maybe there is something to this live diet...

Last night I was very tired and wanting to go to sleep when I started feeling a vibration going through my limbs, like a sin curve, oscillating up and down, especially through my arms. It continued for a long time and when I breathed in deep, I found I could direct it somewhat. I could have played with it more, but I was really tired and wanting to get to sleep. It seems the kundalini energy, the chi, was moving. Finally it subsided for the most part. My body jerked a little.

It was so funny because I have been doing everything "wrong" lately. I overate a lot (almost thankfully, I don't feel ready to fly away, it helped with grounding in that moment). I haven't been doing consistent yoga, pranayama, or meditation, I was tired. I didn't particularly feel in the mood for a spiritual experience.

What had I been doing right? I have been doing all live foods for the past month, and have been vegetarian for eleven years. My heart felt open. I had been doing some circular motions to help with digestion due to overeating (though those movements are also said to move chi). It just shows that you can not make anything happen, you just have to be open and energies will move when they desire.

Recipe: miso soup--raw miso, cilantro, sliced burdock root, lime juice

I have been making friends with excellent people all around the country. People who watch South Park and still take live food and blessings and ritual very seriously. I have learned a lot and hope to meet up with them again.

I am not in the mood for junk foods or drugs when I get home. Food is my health insurance and beauty routine. It doesn't need to be much else, besides nourishment. But it is a basic necessity.

boring food post

My last week--I would start feeling homesick but I will be leaving soon. I will miss this special place and would love to come back on a juice fast (I changed my mind; this would be a lovely place to fast at) or another program. There are cons, but generally it is pretty great to meet progressive people, establish new habits, and gather some spiritual clarity outside. No, they don't really talk about why humans think about this, and every other species just does. Obviously we are in our heads too much. But there are humans that just do--less and less but there will be more and more, if there are any.

The rest of this post is more for me than for other people. Please skip it, I just need to write this out so I remember.

 It has been very nice eating all of this beautiful raw food the past month. So I am organizing my thoughts on this--first, overeating is not good. But my body reacts so much better to overeating this food than to overeating food in general. So it seems that raw food digests much more cleanly, though many perceive raw food as being more difficult to digest (cooked is pre-digested). Raw food is great.

Second, I am a volume eater, I always have been. Growing up, I was picky and always hated lunch so I'd come home hungry and eat a lot then--I have a deep habit of not eating, and then eating large amounts at a time. I don't see a reason to force a change in this area (there are actually studies with two groups on an iso-caloric diet, but one group eats the same number of calories daily and the other group has twice as many calories every other day. The second group ages less quickly, reaping benefits from intermittent fasting though their calories are ultimately not restricted. Paleolithic people would sometimes have to eat like this as well). This isn't starving/bingeing, it's enjoying life sans food and then eating until very satisfied. But--this type of food doesn't work well for that. It's too rich. I can eat a lot of salad but I just don't get enough calories to be satisfied without the entrees. But too much fat has always made me feel sick. I'd much rather fill the calorie gap with high-volume foods like fruits and cooked veggies and legume sprouts (grains every so often, they don't make me feel great). That's what I will do when I get back home.

The low fruit thing here is silly (read the Rainbow Live-Food diet book for details on the phases). I haven't had my blood examined because I am not interested in what they have to say. They do have fruit here, but not enough for me. Luckily the health food store has lots of cheap organic mangos. And you can get two fruits instead of a meal (orange, green apple, or grapefruit--lower sugar and cheap). But I am a dried fruit addict and should stay away indefinitely. It gives me a sugar rush.

Last, I don't like eating foods with so many ingredients and spices more than occasionally. You can't taste the actual food when it's like that. I would rather eat each thing individually. I know I won't get anyone to go vegan, watching how I eat. But I enjoy eating one thing at a time much more than combined. Less prep time as well. So, that is what I have concluded.

intuitive reading!

I got an intuitive reading today. We talked about my lack of awareness and strong headspace/imagination. I like to retreat from reality into my headspace, if I am bored or displeased with the situation at hand. My imagination is so strong that I can stay there for a very long time. I have created a pattern so deep and widespread that I can perform so many activities, appearing to be paying attention, but not actually be paying attention at all; I do this very skillfully. And so I am in the moment less and less.

A lot of things go back to when I was six. When I was six, I started fighting with my sister (before that she was a baby). I guess that's fine because when you are born, you enter into a contract and you chose the family you do for a reason. And we have learned from each other. I also started reading chapter books, voraciously. We moved into an apartment and I rarely got to be outside anymore.

I also have a great BS detector, apparently. Which is a gift. But since I am spiritually growing, I can be compassionate and understand that people who are full of it are on their path and learning and I should respect them for who and where they are, and be ready for when they are ready to show their true selves more. Instead of turning off because I (correctly) sense they are not being authentic. 

So where does this stem from? Apparently in a past life so long ago, it was on Mars, I looked for a temple for a long time and finally found one. And when I got there, I saw they were full of it, so I was very upset. And ever since, I have been fed up with that sort of thing. Funny, eh?

So I need to practice daily coming back into the present, and choosing to be in the present. And finding practices that work for me--maybe prayer and meditation, aromatherapy, sacred dance  (physical movement, including yoga, is easy to put on auto for me, so I can still tune out).

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I went running for the first time the other day in the evening, for the first time since I got here. It was nice--such a serotonin buzz. I couldn't do it before because my back was in too much pain. The landscape is beautiful for running.

quick update

The old apprentices left and the new ones came--it's a different experience to meet people knowing I or they will leave shortly, but choosing to still enjoy people's company for the time being. 

Way too much dessert today--it will be nice to go home and have simple foods again, but I am enjoying the bounty while I am here. I'm only here now... chocolate and orange-flavored cheesecake and more chocolate.

No spiritual insights--too hard to get into when my guts are full of food. It's an interesting metaphor :) Tomorrow will be great.

Trip to Temple of Presence

We went to the Temple of Presence last night in Tucson, which is just a large series of strip malls (though the desert is at sea level, so beautiful and different than the mountainous area of Patagonia). I thought it sounded cool, they have Ascended Masters and Torchbearers and decrees and other neat-sounding stuff. Two people from the Tree had gone before and loved it. I was ready to be open-minded and learn what I could from them.

When we got there, we had to punch a secret code to be let in the driveway. Inside the building, we went to the class. The room looked like the QVC set (the shopping channel), except with weird church-y alters. Bright white light shining on the cheap-looking alter and a nice middle-aged lady with make-up (who could be a QVC lady). There were books underneath the chairs in front of us, like Catholic Church. The five of us coming doubled the number of people in the room.

The lesson was on the violet flame, which is a flame of protection you can visualize in many situations (pretty much for whatever you want, as much as you want) that is found in many teachings/lineages. I basically just stated all you need to know about the violet flame, but I had to listen to a lot of bologna to get this information. 

