of weaning so early), that milk has exactly what humans need (not to create a falso dicotomy). Many societies breastfeed until five, six, seven...it's hard to me to grasp (cultural conditioning), but I can't think of any actual logical reason why this is wrong. Two to three years is obviously a minimum, but there's actually a lot of scientific evidence that this is not necessarily long enough---looking at age of weaning of other mammals (to half-way of reproductive maturity or 1/3 of adult bodyweight), immune system capacity, etc. I guess that's why the best advice is--do it as long as you both want to.

Freeville, NY

This shows a part of my research plot. The whole thing is an acre, and you can see there are different blocks, the treatments and repetitions. The seeding dates and rates for the cover crop vary (some has come up and some was just seeded). This is hairy vetch and rye, oats and peas are in another part (those are mixes, mixes are better than a single species for a variety of reasons).

We had the second frost last night...harvest season is ending. I went out to the research farm and made the most of it--had maybe 12 red bell peppers today (from the organic breeding plots!). It was my entire lunch and half of my dinner. And we harvested acorn squash (heavy!) and carrots.

I also got my stats test back. I had guessed that I got a very bad grade--maybe less than C-. They put up the key and I couldn't remember any of it--except for the first (easiest) question, which I misinterpreted and got wrong. But all is well! I am a better student than ever--smarter, more time efficient. Less stressed out. And that's good, because my research on various aspects of sustainable farming is a killer. Science is so boring.

I saw these women and the energy was incredible. I have been doing a lot of clearing out, and I think even a month ago the event would have been too boring, I would have been too closed off. I don't remember much of what they talked about, but I was focused inwards and feeling it from that direction. I felt a physical and emotional lifting in my gut area.

So I'm getting more open, which is making me more sensitive. This is good, because being closed off is just hurting me in the long run. So then last night...

Coffee and aspirin and other minor drugs normally don't affect me, because I'm just too cerebral. Then last night, after the women's gathering, I had a fair amount of raw chocolate. Chocolate has theobromine, a caffiene-like compound. I could never feel it before, but last night it felt like I was on coke or something (not that I know what that's like). My pulse started racing, and I started to get worried. I couldn't sleep for hours. I had too many energy but couldn't focused it, so I stayed in bed as my mind raced. For a minute I was worried that I had gone too far with yogic practices and blown my crown chakra open :) But then I remembered that plenty of people get this sort of reaction with coffee or chocolate. And I rarely have either. I just have never reacted before. 

I'm tired as hell today, but it's nice to not be so numb anymore.

Watched the movie  Zeitgeist, the newer version--I hadn't seen the older one but had heard about it. I knew about many of these things before, but a lot of details were filled in for me. 

I also watched The Secret movie. I don't doubt there is truth to it, but the focus of the people in it was really disgusting--money, posessions, very superficial things. I would still use the techniques; focusing on what you accomplish is effective no matter what the reason is. It's too bad it's so consumerist, because it will turn off the people whose values are aligned with the common good, and would do the greatest good using these techniques.

It was good to watch Zeitgeist after The Secret--you see the Secret and think, "Oh, wow, I can manifest [a bunch of junk I don't need and will ultimately make me less happy]!", the Zeitgeist movie puts things back on track--I do need to manifest some things, but to help create a better world for everyone, more simple, without all this greed.

-----------------------

Okay, I had only watched half of Zeitgeist. The last half is silly, blathering on for awhile about how what really improves our lives is technology. I thought they were joking at first. Didn't they mean to say family or friends or something like that? Silly silly silly.

busy week

A beautiful (but cold) week, with lots of apples. In addition to exams, I volunteered at the apple orchard with preschoolers and went to an organic apple orchard. So many fresh apples and red bell peppers...yum!

I don't know how my exams went yet. Probably not as well as they could have, but as long as I stay focused it will be fine. I'm learning a lot quickly.

February my advisor is sending me with her lab technician (who is very nice) to the PA sustainable ag conference! Next weekend I'm going to NYC and in December I'll get to go to Minneapolis for two weeks. And I don't know what I will do for my birthday or Thanksgiving. I will probably have to stay here, to save money. 

