I found this website; they should give this book to every expecting couple/person/family. American parenting too often resembles child neglect. The feeding schedule is really bad for breastfeeding as well, most babies and moms will not get/make enough milk feeding only every 4 hours. Some babies feed constantly for a number of hours before breaking...

Very interesting interview with Byron Katie:

BK: Yes. Radical physical shifts. I went from over 200 pounds down to just, where my husband was just fearful, I was so thin, and it was just…an amazing phenomenon. And my tongue, if I ate any kind of animal product at all, my tongue would bleed. And that's how I knew to eat vegetarian and not even dairy. And that's shifted now and it doesn't happen anymore. But it would just bleed and I would just have to hold a handkerchief on it. But then it would just move through.

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The rest is also very beautiful. My mind is very afraid of the idea of oneness (which they talk about), because then it won't exist as an independent entity, terrified. But it's not really independent anyway. That's the illusion, I guess.

Kahuna energy

Saturday I went to a Kahuna Healing Energy Preview. They talked for quite a while (one of the ladies said "When I was 70..."-- I hadn't realized she was over 70! It's really nice to meet older people with wisdom and experience). Then we did a guided meditation (similar to grounding exercises where you focus into the ground and then up) and they came around and focused light energy on us. I couldn't feel a lot like some people, but I did very subtly feel energy moving down. And my meditations since then have been really good, my mind is much calmer and I get a break from the past/future thinking.

I have been eating massive, massive amounts of greens. I love kale so much. The dehydrator I ordered never came (long story), but we rigged one by putting an incandescent bulb in the oven (I can easily take it out). I dehydrated a bunch of hot peppers I had harvested (they were about to rot in the fridge) and kale "chips", tonight I am going to make "burgers" with sprouted mung beans, carrots, flax, and spices. I love the simplicity of the system--Roman had always said incandescents are so inefficient, they give off light as a byproduct of the heat. And it turns out they dehydrate quite well!

My laptop died, the new one. So it will have to be sent to Apple, and I'll have to wait for it. Hmmm. This is the third one in the past year. When my mom started doing serious energy work like qi gong and tai chi, she was having light bulbs go out, appliances burn out, and she had two car accidents. I wasn't living at home so I don't know all the details. But I'll be buying warranties, that's for sure.

I got houseplants, they are beautiful. I needed shady plants, we don't get much sun. I also got kale, I hope it lives! But it wasn't organic--next time I will grow from organic seed. I don't like that I supported the conventional industry, I wasn't thinking. Poor chemicalized kale.

I also got a book on Taoist White Tigress practices. Very interesting ideas and practices for energy work.

Randomness

My jaw is sore--I clench it all night long, and sometimes in the day, not on purpose of course. My back is getting better, but it goes back and forth. It is for sure improving overall though.

My Tree of Life friend were going to meet up tomorrow but maybe it won't happen, he is sweet and floaty and so I don't have any expectations. I was planning on going alone anyway--a talk at Namgyal Buddhist Center, the Dalai Lama's North American place. "Eight stanzas for training the mind" by Gyumed Khensur Rinpoche.

I met some bikers, finally, at the coop. They thought I was cool because I ride a fixed gear, it's so funny. One guy had seen it several times, actually, he knew my bike! I was given suggestions for snow tires (the studded ones) or mountain bike tires for the snow. Why is everyone always so concerned about the snow? You just tell yourself you have to do it and you manage fine. And maybe end up walking your bike if it's really bad. But maybe I will meet up with some of them Sat, there is a benefit or something somewhere (great memory I have). They are the punk-type bikers. The kind that usually are too cool for me. I was dressed like a snowwoman and not cool at all, but I guess my bike was good enough. Or maybe they are just nice.

A lady at the coop read my pulse--TCM. She said it was good and slow, indicating that I am often cold. Very minor kidney stuff. For some reason I thought she should find more that is wrong with me--maybe she can't go deep enough. She was very nice though and we had an interesting conversation.

Growing sprouts--lentils and mung beans are very successful and consistent. Am trying fenugreek. Ooh! Need to try quinoa--I did it before but they spoiled. Apparently they only soak for one hour (vs overnight or all day) and then you drain them. So I oversoaked them by a lot--will try again.