My intuition did not like it at all; it was boring and I was creeped out. Since I was bored, my overactive imagination took off and I started thinking things like, "I shouldn't drink the water, maybe it has brainwashing drugs in it" and "What if they don't let us go? What if they try to eat us?" I used to think things like that all the time when I was a child, especially on the special occasions when we had to go to Catholic Church for baptisms and weddings. They really didn't resonate with me and I would start to get kind of paranoid.

What can I remember about specifics--The Ascended Masters and all that were not nearly as cool as they sounded, they were kind of boring and creepy. They are reincarnated people like Francis Bacon and certain kings and maybe Christopher Columbus (I hope I misunderstood the last point; Columbus was a horrible person). The decrees were chants, and not fun chants like in kirtan. This was more like the creepy kind chanting, though you are supposed to put your heart into it. Torchbearers get to go to special meetings and you have to pay. If you can't pay, Saint Germaine will still appreciate you, but you can't go to the special meetings. You have three selves, the earth self, the Christ-self (really doesn't resonate with me), and the I AM PRESENCE. There are electrons, but not the scientific ones, they are different (why do they use that word then?). Some Ascended Master said members of the church get 30,000 angels at their disposal. Basically they have bizarre literal teachings which incorporate some universal truths.

The people with me loved it. And they kept asking questions, so we didn't get home until late. I am tired of it, no Shabbat ceremony for me tonight, I need to do my own thing. I don't get why they liked it. I thought about embracing it, but my intuition really screamed at me not to. I never ignore it when it screams, it is never wrong in those cases. I think they are nice people with a weird cult-y teaching and I must never go back. 

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One thing I liked is that we stopped by a chain grocery on the way back and we were looking at the magazines in the check-out line--very bizarre and amusing after being at the Tree for so long. And one companion pointed to a bunch of magazines and said, 'I like these!' He was pointing to a magazine with fruit, and a bunch with smiling people on the front ("Jennifer Aniston in love!" or whatever). It was so cool how he looked beyond the bizarre headlines and just saw the nice part.

And then we bought our bananas and avocado and went home. Where I had rich chocolate pie someone made, with cacao, cacao butter, coconut butter, goji, fresh blueberries, and lots of agave. Perfect comfort food for grounding after such a weird experience.

unconscious brain training

There is someone testing a neuro-biofeedback machine thing on apprentices, in the future it will be a service offered at the Tree. And I got to try it today! Basically you lay on a waterbed while your brainwaves get measured, and listen to music. The music has tracks and it "skips" sometimes. It trains your brains to gradually not mind the skips and be more peaceful overall. He likened it to training, or yoga, the more you do it, the better you get. In this case, you learn to not let the skips bother you (without consciously trying) and then life's interruptions won't bother you as much. I fell into a light sleep, kind of lucid dreaming. I ignored the music, didn't even hear it. And I also (without trying) replaced the song with another song. Cat Steven's "Wild World". 

It was nice, it would be nice to do it more. It really reminded me of when the wind was blowing so hard yesterday and I would my best not to be disturbed by it. Or growing up with three younger siblings around and being calm in the midst of it. He said most people at the Tree are pretty calm, so no one's brain waves get too crazy. But of course we all can benefit from it.

kirtan at temple

I went to kirtan tonight, at temple. Wednesday is the day of love and one of the people leading it said that in the culture of death, eros, the erotic is separated from the heart. But in the culture of life, they are joined. I liked that connection, it relates to the book I am reading.

When I settle in Ithaca, I am going to seek out a good kirtan group, or maybe the Sufis. They have some beautiful chants and melodies, and I find it much easier to transcend my mind chatter through kirtan than through sitting meditation.

positive energy...

I was hanging out with this one guy who seems very energetically sensitive; sometimes he gets ungrounded and it's good to be patient with him because his intentions are so good. I told him someone was sick and he decided to do a prayer for her and send her light so she would feel better, and he asked what we should bring her so she should feel better. He was also laughing some of the time he was making his requests, like a child.

I joined in with the prayer and it was so nice to not be cynical, and just have fun like a child and smile and go with it. He is sincere, making him very positive to be around. He and some others and I are going to some church tomorrow for some violet light ceremony. I really want to go; it is in Tucson so it will be fun and different.

third colonic

Sorry the story-telling on here gets sporadic. I always think I should write about something, and then am not sure if I've done it or not.

The days are nice. Start early, garden or go to sprouthouse or have day off. Break for all three meals. In free time, sit around and read (I have been borrowing a lot of books), go to town, sauna, women's sundeck, stone labryinth, hot tub, talk to people, go to temple. I have loads of alone time and still get to interact with people throughout the day. I like the all-raw-ness. I don't know what the point of cooking is at this point, besides that it is convenient because it is there sometimes, at home. And that can be reason enough, but gastronomically, there is no reason. The chefs here can make anything taste fabulous to the standard eater. (Though personally I miss my plain veggies).

I ended my liquid fast today, after my colonic. I was really impressed. After five days (six 24-hr periods, really) of only water, wheatgrass, green juice, herbal tea, stevia lemonade and limited fruit juice (occasionally there are small amounts in the cafe, not very sweet), I had gotten all the calories and nutrients, but none of the fiber. Yet a ton of matter still came out, mostly bizarre compacted pieces. A few were black, which tends to be meat. I haven't had meat in eleven years! Accidental lard or chicken broth, maybe, but not meat. So I went from skeptic to convert. Maybe the body would eventually get rid of this on its own, but some help sure doesn't hurt. Now I believe what she said, that people juice fasting for 21 days would still have a lot of junk come out.

It also made me think about my past behavior a lot. Meat will stay in your system and make you sick in your heart and gut (heart disease, colon cancer)--that's karma right there. As a high school sophomore, I would have french fries everyday for lunch. Sometimes Airheads or other candy, if I had the money. I am so disgusted by how I mistreated my poor body--but I also have compassion for that person. She did not know how to experience her body. The only thing I did right was trust my intuition when it screamed, which I suppose was enough to keep me going through those years. And now I'm finally cleaning house.

There is a new doctor here, a classically trained MD. I asked him what he thought of certain things. He pointed out for the colonics, that even if not a lot of junk comes out, cleaning the colon will get the lymph to move, which will clean out the liver. That was nice to hear, that the effects are greater than the actual removal of matter itself.

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I finished "Eat, Pray, Love". It was a fun, easy read. Next I have "The Art of Loving" by Erich Fromm, which looks fantastic. He is a psychoanalyst that actually cares about important issues. He has some interesting discussion about discipline. Rigid and authoritarian discipline has made many people suspicious of this concept, understandably so, yet we miss out on so much if we are unable to discipline ourselves:

"It is essential... that discipline should not be practiced like a rule imposed on oneself from the outside, but that it becomes an expression of one's own will; that it is felt as pleasant, and that one slowly accustoms oneself to a kind of behavior which one would eventually miss, if one stopped practicing it. It is one of the unfortunate aspects of our Western concept of discipline (as of every virtue) that its practice is supposed to be somewhat painful and only if it is painful can it be "good". The East has recognized long ago that that which is good for [wo]man--for his body and for his soul-- must also be agreeable, even though at the beginning some resistances must be overcome."

