OK, we are leaving for Montreal tomorrow, and coming back Sunday. I don't look forward to the time in the car, but it will be a different experience.

I am noticing so many things I do. More and more things I need to improve, I guess. Does that mean I've progressed? Getting to another layer, of seemingly endless layers? The more you know, the more you know you don't know?

I have certain physical imbalances (more and more I see the connection between physical and mental, to the point that it really seems all the same to me--it just depends where you focus). My left upper back is weaker, and my "core" on that side is weaker and my whole body contorts to compensate.

Also, I cringe a lot. I squint and wrinkle my brow a lot (this is from my dad), especially when I think. Frowning and smiling have been shown to affect hormone release, and mood--so this I want to change. Relax the facial muscles and you will feel more relaxed.

When I feel attacked, I get very rigid and protective. And my tone gets sharp. I feel wounded but unconsciously sound like I'm going on the offensive. I don't judge myself for this--but it is not helpful. It is useful to observe so I can change it.

I tense my shoulders a lot. I have known this for some time (they were horrible when my parents announced their divorce five years ago, it really stressed me out). Now I can feel the muscles even more precisely.

I like to eat for stress, for low energy, for sleep deprivation, for low mood, for tension--all the same, really. It feels calming and helps me stay awake. I have such trouble existing when I don't get enough sleep. I feel so depressed when I am sleep deprived, and I never feel depressed when I get enough sleep. I can handle anything, mentally, if I get enough sleep. And I can't handle anything if I don't.

A lot of things I do seem like I have high self-control or denial, but the truth is the opposite. I almost wish I could, but I am very bad at ignoring certain demands of my body. It is so sensitive! I can't drink much because I hate drinking, so I can't do it to conform. Not because I am trying to be healthy. Though I suppose I hate it because I feel its effects on my body and mind... it would be easier if I could conform, maybe. But I can't. My friend that is staying with us never drinks at all and it makes me feel so good to not have to pretend. I can *not* drink with him, and it is totally fine with him and I feel like I am allowed to be myself. I am not going to drink to fit in, I think. Doing so feels like a betrayal to myself. I am fine drinking a bit every once in a while, but that is it.

I want to be positive... but I need to be clear but the areas in which I need improvement. I feel relieved that I can admit these things, and honestly work on them. Life is just for learning.