Roman and I are very uncomfortable here, outside our comfort zone. We never realized how great Minneapolis was, it has a lot of things we appreciated but assumed were elesewhere--no, they're not. Actually, that's not really true. For a long time I thought I would never move out of the area, because I loved it so much. You don't have to leave an area to know this. Maybe I am wary because I know my dad misses home so much (though I think this is also an excuse to be unhappy). But I was getting stagnate and needed to be forced to change, to have everything challenged. And I can never go back exactly, it will never be exactly the same. Still, home is home.

Maybe I will end up somewhere else, you never know. I am very open to it, in fact. 

I was biking today with a load of things--study materials, many ears of corn, and about ten pounds of tomatoes. It had rained earlier, I hit a bump in the road, and all my things went flying everywhere, in front of a bus stop, with a bus behind me.

As I picked myself up, everyone was picking up my tomatoes and corn and papers and putting them together for me. And as soon as I got up, they asked if I was okay. They were so nice! And it was like ten people, they were all waiting for the bus.

I remember once in high school, I dropped the books and papers I was holding and they went everywhere. Several people laughed at me as they walked by, and this one guy whose arm was in a cast stopped to help me pick everything up in the busy hallway. My high school was big, I don't know who that guy was. But I'm still amazed that no one cared and then an injured guy is the one that helped me.

My right side is sore. I was okay but I fell on my bike, which is a little traumatizing to the body. I wish I were more open, more able to let feelings flow. If I had just cried like a little kid when it happened, I would have let go of it already. But I couldn't, and my body still feels a little shocked.

I was very happy to see how nice people can be. I know I would have done the same, but still. It's very nice.

This has even better information about the paw-paw that grows native to the US. I have two big test next week, so I'll be busy.

Today I went to a training for a volunteer interpreter program. I will be interviewed by a professor in the language to see if I'm proficient enough to do it. I have such big gaps, and I feel rusty, but 80% of it is confidence anyway. If you speak like you know what you're saying, and don't hestitate and put "uh" everywhere, you look relatively competent. 

It is fall and really beautiful right now. I have two big tests next week, but it's fine. I'm managing.

photos

My friend took some photos of the campus; he got the camera especially in time for fall.

This weekend was busy, but I did some fun things. Sat we drove out to some Mennonite farms (sort of like Amish, but they allow more technology, depending on the order) for my veg production class. It is completely different, a much more sustainable way of living. And unlike most small farms, they are not going under. In fact, they are expanding. Three reasons:

-community support--if someone's barn goes down, they all go over and help. The same way immigrants get by on far less because twenty people will buy a house together ans share one car, 4 bedrooms, etc.

-low cost of living--everything very simple. They make most of their clothes, machinery, etc as much as possible. They can and make preserves. They just buy things like sugar and flour and salt.

-cheap labor--they average 8 children a family, who stop going to school after 8th grade. The children are smart and very involved in everything.

So they save enough to buy an entire new farm for the children (if they want) as they grow up and marry.

They do use pesticides, unfortunetely. Where they draw the line at technology seems a little strange, sometimes. I guess it's been a problem, actually, where some people use the pesticides without knowing how to properly protect themselves. Hearing about that would make me not want to use them at all. But they still spray less than most farmers, and have pretty small, diversified farms--much more sustainable.

-------------------------

Sunday I went apple-picking and paw-paw picking (the paw-paws are native, and a lot like the beloved cherimoya I had in Peru). I had sooo much fruit. I wish I could be fruitarian when it's harvest time :) But it just doesn't feel right. Still, it was most of what I had yesterday. They were all so good. 

I'm volunteering at the Cornell Orchards to show school children around--had orientation today.

---------------------------

I keep on feeling really sad, and missing home a lot. I have friends, but no one close (except for Roman). But if I were at the same job at home, I would be feeling suffocated. So I have to keep reminding myself to not make up negative stories about how I'm feeling. It's all completely in the head. I decide how to feel. And I have to continue meditation no matter what, to keep clearing things out. Right now I feel really great. Even though nothing has changed from this morning, just my head. It's so funny.