Also--"Paradoxically, the ability to be alone is the condition for the ability to love."

I need to meditate more, practice being without distraction or thoughts. No books or music or other people. And this book is making me think I want to do this, as well.

One other thing--I saw Gabriel Cousen's house. It's just a small, modest white house, looking like any other around here, down the street from the Tree. It's very nice to know he doesn't have a Bikram-sized ego (he is the founder of Bikram yoga, and has a huge ego, flaunts all his money, and tries to copyright yoga poses). I found out what happens to money here--apprenticeships break even (the food is very high quality, and expensive) and guests' money is put back into the Tree. They recently redid the spa area and will be setting up a juice bar community members can visit, with solar paneling that can provide for the town when there are short blackouts. So it is ridiculously expensive, but at least it goes to the community. I would love to come back with my lover for the Intimate Relationships workshop.

moon sign and fast update

Someone was surprised I knew my sun sign--Scorpio, cusp neat Sagittarius, but not my moon sign, so I had to investigate. My moon sign is Gemini--my boyfriend's sign. Ooh, exciting! The sun sign is what you show to others and the moon sign is more internal--or so it was summarized to me. I don't really believe in any of it, but maybe it's true, and others get a kick out of it, so why not.

I didn't feel like continuing my juice "fast", just because I like to eat (bizarrely, I physically feel completely the same, maybe because I am still getting plenty of nutrients). But I have a last colonic tomorrow at 3pm. A big part of me still wonders if the colonic is really needed, if it really gets out old matter, or if it is just a big scam. So this may not determine anything, but I will see if we are still able to get a lot of matter out, given that I won't have eaten solids since last Weds afternoon. That's what's keeping me to the fast at this point. I will break it afterwards with fruit.

I don't think continuing this fast will help my neck and shoulder--perhaps an extended water fast would, but I don't have the time or motivation to rest like that right now, so I will have to take a multi-faceted approach with that. I still feel like I detoxed a lot during this and it's been excellent. But right now I feel the same as always.

fasting update

Two recipes I want to try when I get home:

--tempeh-- sun-dried tomatoes, sesame seeds, flax, miso, salt, herbs

--rice--cauliflower, parsely, turmeric, salt

So I ended up water fasting one day, the day I got my colonic (I fasted for the colonic and felt such a good release I just stayed with it) and this is day 2 of green juice/stevia lemonade fasting. I would have kept on with the water, but I have to move around a lot--walking up to the cafe, to down, working in the garden. I am feeling really good and I am hoping it will make my upper back pain decrease (I strained it recently and it is very hard for me to sleep comfortably). When you are fasting (even with the very low kcal green juice hopefully), your body has to break down tissues to keep you going, and since the body is very intelligent, it starts with the most damaged tissue. But the body has its own priority levels. I might want one thing to go away, like a scar, but my body won't work on that until much more important tissues are broken down first. Then when you start to eat, you can rebuild, so it is very important to eat very well, or you will undo everything. I hope my painful back is a high enough priority, but who knows. (For anyone who doesn't know--Starvation would start at the point where you are breaking down vital tissue). I will stop when I feel too weak to do the work I need to do, or if I feel enough has been accomplished and I want to eat. I feel better than I have in a while right now--more awake, calmer, content. Back pain is about the same though, I'll give it some time.

My roommate was going to juice fast as well. She has some digestive problems and could use a break. She ended up with some food poisoning-type bug last night and has been on just water all day, so by coincidence she is starting her fast the way I did. I'm sure by tonight or tomorrow she will start juice.

truth and lies: I am truth

From "The Voice of Knowledge" by don Miguel Ruiz (he also wrote "The Four Agreements"):

"'Miguel, all of the drama you suffer in your personal life is the result of believing in lies, mainly about yourself. And the first lie you believe is you are not: You are not the way you should be, you are not good enough, you are not perfect. We are born perfect, we grow up perfect, and we will die perfect, because only perfection exists. But the big lie is that you are not perfect, that nobody is perfect. So you start to search for an image of perfection that you can never become. You will never reach perfection in that way because that image is false. It's a lie, but you invest your faith in that lie, and then you build a whole structure of lies to support it.'"

The book talks about lies and truth, blind faith and awareness.

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I had a massage yesterday (not free, I pay like anyone else) since I have been having some shoulder/neck/upper back pain on the right. She told me to repeat a mantra as she worked on me--"I AM--" filled in with whatever I want. It is very empowering, it was great. It reminds me of Cafe Gratitude in San Francisco, where I have never been, but my roommate has the cookbook. The names of the dishes are things like: "I am grateful", "I am dazzling", "I am alive",  "I am giving". It sounds funny, but it is more powerful than many other mantras or affirmations. Simple and to the point. I like that if you are frustrated with yourself, you can tell yourself something else, believe it, and then be it. 

It reminded me of the book--"You are perfect."

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Tomorrow I work in the garden. Early day, we start at 6 so we get a longer mid-day break (from the sun).

cleansing

Apprentices and other staff are not supposed to do any heavy detox or fasting--but of course everyone is detoxing big time, at least when they first come. In addition to a 100% raw diet, we are in clean, fresh air, get lots of sunshine, and are in an emotionally supportive environment: meditation, yoga, spiritual dance, people who understand and relate, and more. We are in our own little world, our own cocoon.

One interesting thing is that, despite all the oily, nut-heavy dishes they serve, everything is much improved--skin cleared up, allergies improving, digestion improving, no unpleasant body odors, etc. Everything that happens when I eat well. And I haven't gained weight (I haven't lost any winter weight either--and you could easily gain on this type of food--but I would have expected to gain how I've been eating). 

I have really needed this. I had been overeating dried fruit and air-popped popcorn before I came. Lots of green juices, as well, but it wasn't enough to off-set the junk. Plus all that vegan gourmet junk I ate the weekend I was in NYC. So my skin broke out, my period was more difficult, I felt more sluggish, digestion bad, etc. All that is gone now, or minimized. I have been needing lots of sleep, which seems like a healthy part of recuperating. 

Do I feel different eating all raw, compared to just healthy (with lots of raw)? I really don't know. I never purposefully ate all raw, thinking that way makes me anxious, and I don't really care. Maybe I've eaten all raw for a week without trying, but it was never anything I kept track of. As long as the cooked food is wholesome food like lentils or steamed kale and I don't overeat, I don't get problems, and those foods are also good for grounding (while with raw you have to go for heavier foods for grounding effects). But undoubtedly, nothing makes me feel better than fresh greens. They are magic.

I am actually used to the food by now. What I mean is, I don't feel compelled to eat everything, like I did the first week. The fact is, there is tons of unique, delicious food all the time. So much that I can't try it all and I don't pretend I can anymore. I might miss some things, but there will be other good foods. I also miss my old meals of simple, cut-up veggies. So, realizing that I don't have to eat it all, I actually green juice fasted last Saturday and water fasted for my colonic today. I felt so good afterwards (the colonic went very well) that I wanted to enjoy the space and ended up not eating all day. I feel very serene. And it was even a chef's day, this woman created all this unique Indian food. It smelled exactly like authentic Indian food and everything was ooing and aahing over how excellent it was. I thought about trying it, but enjoyed how I was feeling. Just like cooked Indian food, while spiced very well, it had way too much oil (oil is just refined fat! like sugar and flour are refined carbohydrates! I prefer nuts/seeds) and looked very heavy. Yes, it was my one chance at delicious raw Indian food. But there will always be more delicious food available. The idea of scarcity is a myth right now. I need to practice non-attachment.

So, despite the detox, I feel great. It is great to feel junk clearing from your system. When I have intense feelings (physical or mental), I just go with it, and let it flow. I suspect that replacing raw nut burgers with steamed kale and chickpeas would allow the same cleanse (and probably digest more easily). But I'm impressed, the raw nut burgers are noticeably healthier than any cooked version, even if large amounts are still not ideal.

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I also started to read "The Raw Life" by Paul Nison and don't recommend it. He relates changing your diet to a boxing match--you must defeat "Meat Man" and "Dairy Man" and other men. Not the right attitude, in my opinion. I am not interested in Meat Man and don't need to fight him.

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The lady who did my colonic talked today about the importance of being sure of who you are with before you have children. Make sure you really, really like them. And that you like their parents. Because they may turn into their parents after having kids, and you may turn into yours. Interesting. She has two young girls and is apart from their dad, and it's a lot of work. She is a kind lady and the colonics are positive experiences. 

kitchen duty, some books, and ecological collapse

Last night I worked in the kitchen, making nut milk and chopping veggies and cleaning. It was fun, even if I'm not normally willing to do that level of work. I was thinking it would be fun to get a dehydrator to make things for other people, like breads and cookies and burgers (mock meat type things). Some of these things are actually pretty easy to make, you just have to sprout the grain first, then run it through a juicer with a homogenizing function, which I have. The crew I was with was also fun, this guy was singing Beetles songs Metallica-style, I loved it. I thought it would be tiring to be around food so much, but I wasn't in the mood for food at all and it wasn't a big deal, I just worked without trying anything. 

I read two books yesterday--one was "Raw Family" by the Boutenkos. Really interesting, they had all these health problems (including type 1 diabetes) and went raw overnight and it fixed their problems pretty quickly, after the detox. I think they are honest. I always wonder when people do something so extreme overnight, but here you could see that they were very desperate (and hadn't really wanted to make the change--they *had* to try). However, they advocate others going raw like they did (so suddenly), and I think it's because the cooked food they ate was so disgusting. Sausages and other omnivorous Russian things. Not lentil and spinach stew, or steamed kale with roasted cashews. No wonder they got sick every time they tried cooked food.

The other book I read started out being incredibly good--"Balance point: the search for a spiritual missing link" by Joseph Jenkins. I had wanted to buy it for a bunch of people I knew. It is basically a true story novelized--a man is left an inheritance by a dead aunt, who sends him on what he skeptically considers a wild goose chase. She was working to basically prevent ecocide. The end was such a let-down, after getting in deep to our ecological problems. Basically it suggests saving the world with green consumerism--recycle, compost, etc--what I consider child-level environmentalism. It still might to be good for people who are very ignorant. The main character is very skeptical, so many people will be able to relate to him (I was very annoyed).

So, interesting parts--they talked about how ecological destruction is exponential, which makes it difficult to see. For example, humans have been growing exponentially for a while, but just recently have we been able to see how fast it is going. It is just too difficult to grasp. But realizing this helps us see that ecological destruction isn't linear, so will happen much more quickly than we expect (in the book we have until about 2040, who knows). Also that the earth is heating up in the same way *we* heat up when we have a fever--purposefully, to kill the pathogen. It doesn't say we have to be pathogens, but that we are acting that way.

They also go to Peru (interestingly--since I am going there for a month). They meet up with Eduardo, a shaman:

"Humanity is worshiping itself when it believes that a human created everything, when it believes in a human God. We are like the microbes believing in their microbe God [an analogy he used earlier]. True spiritual development occurs when we realize that we are a part of something greater than us, and we strive to understand the true nature of that greater Being. As long as we cling to the myth of the Great Human, as long as we believe that the larger level of Being is just another level of human-ness, we convince ourselves that there is nothing greater than us. Then we spiritually stagnate. We cannot co-evolve without cooperating with the rest of Life. The Great Human myth makes us believe we are superior to the rest of Life. The Great Human myth makes us believe we are superior to the rest of Life, that we don't have to cooperate. However, we are not superior, and we must cooperate with the Earth mother if we are to survive."

Another character-"Religion, on the other hand, is often based on a relationship between oneself and an imaginary creator deity that people call God. Eduardo's saying that since a human creator isn't nay more realistic than a microbe one, any relationship we have to such a deity is only imaginary. If I understand him correctly, a true spiritual relationship can only exist between yourself and something that actually exists. You can't have a realistic relationship with an imaginary being. He says the Earth mother is a greater being that actually exists, and by extension, so is the Great Mystery, which is the totality of a universe as we know it today...No, I wouldn't say that [he's an atheist]. He believes in a supreme being, but it's a natural one rather than a human one. A real one rather than a imaginary one. To him, 'God' is the totality of existance, not just another human male. And by maintaining a reverence for that greater Being in his life, he tries to live in harmony with the natural world around him. That's why he says we're spiritually lost. We don't have reverence for the natural world. Instead, we worship dead humans and , in the meantime, ignore our destructive effects on the planet. It does seem really silly when you think about it."

I was talking to someone here about the book and ecological collapse and he made a point I hadn't thought of in regards to fasting. Basically, every time you fast, you lower your metabolism, which I knew is excellent for aging more slowly. But he pointed out that it would also help someone survive a collapse. And if you had a manual juicer, you could juice wild greens (also, any true grass is juice-able) and survive for months that way. The more you had fasted beforehand, the longer you would be able to keep doing that. I appreciate that aspect--versus the typical mentality found in pop culture of eating 5-6 times a day to raise your metabolism for weight loss. Not healthy. Caloric restriction is healthiest, uses the least resources, and might be a necessity someday.

I was remembering how I was almost vested in my retirement account. I don't really know what that means, they would have doubled the amount in there and I could have kept more (maybe?). If I had stayed just a few more weeks, I would have reached three years exactly and gotten vested, which is what my mom wanted me to do. And instead of having this wonderful experience, I would have a more solid chunk of something that probably won't exist when it's time to claim it! What a horrible, greed-based decision that would have been. I'm so glad I came here instead.

more personal updates

Yesterday I got a colonic. I am not sure if they are needed but decided to commit to a series and really do it with an open mind, and if it doesn't work, fine, repopulate my colon with some probiotics. The lady was much better than the one I had had before, and listened to what I was saying (if there was too much pressure). It went really well and afterwards I felt like things were draining from the top into my colon (now that there was pressure released and volume reduced). She told me to take digestive enzymes. I think most likely they don't do anything, but since I am committing, I will take them and see how it goes. I have another one Thursday. She said it was like Tuesday we soaked the dishes and Thursday we'll rinse them off and should be able to get more out. I might as well while I am here.