I am getting a dehydrator! Then I'll be able to preserve a bunch of veggies without tying up my freezer or risking botulism. Also, I love dried veggies because they get either chewy (like meat) or crunchy (like chips), but are much much better than either meat or chips. I had forgotten that dehydrators aren't just raw foodist devices, but also preservation devices that homesteaders love. I will have to try out some raw gourmet recipes, though. I love them in moderate amounts, especially when they're not loaded with oil. There is a raw food place here, but it's mostly smoothies and pates--I can make those at home, exactly how I want, for cheaper. So I haven't gone to it once.

One of Roman's neighbors from home is coming here this weekend and we're going out to dinner with him Sunday night. It'll be nice to see someone from home and see Ithaca from a different POV.

Rumi:

I have lived on the lip of insanity,

wanting to know reasons,

knocking on a door.

It opens.

I have been knocking from the inside!

complaining

Blah, I am so tired of all these people from small towns who can't stand cities. Seriously, most people live in cities, and if you want to know anything about people (such as one guy I know who thinks he knows how to design a utopia--but thinks Ithaca is big), you have to at least have the experience of living in a city. I had met people like this before, that were in the ag school, when I was an undergrad. They can be nice, but I don't understand them. They say "crick" and other things I thought were just jokes--stereotypes. Oh, no. They really say "tomaters" and "cullivate" for "cultivate". It makes me feel like a foreigner.

And why do they have such awful taste in music? Everything here is bluegrass. Maybe I would like bluegrass, too, if I was born in the 1800s. But now we have access to a wide variety, ranging from rock to hip-hop to classical, etc... 

I've changed my taste in foods drastically (only seven years ago I was on a cheese/potato/popcorn/chickpeas diet--really disgusting now--cheese!?), can I change my taste in music? I don't know... I've been trying for years to like seaweed, and it still makes me gag. Maybe bluegrass and country are like seaweed. I'll be out of here years before I can shift my preferences that much. It all probably has to do with the field I'm in, agriculture, more than Ithaca itself. The people who really don't like cities don't live in Ithaca at all. They live outside of Ithaca. Seriously. Ithaca, the size of a neighborhood called Dinkytown in Mpls, is much too big for them. I thought the first person who told me this was joking.

---------------------------------------------------

But then I biked home, the sun was beautiful, there were all those cute little shops, and heaps of interesting-looking people I had never ever seen before. Diversity and possibility. That made me feel better.

feeling back to ....

This morning I felt so exhilarated...meditation had been taking me to new heights. I was buzzing, vibrant with all these different ideas for things I wanted to do. But by the afternoon, it felt like it had worn off completely. I did meditate a second time in the afternoon, but this was a Zen Buddhist meditation. It was good, but I didn't feel like I could completely relax because you have to kind of follow their rules. So it didn't feel like the deep nervous system/karmic cleaning that I have been getting. So by the end of the day, I just felt run-down and wanting to eat and be lazy to relax, like I always do. Eating is a valid desire, but needing it to relax feels very dulling. It makes it hard to think about other things. If I really want to break out of old patterns, I just have to commit to my meditation practice full-force and not stop. (One thing to be said for the Zen meditation--I was very calm afterwards even though I was running late to the meeting at my own house).

I almost forgot--one reason I am so tired is that I have been so buzzed that I haven't been sleeping as much at night. It's crazy to feel like that, it's better than drugs. They say that people who are very advanced at meditation have a reduced need for sleep since they are stressing their body and mind yet. But I am not anywhere near there yet, and would like a good nine hours some night....

-----------------------------------

I hosted a book club for the sustainable ag group, and we talked about futures markets. It's incredibly confusing. How do you even have such a bizarre system with a tangible product that people need to survive? How on earth is a farmer supposed to figure it out? In addition to the complex agricultural ecosystem you have to try and keep healthy while getting good yields, and doing careful record-keeping, most farmers also have full-time jobs to make enough money to keep their land and everything. How are they supposed to add economic literacy to the mix?