Another thing I am doing is stopping shampoo for the month, to see how that goes (since no one cares how my hair looks here--also it is so dry I don't feel gross like I would at home). It seems that you *do* reduce oil production, but naturally we are supposed to have more oil than you do when you wash so frequently. I have actually put oil on my ends, too, since they are so fried (from what, I don't know--overshampooing I guess). Some people use conditioner or baking soda. My hair is darker than I'm used to with the oil, but I really want it to work. Avoid dry hair problems, save tons of money and time not buying and using shampoo. And best of all, my hair de-tangles so much more easily. This could make my routine so much simpler. When I get home I will see what people think. I want to look normal, be able to "pass" as someone who wastes their time with all the normal shallow/consumeristic things, because that is very useful. I think if people aren't comparing it to how my hair was (which probably only I will do), it will look normal and healthy enough.

It is really nice how many people will do an hour of meditation or yoga on their own, very inspiring. I am not quite that committed yet, but probably moving in that direction. It can be nice.

My roommate's boyfriend broke up with her, so we did a girls' night with dancing, facials, and self-foot massages, and she was happy. It was nice and everything smelled great. I am a little skeptical of facial products. Apparently they have really helped her. And I love the self-pampering thing, I think the intention and time there is very important. But the quality of my skin seems dependent on my diet above all else. I have never consistently washed my face (except the last week before I left for AZ, when I was trying to use up everything I had) because I never notice a difference when I do. It is all diet and sleep and overall health. 

Moisturizing can maybe keep a face looking young... but isn't that really just a shallow attachment to youth? Is it something that really matters? Isn't my face for using and living? And if I have smile lines and wrinkles when I'm older, shouldn't I be grateful for that, that I've had the chance to be happy and smile and live? I have never found anyone to truly agree with me on these points--not completely. I feel like everyone thinks how you look is really important, in one way or another. Here less than other places, but still... I remember writing an essay at the beginning of ninth grade about how everyone says looks aren't important, but no one goes by that. It still seems to be true and it's hard because I have limited energy to care about those things. Anyway, I still think these self-care things can be nice and important, it just depends on your intention. Have positive intentions!

from today's Mexican themed day

TAMALES

-tamale-zucchini, flax, irish moss, cilantro, lemon juice, salt, seasoning (ACV, cumin, coriander, turmeric, chipotle)

-filling-walnut, cumin, coriander, miso, cayenne

-mole-sun-dried tomatoes, aji chile, avocado, cacao, olive oil, cumin, lime juice, stevia, sea salt

FLATUAS W/ REFRIED BEANS

-tortillas-spinach, sorrel, flax seed, irish moss

-beans-sun-dried tomatoes, miso, chipotle, cilantro, cumin, coriander, olive oil, lemon juice, salt

There were also lime juice "margaritas" with probiotics and a bunch of other fun stuff.

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More from "Alive with Gabriel":

Q: A woman asked a question about dealing with other sorts of people--neighbors who clear-cut, and invite you over for a BBQ and beer. How do you deal with that sort of thing, when your values are at odds?

A: It is possible to co-exist with people in the culture of death if you can separate yourself from the darkness.

Story--Adam and Eve ate from the Tree of Good and Evil (duality) and merged light with darkness; problems began. They should have eaten from the Tree of Life *first* and then they would have been able to deal with the Tree of Good and Evil. They would have had the consciousness of the eternal and been able to eat from the other tree without problems. The point is--if you are in the positive consciousness and reality, then you can go wherever w/out being drawn into the darkness.

But be honest and live with integrity--say, look, I'm vegan, I don't really eat that, but I'd love to bring over a salad and enjoy the BBQ with you, have a potluck-type thing. (So don't pretend to be other than what you are, you can do this without causing conflict).

Jesus wasn't affected by negative things, he could go among prostitution and everything and it didn't matter because he was walking in the light. People with tendencies w/in themselves have to be more careful or they might be dragged in, of course. But it is an internal thing.

Follow-up Q: The lady asked what to do if they are making fun of you, and not really open to your ideas, and talking about how much they love their meat and clear-cutting.

A: Well, if they are not open to the culture of life, it won't work. They want to bring you into the culture of death as much as you want to bring them to the culture of life. Not much you can do, have to back off in that case.

quick check-in

 was tired today---need to get some sleep and up my serotonin :) Felt slightly homesick a few times but it's not a big deal. I have no home anyway, the only key I have anymore is a bike lock key.

Some more notes from Alive with Gabriel:

---recommends a breakfast with that weird mixture mentioned before, biggest meal at lunch (10-2), and a small dinner (juice, soup, etc), then fast til morning and you'll be hungry for breakfast.

---don't need high-tech, like blending. It oxidizes and electromagnetically scrambles it. We can move away from technology. It's also a subtle form of gluttony since you can eat more

---he's not against fruit for healthy people and has some himself every morning

---exercise, breath, chew to up serotonin--the basics are best

---recommends periodic fasting, 1 wk 2x/yr (I'm not sure what he means for this--the fasts are conducted here are green juice fasts, with no fruit in the juice, 3x/day. Maybe he considers this fasting since it's below the 10og of CHO [40 kcal] needed to stop ketosis from happening. He does green juice instead of water because most people don't have sufficient nutrient reserves, in his opinion. So maybe he means water or green juice fast for this).

---chewing ups serotonin. Chewing gum as well [explains my chewing gum behavior--I use gum with xylitol].

---during a fast you lose 5 times as much weight as you do when you eat less. Fasting is a special state, when you eat less your body thinks your starving and goes into conservation mode. That's why people don't lose huge amts of waste when they go on juice feasts, liquid diets. (Of course you may get a good cleansing still). SO, skipping breakfast puts you into conservation mode and breakfast is recommended.

I also read the book "Raw Spirit" by Matt Monarch--he is very enthusiastic but seems a little obsessed with his diet and purity, it was kind of a turn-off. He is big into juice and colonics. He went from 100% SAD to 100% raw overnight. That takes a certain personality, to be so into extremes. When he heard about meditating, he would be up all night trying to meditate. Not really sure what the point of that was... anyway, I am feeling very bloated and stuffed (maybe detox, plus too many fatty foods here getting stuck) so I am having a colonic tomorrow and we'll see how it goes. Worst case, I wasted some money (it's not very risky and I can take probiotics afterwards to reestablish microorganisms).

notes from "Alive with Gabriel" monthly teleconference

My notes in brackets. Also I tend to abbreviate like I did in advanced nutrition courses.

Topic---women and serotonin (for Mother's Day! next month- Father's Day--will be about low androgen in men)

Low serotonin is a major problem for women. Men make serotonin faster and store twice as much, so women are affected more. Most woman are serotonin deficient in this culture.