----------------------------------------------

I haven't made it to the Eco-Village yet. It seems so far away because it's in the town of Ithaca but not the city. I think I'd have to take a bus there, or get a bike with gears. Fall is amazing here though. There are things to do and see, I just have to do them.

Living in a new place is very uncomfortable. Not like traveling, when you know it is just temporary. It's sad. I really miss my old roommates tonight.

strange night; school group

Last night was so weird... I was told after the fact it was a full moon (whatever that is supposed to imply--Roman says it has a yang energy to it). I went into basically a full-on ayahuasca experience, but without taking anything at all, or even meditating. I was completely awake. I realized simple things about myself and people I know, I floated around, I brushed my mother's hair. I don't know how long this sort of thing will last but I am grateful for the time being. It sounds all made up, honestly. If I were someone else, I would have a hard time believing it. But it's always good to have an open mind, or you miss out on a lot. And no one has to believe anything I say.

Hopefully I will get more sleep tonight. I felt so flush with vibrating energy, it must have been one or later by the time I finally fell asleep. I don't know how I can go from feeling like everything is so drab in the world to feeling all the energy contained in a moment. The drabness is a misperception--but getting out of that state is easier said than done.

-------------------------------------------------------------------

I am also getting involved in a good group on campus that takes a good look at sustainable agriculture. This week's reading for the book group is on futures markets. It's really good for me because I have never bothered to learn much about economics--mostly because it is ridiculous and profit-based instead of community-based. But it affects everything right now and if I am going to be a Renaissance woman, I need to become knowledgable in this area.

getting used to Ithaca

I am liking Ithaca more and more. It is like a cute little neighborhood in Saint Paul or Minneapolis. There are lots of bodies of water and green space, lots of local foods produce markets, lots of gardens and big trees. Lots of different little events--dance, yoga, chanting, talks on eco-agriculture and international situations, big speakers, workshops on things like non-violent communication. Everything is close, you can walk to so many places. I like knowing I can step out my door and walk for five or ten minutes and be somewhere--it feels homey. Not like the city or suburbs where you might have to bike for thirty minutes to get to where you want to go (though I never lived that far from most things I wanted to do--always was within walking distance of a coop)

It is also SO warm, which I love. The high was 89 today--incredible. I can't believe everyone thinks it's so cold---we are in the north and it is fall! Also, everyone has said the last few winters have been weird. The snow doesn't stay and randomly there are a few days where it would get up to 7o. So it will be warmer for sure.

Have been doing lots of sprouting--chickpeas, lentils, alfalfa, sunflower. Am trying out fennel seed. I have been keeping everything clean, and as long as fruit is in the fridge or outside, the fruit flies are kept to a minimum (even with all the sprouts). I am thinking about growing kale--I had thought it was too late to start a garden, but the season is longer here. Or I might do in pots indoors. We don't get great light but I bet we could get something. I was also given a pepper plant. 

And I have a non-food plant I was given. It was dying when I was given it. That day, at that time, we were having a conversation about plants. I was saying the plant has a degree of sentience, that while completely different from human sentience, is equally important. I defended the poor plant, that been abandoned and abused. I was joking, but only half-joking. I really felt for the plant. And even though it was nearly dead, I send my best intentions to it and now it is thriving (I even had to re-pot it). Maybe it's all a coincidence, I have no idea. But it is more useful to think that my love for the plant had a positive effect.

meditation

I had the most intense meditation session I've ever had this morning. I did ten minutes of spinal pranayama and twenty minutes meditation with a mantra, cross-legged. The pranayama was alright, I am getting slowly better at visualizing the breath going up the spine to the third eye. I went into the meditation, trying to sit in the most comfortable upright position, trying to get my crooked back to relax into a more natural posture. It did somewhat, and I had the urge to twist my back, to make it crack. But this time I waited, knowing I could relax more now and twist at the end.