Serotonin--proper amts lead to feelings of peace, love, good, happy, relaxed, self-nurturing, take care of self, don't need to rely on external sources.

Low serotonin--2 systems affected: limbic system (emotional) and singlet nucleus (getting stuck with fixed expectations, a learning disorder where you are stuck on what 'should' be; this disorder leads to resentment).

So--resentment, talk too much (in an effort to connect), can't go with the flow. Unlove, trying too hard, *depression* (extremely big issue! very common)

B/c of this, more women than men are on anti-depressant meds. In the long run you become more deficient on these and they are not much more effective than placebos. Fun fact--trp as a supplement was attacked in 1987, same year Prozac went on the market--NOT a coincidence. trp increases serotonin slightly (natural methods are better than just taking trp, but it is something deliberately attacked to remove competition).

Also occurs during menopause--sleep disorders, temp reg problems (hot flashes), overeating esp CHO (carbs)--they temporarily increase serotonin.

These emotional problems are *real*, not just in the head.

When blood sugar gets too low (problem involving poor diet), serotonin drops.

*Tryptophan (trp) is a precursor to serotonin

Positive social interaction ups production of serotonin, so when it's low, there is a tendency to go into overcaring ("Women who love too much", allow yourself to feel resentful or even get abused). Ovulation naturally decreases serotonin, so you go outwards for more affection, get more romantic, and possibly pregnant.

How to increase serotonin?

-be self-nuturing

-healthy relationships and positive reenforcement (but don't depend on this)

-enough sleep--10pm-2am there is greater serotonin production

-diet-a good breakfast. For adequate trp absorption need some protein (for building blocks, trp is an amino acid). Also a*little* sweet, some CHO, but not much to slightly increase it. They use raw pomegranate concentrate, which has other health benefits

-exercise-trp doesn't go into the muscles easily so it is free to go to the brain

-omega-3s ups oxytocin (the love hormone)

-serving/volunteer/charity--also ups oxytocin and endorphins. Not writing a check, though

More on breakfast [I am not going to do this, too expensive, unnecessarily so--but is interesting]--phase 1.5, modify for own needs:

-this cleans the lymph. If lymph isn't clean, liver has to take over and is too busy to put out neurotransmitters and control pro metabolism properly.

--also raises trp input

--Mix (can put in tea) minerals (like Polarmins, water from South Pole) 1 tsp, aloe vera 1 oz, 1-2 tbs been pollen, iosol (iodine broken in half), a little pomegranate concentrate .5 tsp [why not just fresh fruit; is cheaper!], ground flax (or chia), 1 tbs coconut (I think oil)

-fast oxidizers can add spirulina, chlorella, hemp, etc

Highest trp food is parsley!, yucca also good and some other veg foods

Dramatically will increase sense of well-being.

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There was more on this and other topics that was interesting, but I have to get sleep and increase serotonin production :) 

more random ideas

The following quote was discussed at Shabbat opening ceremony last night (I didn't go to the closing)--"Love your neighbor as you love yourself". We always make all sorts of excuses for ourselves, but are quick to judge others. Perhaps we should extend the same consideration for others, acknowledging that when someone bothers us, it is striking down a weak point within ourselves. It is more about us than them, because if we are perfectly centered, such things shouldn't bother us. That doesn't mean we should be co-dependent (allowing others' negative actions to continue)--that would be foolish, and *acting* versus observing. Just watch and be conscious. See that the person is in place X on their path and be non-judgmental.

That made me think of a good exercise--when we don't like someone, ask ourselves what it is in them that we might also have, thus striking a chord and giving us a negative view of the person (because it is in ourselves)? It is good to do whenever I am judging someone else, then I can learn from the experience of feeling that negativity.

Apparently Gabriel is Jewish, he was born Jewish. He studied in Indian, and native American traditions. Finally he decided to go back to his roots and incorporated Jewish tradition into his spiritual practice. (I am not really sure how the Essene priesthood fits in with this--it is different from converting to Judaism). If you look at the six foundations, you will see that he promotes whatever spiritual practice works for you, but not anything in particular. He has his reasons for doing what he does, but no one else has to do them (even though there are many spiritual things going on at TOL). 

I went to a gemstone therapy talk and was impressed by the information. But I am concerned with the mining and production (how could it possibly be ethical? I find that difficult to believe; mining is always destructive) and the cost is prohibitive. They do have to be produced a certain way to work, which makes sense--just like anything else. Pure foods are made into junk all the time, same with stones. It was very interesting though, the energetics of it. I would wear one if I encountered one.

take 2

Trying to remember some things, see if it works this time.

--http://www.treeoflife.nu/6foundations gives an idea of the kind of spirituality practiced here.

--I was told I look very vata (one of the 3 ayurvedic doshas). I hadn't thought so, since I don't tend towards underweight, but it was the second time I had been told that. I bet my secondary dosha is kapha.

-A woman gave me the scoop on some other places that use live foods for health:

Optimal Health Institute in TX--great for weight loss. Simple and sparse, small amounts of food. Classes.

Hippocrates in FL--great for people with disease, like cancer. Lots of blood tests and other analyses, so more expensive. Boring food--salad bar, but plentiful.

Tree of Life--detoxification and learning a healthy lifestyle. Best food of anywhere. Great for young active people. Great landscape. Easy to gain weight ;) Need discipline to listen to the body with all the food.

All are great, just depends what you want.

--They close the toilet seat lids for feng shui.

--They don't use garlic or onion, not sattvic (harmonious, peaceful) enough. They do use hing, which is similar but less strong. They also label foods according to the Rainbow Live-Food Diet book--phase 1, 1.5 or 2. Not many people are on phase 1 (which has less sweet foods as one principle, and is supposed to be very cleansing) and there is no pressure to follow the diet.

Okay, can't remember what else I had written. Good for now.

random thoughts

I just had written a really long thing and saved it and it still went away.

shabbat

Shabbat today started around sunset and ends tomorrow at sunset. We mark the occasion, which allows for a greater connection with the feminine divine (creation) with a ceremony. It was long. We took raw bread and grape juice, did a few group dances with singing, and had a hand washing ceremony to cleanse our karma from the past week. We also invoked the names of four angels, which is not something you are normally supposed to do (but for this it's okay--a non-trivial ritual). People had lots of questions about angels afterwards. He said spirituality doesn't have to be complicated, it's simple. But angels are real, they don't have wings, but they always walk forwards, towards God. So they don't have compassion towards humans on their path, it's not in their nature. They also walk stiff-legged--only forwards. I guess I don't care about angels at this point. They sound scary, like ghosts or something. But no problem, then they won't show themselves to me if they do exist, because I am not in a place for it. But they are supposedly messengers from God. Why not.

"Personality is a case of mistaken identity"--something Gabriel said today. Another interesting thing is that he refers to himself in the third person, because he is a vessel for something higher. It also allows him to disassociate from his ego. You'd think it would be annoying but I like it. There is truth in referring to himself that way.

During the meditation, during which I almost fell asleep, he came around and touched us in the third eye. After this, I saw moving patterns, almost psychedelic. Later I commented on that and he said it was some kind of kriya and it means that Kundalini energy is moving. He has a real positive and gentle energy, it doesn't seem like he makes up things to placate or please or get a following. If it wasn't anything special, he would just say so.

We also had a moment for those who suffered in Burma and those who will benefit from the monsoons. The monsoons created some larger cracks in the dictatorship, which is why he noted that some will ultimately benefit from the difficulties. In the same way that global warming will destroy the same greed economy that created it. A woman also noted that the union between a man and woman is divine and can affect the weather around them. That is why intention is very important and meditation before the sex act can be very beneficial. I like that, it also shows how meaningless sex can have greater negative repercussions (though I am not exactly sure how).

explanation--temple

Temple is where we do meditation, a small one-room place with candles in the middle, surrounded by meditation cushions. And sometimes meditation is followed by kirtan (chanting/singing), spiritual Q&A, or other similar things. There are little ceremonies as well and intentional prayers, to get rid of what does not serve us, or focus on bringing peace by being peace, etc. I am having a lot of emotional detox in there, a lot of feelings come up and then they are gone (since I allow myself to feel them--what you don't acknowledge will get stuck). Today I struggled with meditating--my legs hurt, I was sore, I forgot the mantra to focus attention, I kept thinking, I almost fell asleep. But it was still good. Things come up. But it would be easy to not participate and get nothing out the experience, intention matters a lot.

So I don't forget--recipe for the best raw cookies I have ever had--coconut flour (ground up leftovers from making coconut milk--has less fat and more protein and fiber than coconut cream), some agave, coconut oil, small amt of salt, small amt of spices as desired (cardamom, cinnamon, etc). Blend and dehydrate.

A funny story--a guy asked me if I speak Spanish, in Spanish, when I was in town today. I get a real kick out of Mexicans assuming I am Mexican--and it's even more understandable, now that I've gotten much tanner. He was looking for a store with stuff "del army"--love that Spanglish. I didn't know so I translated for him to ask the white lady ("gabacha"--they always think it's funny when I use that word, like it's some secret slang or something; probably by then he figured out I wasn't Mexican) where it was. So I got to be in my old familiar role of translator, which I love. (And luckily for the vibrations of Patagonia, there is no bodega con cosas del army here--it's in the border town of Nogales 17 miles away).

first day off

My routine here starts a lot earlier than at home and I really love it. I hope I can keep it going at home. Generally I go to bed around ten, and even earlier wouldn't seem abnormal. We get up after the sun, and start something by 7 (whether it be working in the garden or sprouthouse, or going to yoga). Lunch starts at 8, 8:30 (I love this--a good breakfast to start your day, but not *immediately* after waking up). Then we do whatever until 1, 1:30 and have lunch, the heaviest meal. Then dinner around 5:30 or 6, which comes with green juice. Or you can have two pieces of fruit instead (since dinner is not necessarily the heaviest meal, though it could be. But the special things come out at lunch). The whole thing is shifted earlier, and I really like that. 

I went to a lot of scheduled things today, trying to take advantage of everything before it all passes me by--yoga class, spiritual Q&A, temple, etc. The Oasis spa was remodeled and had a grand opening, with community members invited. It was fun to see and talk to different people. The food was also really great--cookies made of coconut flour and agave (basically) with cacao you could scoop on top. And other nice things. Overeating doesn't seem to be a problem as long as I eat a lot of greens and have green juice/wheatgrass. I have been having at least two green juices a day and my body loves it. I will have to bring some powerful green powders to Peru to keep my body nourished. A new food that I will have to make at home is raw yogurt--really delicious. I was raised eating yogurt regularly and never really liked the soy yogurts--too sweet. These are made from seeds (like sunflower seeds) and are real simple and easy to make.

One thing discussed in temple after meditation today was dealing with difficult times, agony and sadness. One man said that our judgement of the situation can be what makes us struggle. He also told of when he was having a hard time in life and called up an old friend. He said, "I've fallen off the path." And his friend said that you cannot fall off the path. The path is everything, all this. That was exactly what he needed to hear.

A woman also shared a story--a few days ago, she was having a tough time. She cried alone for several hours. And then, it began to rain for the first time since she's been here (almost 2 months). Beautiful.

Went to temple and they had kirtan, singing. It was very freeing, I released a lot. Also did a dance class, the kind where they play music with different themes and you move however your body wants to, without worrying about how you look or if it is an actual dance move or anything.

There is often discussion of dharma--your spiritual or righteous path in life. What you need to do in life. One man had found his way to his present role of being a healer. He really was, it was so evident. He said he had had a marijuana addiction, he had smoked everyday for seven years. He didn't know what he was doing but he prayed everyday and stopped. Afterwards, he found a book (I forgot the name) that talked about how drugs take your power from you. There was a time on the earth when drugs could be facilitative, back when the earth was in the fifth dimension (I swear it sounds so normal when he says it, I need to find out more). But since then, there has been purposeful cultivation and hybridization and black magic and it doesn't serve.

He also talked about spiritual parasites--there are physical parasite and parasites in the spiritual plane. An interesting type of spiritual parasite is addiction, because it is a self-created parasite. When you engage in that action (or substance, or whatever it may be) consistently, you create this parasite that feeds off of you and that addiction. Every time you partake, you feed that being. The only way to release the parasite is to stop engaging in that act/substance. Don't give your power to an addiction.

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It was very hot today and I loved it. I even love my slight sunburn on my back, it keeps me even warmer :) I know I should be better about protection, but I am just so happy with it. I know home is very nice weather, but I feel like this heat is burning away the bad and letting the real me be exposed. It feels incredible.

The Cafe is very nice. Gourmet-style raw food, 3 meals a day. Fresh salad ingredients at all meals, often from the garden, and a weak green juice with dinner (mostly celery/cucumber and some greens). If we get our own greens, we can juice them, which I have done (I like my green juice *strong*). I am feeling very nourished. As long as I can get my greens in and eat consciously, I can listen to my body's needs. One thing I find incredible is the presence of juice fasters--I wouldn't want to juice fast in the presence of all this food! I would much rather do it at home. But many people need the supportive community here; I like doing things on my own. 

first day in the sprouthouse

Yesterday we saw javelinas, wild boars. They were fuzzy and black and really cute. So much goes on that I forget a lot.

The sprouthouse is really easy. Like everywhere else, they are real chill, no rush to do things. Just do your work. Not too much to do.

Q and A after meditation with Gabriel was nice. People were asking all these intellectual questions, about the Essenes and other religious details, relating them to other spiritual things. I thought at first, oh, that's interesting. Maybe I should learn about this. Then I thought--do I have to? Why do I have to? I walk by the trees and my heart hears them and what else do I have to know? Then Gabriel said something about how you don't have to be so intellectual. So I asked a question then, if all that was necessary for someone who doesn't come from a spiritual background and doesn't know what they are talking about. And his answer was, no, you don't have to know it. There are spiritual truths found in all religions and useful parts of different religions, but you don't have to study religion at all. Just do things that lead to great harmony--pure veganic diet, building of prana (through whatever method you prefer), meditation, etc. That was nice. 