Then my foot started to hurt, like it was falling asleep. In the past I have usually just moved it, figuring that if it was distracting me from my practice, it wasn't worth trying to suffer through it. Today I felt differently, like there might be something more to it than just my foot falling asleep. They say that as you progress, sitting cross-legged is not so difficult anymore. I also know it's not a flexibility issue, I can bend it just fine. So I wanted to stay with it, and see what would happen.

The discomfort quickly became painful, and the pain shot up my leg in a bizarre way. I felt an emotion underneath, a ball of sadness in my stomach. I tried to maintain my breath (versus holding it in) through the pain and let myself feel what was in my stomach so I could process it, instead of continuing to hold onto it. I had never gotten so deep before. It was always so annoying to hear that all physical pain has an emotional root, because if you're not in a place where you can get to that root, you feel frustrated, like there's nothing you can do because you can't see it no matter what what. Finally seeing a piece of that made me realize how deep people's issues go--so deep that we can't expect to always be able to go there. And I don't think you have to fully understand the root to experience it and let it go.

Anyway, the pain got very very intense, but I kept with it. My body started jerking intermittently. I felt like vomiting. The medicine from Peru is still with me, it felt like that--that I needed a psychic purge. I was moving more and more and some air came out of my mouth. I felt a slight layer lift. There was much more that could have been done, but it was so intense and the twenty minutes was up. I opened my eyes and changed my posture and it all stopped. It's good to pace yourself. Another ten minutes might have been great, but it might have been too much. I had to lay down after that, for awhile, breathing deeply, letting feeling return to my legs. I felt so relieved. It helped me so much.

Roman was sleeping lightly, on the other side of the bed and had a dream that I said to him--thank you for letting me do this. Then he saw that I hadn't actually said that, I was still meditating. But the dream was true.

This week I've started getting up earlier to meditate. I also went to the first yoga class I've gone to since I was at the Tree in May--it was exactly what I needed. It's nice to be back in some sort of a routine. As long as I stay on top of everything I have to, it can be interesting to have so much going on. 

Tomorrow I'm going to see a Spanish-language movie and then a workshop on non-violent communication. This guy talks about it pretty well, a summary. I wish I could join all the great groups on campus. There is a lot of great stuff going on that I just can't go to (unless I want to make myself crazy).

And best of all, Roman got a job with an energy efficiency company.

Veg processing plant field trip

About the vegetable processing plants I went to on Saturday (for veg production class). The whole thing was interesting, but depressing--the machinery, the monoculture is so lifeless. It doesn't seem right. I'm glad I went, though. I am always trying to figure out why conventional agriculture is the norm.

The whole operation was very impressive. Tremendous yields. They had a huge machines that picked up row after row of corn, massive amounts at once. Then they brought it to the plant, where it was flash frozen within hours, making for high-quality (as far as nutrient preservation goes) frozen product. The plant was extremely clean, despite all the corn going through machines, getting de-husked and cut off the cob, sometimes falling onto the floor. I can see the appeal, from a capitalist perspective.

As soon as we stepped into the plant, I felt uneasy. All the managers were white and everyone working inside was brown-skinned. Apparently they bring people up from Puerto Rico for the season. They live right next store in work "camps" (look like jails) and work hard for the season, saving up money. Then they go home with far more money than they would have made at home. It sounds great, but the job is so mind-numbing. You stand there with a mundane task for hours, smelling the wet corn, wearing ear plugs that can't cut out the sound of the loud, vibrating, whirling machines. Your job might be to pick little bad kernels of corn out of the huge quantity of corn coming by you. How should anyone have to do that job? It strips people of their humanity. Even if the direct alternative for them is worse--there has to be better ways to organize society. Simpler, with shared tasks.

It was also good to see the huge amounts--food is not scarce! I can see easily how food is left in the fields to rot, because no one can get to it (and they can't let people just come and take it in a for-profit system). Or how if you have more corn processed than you can send out (have bought), that you just throw it away. That is where excess food goes--it rots in the field or the garbage if you can't pay.

We also saw canned beets. Not much more to say there.

I talked to my sister. At her birthday they got into a discussion about the RNC protests--or rather, a yelling match. My mom is very sweet, so sweet that she naively thinks the police were trying to maintain the peace and the protesters were just trying to cause trouble. My sister is very smart, and realizes how she erred in letting the discussion get so heated, and asked my advice for next time. I said that if you know you can't talk about it unemotionally, it's alright to accept that and not talk about the issue. And if you can speak about it calmly, but know that the other side is too uninformed for an intelligent discussion (as was the case the other day), you can say something simple and end the discussion---for this, I would have, "I know innocent people who were harmed by the police [true!], but it wasn't reported on at all in the mainstream media--if you would like to talk about it later, you could do some more reading and then we could discuss the merits of different approaches."

I get some funny comments from people (in the horticulture department, no less!) when they hear I'm doing sustainability work. Nothing mean, just a little awkward--because many people are working on things like flowers ($$$) or turfgrass (for golf), so they feel funny when they hear about people working on deeper things (or that's what I'm guessing). 

I have too much work to do, and will the whole time I'm here. If I want to finish classes in two years, I have to work hard since I don't have a hort background. I will either get smarter/more efficient, use drugs (caffeine, Adderall) with a combo of reduced sleep (not possible, my body would break down after a few months of this at the latest), or have to drop something. There is no sense worrying about it. This is a great opportunity to sharpen my skills. I have to look at it that way, or dissolve into a pile of stress.

Classes are:

-ag machinery (where I drove a tractor)

-hort seminar (pass/fail--just sit and hear people talk about hort-related subjects)

-veg production (interesting, time consuming field trips first three saturdays)

-stats (necessary for a MS but lots of work, boring)

-soil science--an undergrad class. Hate the labs. Undergrad labs are a waste of time, but they don't offer the lecture without the lab.

I have lots of deep thoughts, especially when I am sleepy. The medicine I took is affecting me still, they say the spirit of the plant stays with you, especially the first few months after. It's hard in a sense because my thoughts often undermine what I am doing. Like creating a study design...thinking about how observing the subject affects the subject, how you can never truly randomize anything (literally, there is mathematically no such thing as random)...things like that. Truly, we should still be able to get some general, helpful trends out of the data. But these thoughts are also technically true. I have to be careful in how I let them go, direct them in a positive manner.

Scorpio OCTOBER 24 - NOVEMBER 21

You'll laugh in the face of danger this week, but in a way where it'll be obvious you're just making your fear.

random updates

Roman is starting a part-time job as a bouncer at a sports bar... not a scene either of us frequent, but different is good, and so is a paying job :)

I rode two different tractors today. Since I've been driving a truck a few times a week, what's an extra piece of machinery? Luckily I still have to bike, then hike a mile up a giant hill, and then bike some more to even get to the truck. I need to keep my biking/hiking skills in shape.

I went to a grad student meeting for our department. Free booze, pizza, and soft drinks...I left early to go make a real dinner. But I got to hear about some of politics in the department--I really don't like gossip, but it's good to know about so I can avoid it. Nothing too interesting, or troublesome, just the usual--complaining to complain.

It's been hot lately and I love it. I'm not uncomfortable at all (except for when there's AC). How can I love MN so much when it's cold for so many months out of the year? I can take the extreme cold, but not so much of it. I wonder where I'll end up.

I am already very busy, but it's not a big deal yet. I am used to working and then going home with nothing to do. So now I simply make note of everything I have to do, and do it--no procrastinating. 

I found something out today. My advisor's other student, it turns out, went to the University of Minnesota like I did. And then she worked in a non-profit exactly in the same neighborhood that I had been working in--but in the late 90s. I miss that neighborhood, even though it was poor and had lots of problems. That park, Powderhorn Park, with the lake, is why I am here. I would walk around that lake everyday and think I couldn't keep doing this, having to go back inside afterwards. I had to do something that worked for environmental health and would give me some flexibility to be outside sometimes. I remember the individual trees there, and the ducks and the geese. Minneapolis has so many lakes. If I didn't live by these gorges (a creek is just a block away!), and I didn't live by the sea, I would have to move.