He is also careful about the ego--things opened up more after my question and he also spoke on the ego. It is important not to make goals based on the ego. Do not write a book because you want to be a writer. Write a book because the book needs to be written. Practical goals, detached from the ego, are fine. My own example--I need to brush my teeth because I want clean teeth and it needs to be done. But brushing to be obedient or good is not a good goal. I have to go brush my teeth now.

first working day

This place is really beautiful and exactly what I needed. The vibe is really good and open. There are a lot of different ideas and it is so easy to be accepting of all sorts of different ideas, if if they don't work for you personally, when everyone is so open and honest and kind. Obviously what they are discussing works for them and is important to them, and that's all that matters.

Today I worked in the garden; I start in the sprout house tomorrow (where I will be most of the time). It feels so good to do manual labor outside. It really confirms in my heart that the changes I have made are totally right. I won't be going back to a (natural light-less) sterile clinic (as much as I love the people there); I will be going to Peru and starting field research in NY. What could be more important? I love the sun, I love the soil, the slow pace, the conversations with everyone.

I went through a lot of emotions today. Finally things are opening up. I was really tired in the morning, and kind of upset. I had gained some weight at the end of the winter and the outfit I wore to garden in did not fit (none of my summer clothes really do. Winter clothing has more give since I layer like crazy). It was really uncomfortable and I felt really ridiculous. I just wanted to eat--there are three buffet-style meals. I ate way too much at breakfast and felt physically really awful. Luckily at lunch there were a million different juices, really fresh and strong, an unusual event. I had a ton and it really turned everything around for me, physically. You can't feel good if you don't have everything you need. By dinnertime I could feel I was still digesting breakfast, so I just had the standard weak green juice they have at every dinner. In exchange for a meal you can get two pieces of fruit (yes, people eat lots of fruit here despite the Rainbow Food diet! I love it). I love having food stashes, it's very comforting knowing there is something when I need it. I also got ten organic mangos for $5, there was a deal in town... anyway, I digress. After those juices, I started to really feel in tune with my body again. I went to temple afterwards, which Gabriel led. He had a great, positive energy. I messed up a ritual we were doing and everyone was very kind. My mind was chatting away like crazy during the meditation, but I also had great moments of clarity, and a lot of emotions were freed. I had some striking feelings of sadness move through me--remembering the park I used to walk through at lunchtime (Powderhorn Park), where my heart would feel so connected to all those trees. In the spring there were baby ducks and geese. It just made my heart sing, so much love for this earth. I knew I was stagnated, needing to leave when I didn't enjoy those walks anymore this winter. I was bored, in the middle of such beauty (the pond, trees, everything). I wanted additional stimulation (iPod)--how sad is that? I am so glad I am getting used to less stimulation, like I used to be.

Of course I also missed my friends, and Roman. It felt good to let the pain flow through. Things are finally opening. I loved the meditation and everything and am very happy. I was getting so depressed with my routine at home. It just wasn't working. How sad that so many people live like that all the time, of course they are depressed, much more seriously than I was.

Other interesting ideas--EM. Effective microorganisms. I will try them and report back. Google for more info. I don't really understand enough to explain, but I am always interested in improving my microbial situation :) "my little friends" They impact our body so much, another reason to eat well--feed the right microbes in your body. Anyway, they even use these in the garden. Intriguing.

I also met a dude that had been to Peru, where I am going. He ate tons of fruit, like I am planning on. He said it's really easy, just go to the market. And buy a peeler. The purity of the food is mixed--there are no organic standards, for example. I will probably bring a green powder to make sure I get everything in. I'm really excited about all the fruit I'll get to try--at least it will be fresh. I am so lucky.

People are watching South Park. So, not too serious, there is room for humor and all sorts of things. I love it.

at the Tree of Life

No pictures, haven't figured out the camera situation.
My flight got all messed up, so I got on the plane at 7am (CST) and got to Patagonia at 1:30 instead of 10:30 (MST).
It is beautiful and warm here. More later.

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I am really pleased with this place. People are nice and not too hippy-ish or flighty. They are just themselves. I don't have to pretend, really. The apprentices seem to be young and the resort guests are older (makes sense, younger people have less money and are more in learning than relaxation mode), generally.

It is interesting to hear people say things in person that I have read on the internet, and didn't really believe, or thought were kind of silly. But they have good intentions, so I just say, "Oh, really, interesting," and do whatever I want. They might be right, anyway. 

A lady (a guest) thought I had insect bites and I told her they were vaccinations, because I was going to Peru. She seemed a little disgusted and said none were required when she went (thirty years ago; yellow fever vaccine either didn't exist or wasn't an issue there back then). I said some parts require yellow vaccine, which is true. But I didn't have to get the other ones, I just would rather get a small dose and be resistant than risk dying when I encounter the real, strong virus. I told her my dad almost died of typhoid, and she said that maybe I was more resistant then--she kind of missed my point, that it would be silly to not take advantage of something my father couldn't have that could have helped him a lot. And then some lady overheard part, where the other lady said she never got any vaccines for Peru. And not knowing anything else, she said real firmly, "Good." Sigh. So you do have to pretend apparently, if you accept anything at all from Western medicine. I despise doctors, but it would be silly not to take advantage when they are being useful for a change.

The food here is really great--many of the veggies are fresh from the garden, and are so good to eat. I can feel my health starting to improve already, and get back up to where it was before. I don't feel compelled to stuff myself like when I was at home and so bored--bored with my job and cabin fever. I did eat a bunch of dried fruit I had brought with, but now it's gone so it won't be an issue. One thing though, is that the entrees and desserts are too fatty, it's just not my style. The desserts are often "phase 1" (see Cousen's books for an explanation), which means they aren't very sweet. I might buy some fruit from the local health food store to eat instead. 

The town is about a mile (?) away and there are several shops, including the health food store there. It's very small, there are maybe 800 people in the town and 40 at Tree of Life. I walked to the town today, barefoot until my feet hurt too much to keep going. This guy tried to tell me I should keep my feet wrapped up in socks with moisturizer, but I told him I'm trying to build up callouses, so that I can walk anywhere without a problem. It felt really great and liberating until the tiny hot pebbles starting burning my feet. But so I built some stamina today :) The big smooth rocks also feel really great, like a massage. But you have to walk properly, letting your feet roll and relaxing into whatever you step on (except for thorns maybe--unless you have the callouses for them, I don't). Otherwise it will be incredibly painful, same as anything else you do with your body. Like breastfeeding--incredibly enjoyable, but if you resist it, very painful. 

It gets close to 90 in the daytime and I love it. I had been so sick of being cold all the time. It gets cool when the sun starts to set, though, so I'm glad I brought all my layers. It is desert but green and luscious and beautiful.