It is so nice to not get yelled at by men constantly, though. Ithaca is amazing in that regard. Even in the lower-income parts (which I actually like more, more character).

The cops in Mpls/St Paul are doing a lot of horrible things right now because of the RNC-- going after innocent people without warrants, tear gassing, etc... I'm not sure what to do, but people I know are being affected.

persona

In  a new place, you have an opportunity to change how people see you, your persona. I have unintentionally started to develop one already--woman who eats lots of plant matter. Anu keeps joking about how we have to keep the field trial veggies away from me because I keep eating the wild edibles (weeds) and ate a cauliflower in front of her (it was freshly harvested, and free). And an officemate keeps saying that I'll "eat anything", because I ate raw corn in front of him. So, unintentional, but that's a reputation I have already. I don't mind at all, because if people know I like produce, they'll give me free produce when they have it :)

high-school flashback

I had written an old friend from high school when I was in Peru and she just replied. It's so crazy to think about, the high-school person she knows, and what's happened to her as well as me. She got married and moved to Georgia because her husband was transferred there for his work. And her dad just died two weeks ago. So she's in Saint Paul now...but I am not. It's also nice to catch up, since I don't plan on going to any high school reunions. High school was dreadful.

I also keep accidentally running into blogs and stories from people in the Twin Cities. In the book Wasted, she refers to what is obviously the Hard Times Cafe. Another story in a feminist anthology refers to Minneapolis, and another blog was talking about the bazillions of coops and natural food stores that are there. I don't feel depressed or regretful, but I kind of think that people who never leave the Twin Cities have a good point. You found a good place, don't mess with success. You don't need to move. On another end, you have peopleents who are always somewhat sad and want to go back to their home country, but already have an established life here. And I know some people don't like where they are from, or don't like to stay in the same place. But it's nice to have the sense of security you get from a place called home.

potluck day

I went to a vegan potluck today. Vegans are generally more interesting than raw foodists, because they tend to be interested in things besides health. Health is important but a narrow focus to have. That being said, one guy I met who went vegan for health reasons is actually TA-ing an online class at Cornell for Colin T. Campbell (author of The China Study) called "Vegan Nutrition". 

One of my co-workers sent me a new WIC magnet is Spanish, about storing your breastmilk. It's great because I love it, and who else would think to give me something like that? I was really lucky to work with them, and can't believe we still write back and forth. WIC is a really special place (even if I think the corporate subsidies do more harm than good ultimately).

One of my old co-workers is kind of like a pen-pal now, she likes to hand-write letters. She is in her late thirties and was single and kind of lonely when I started working with her. It was kind of like, "I'm 35 and still single, is this ever going to happen?" I think it was just frustrating for her, because life doesn't always work out how you plan. Anyway, she had started dating a nice guy about a year ago or so, and they moved in together before I left. I just got a letter from her saying they discussed it and they are going to get married. I'm so happy for her. Additionally, she has been working for the state WIC, trying to increase access to fruits and veggies in low-income neighborhoods, as her own pet project. It's really small and difficult but important work. I'm really surprised she has taken this on. It's so nice when people surprise you and actually care about something outside their small sphere.

random thoughts

It's so funny, being in an MS program while being skeptical of it all. There are much better ways of finding out the information you get from science, that tends to be more harmonious as well. Not to say you don't get any useful information from science. But if all this energy went to internal investigation and meditation (etc) instead of research, we'd be in a much better place and have even more valuable information. I just laugh at some of it. You do all this work, but there are so many places to make mistakes, and you might not get anything in the end. By not even considering that there are other ways of getting knowledge, you miss out on so much. It's so self-limiting.

The other problem with science is that your expectations do affect to what you get to a certain degree. Sometimes it's not enough to affect the results so the results are still meaningful. But sometimes it's just totally altered, albeit not always on purpose. The question you are asking, your framing, the inherent worldview, the limitations of what you can measure make a lot of the data worthless.

I went to my first class, and I'm going to learn to drive a tractor. It's great, it's so funny.

blah

Someone is really unhappy because he's unemployed and doesn't have any friends and is stuck here. Unless he leaves. I don't know what he expected in moving to a new place. I miss the Twin Cities a lot but am very glad to just be getting a Master's. I was talking to my mom and I realized she was the same age as me when she moved out to a small college town (for my dad, I was a baby) in OR. She was very depressed (the winters are depressing) and she said that's just normal. It took her about a year to adjust, they were out there four years. It made me feel better, that it's a normal situational response. But he is a problem.

I don't know what to do so I am reading some yoga and taoist writings, they all say the same things in different ways.


I joined NOFA-NY, the Northeast Organic Farming Association, yesterday. I love this kind of group. People that are just trying to push things forward steadily, positively. They do a lot of work to directly help small organic farmers.

This article on the history of the group Vegan Outreach is extremely interesting, even if you don't know about the group. One of the founders became a dietician, not to promote a vegan diet, but to figure out why some people don't feel as well on a vegan diet and help resolve these problems.

He starts a temporary, get-rent-paid job as a dishwasher today. I hope it goes well, he's been in limbo for so long.

The department orientation was today and there was loads of free food. There was so much that I got to be a super-picky vegan and load up on fruit and veggies over the processed options (which they also had). A nice alternative to free pizza.

That is all. Hopefully things will get more exciting.

weekend update

On Friday, we went out with some grad students with my department. We went to several bars in Collegetown and talked about the bar we'll be going after a seminar on Weds. It was so funny because these people don't know me. They don't know that I generally don't go out, never had a drinking or partying phase, and am completely acting to do any of these things. By the end of the night, I was sick of it already. But I need to go out and make friends and talk to different people and have these experiences. I feel like I'm a spy, playing the role of a grad student who likes to go out and have a good time, but secretly will report back on what they do. I missed out on the partying gene, completely. I've felt like a curmudgeon since I was child. But I'm proud of myself for acting the part well; apparently I was very believable. 

Tomorrow--hort department orientation, Weds--listen to talks by various grad students, up in Geneva, NY) and register for classes.

-----------------------------

I have tons of red bell peppers and am eating just loads of them. They're great plain and in stir-fry. I love produce and this is saving me tons of money. I spend enough as it is.

Someone told me about this book on relationships that is very interesting... hard to find a partner interested in these ideas, though. It's a way of combining spirituality with sexuality.

last full week before classes start

Friday is new grad student orientation, followed by a Horticulture dept BBQ (getting to know you-type event). I'm excited to meet people. Plus I still get paid my stipend, but am not actually "working" ;). 

On the research farm, we're harvesting cabbage and peppers, so I have lots to eat. I also got a huge bag of tomatillos from the organic breeding trials (finding varieties that work better for organic farming) and have been making tons of green salsa to eat everyday. It's funny, lots of people comment on how much produce I eat, and that they would feel sick if they ate that much (like when I ate a cauliflower head during a meeting). Probably that would have been true for me too, in the past. I'm so lucky I can enjoy all our bounty. You just have to work up to it, and then it makes you feel so great.

He is ambivalent about Ithaca. It is a bizarrely small town, and I'm not really impressed by it's "progressiveness"--I'm sure it's exceptional for a town, but it's not special compared to the neighborhoods I used to live in, or have visited in other cities. It's growing on me, though. And the natural beauty is so great..gotta go watch the sunset.

new friend

I hung out with my new friend today. He's from Chile and is really enthusiatic about everything here, choosing to focus on the positive instead of feeling homesick. We were happy to find each other as friends since we're both new here. We are on a similar wavelength. And I was happy to listen to him talk about this crush he has. It was really sweet, and made it clear that things are platonic. 

We speak in Spanish and English, mixed, since we both need to improve our skills. I showed him the library and he was blown away--there is nothing like it in South America. The concept of libraries is fantastic, and the library here is really great. I helped him get his first library card.