Lots of work to get back to...

Ew, I heard the Obama campaign's rebuttals against what McCain has been saying and it reminded me why I am not interested in either one. Their policies are basically the same, I can't waste my energy getting behind that. It's good if people want to vote for him, but he has to play the game to be okay'ed to run for prez, and the game is evil.

Tooooo much work going on. I am not getting a PhD, maybe never, for sure not now.

back pain

I have had upper back pain for years (since I was 21, I think), for a variety of physical reasons, and just recently I have realized that it is a physical manifestation of emotional pain, any chronic pain is. I am reading this book, "Healing Back Pain" and it says (this is from a very good review on amazon.com, not me--it can be looked up):

-The pain is due to TMS (Tension Mytosis Syndrome), not a structural abnormality

-The direct reason for the pain is mild oxygen deprivation

-TMS is a harmless condition caused by repressed emotions

-The principle emotion is repressed anger

-TMS exists only to distract my attention from the emotions

-Since my back is basically normal, there is nothing to fear

-Therefore, physical activity is not dangerous

-And I must resume all normal physicla activity

-I will not be concerned or intimidated by the pain

-I will shift my attention from my pain to emotional issues

-I intend to be in control, not my unconscious mind

-I must think psychological at all times, not physical

I heard about this book years ago but never read it because I figured it didn't apply to me. My back pain had physical causes! Then I saw it at Alex Grey's studio and it said: "I have never seen a patient with pain in the nexk, shoulder, back or buttocks who didn't believe the pain was due to an injury, a "hurt" brought on by some physical activity." Four years ago my mind woud have protested and come up with a list of reasons why mine really was 100% physical. But when I read that the other weekend, my mind went uncharacteristically silent. Bingo.

I got the reminder from my clinic for the second round of Hep A vaccine, to make it stick for longer. I got so, so sick after getting vaccines last April that it makes me very reluctant. I can't afford to be sick in grad school, and I really wonder about the preservatives they stick in the vaccine. If the medical establishment really believes in the principle of protection through minor exposure, they should be encouraging us to stop with the overly sterilized environments, to eat unwashed produce--basically undo everything except for washing hands (with water) after bathroom or being with sick people. I don't know what to think but am suspicious for sure.

crazy day

I was biking to the farmers' market and stopped at a light and looked over--and saw a dear friend from the Tree of Life! Just sitting there, hanging out with some other people. A really sweet, open, accepting guy. I had missed getting his e-mail address somehow, and had thought about how I wished I had it; yesterday, in fact, I thought about how he blessed his food and had these long, funny, sweet prayers, and how I might want to do that myself. I learn something everytime I talk to this guy. He is in another world, so he can be kind of spacey. But so sweet.

He is going to be here until the end of the month! We talked for hours and exchanged lots of ideas. I learned so much. All these things I had thought about before were coming together. We went to Greenstar and started talking to some other guy, and then we talked for an hour, in the produce department.

One thing I liked a lot that he said--there is this group of Christians that live together in a communal way, it is pretty cool, eco-friendly I think. They want to live their ideals instead of just talking about them. But they try and recruit you everytime you talk to them, and say that we are not all God's children, just the ones who act in this way are. The rest of the world is in Satan's grasp. (Satan!? I nearly laughed. Too bad for them, that they limit themselves with these thoughts. Satan is just a concept, a personification of ignorance--which works out to be evil).

Anyway, he said that when they talk he thinks:"~~~~~~~~"and just takes in the good parts. They have lots of good parts. The rest, he doesn't even hear. Everyone says only they have the right answer, it's nothing to pay attention to. You just go with what resonates for you personally. It's much better than judging the person. Hmmmm... that explains why when I saw parts of the debate this past week, I didn't hear anything. Nothing true was being said!

The whole thing was crazy. I felt like I got high, high, higher. I wasn't going to tell Roman the details of our crazy conversation, because it would be too much and make him feel uncomfortable. I'm talking about other realms of consciousness, and he's open but also firmly rooted in this reality. Then, later on today, I was feeling too high, too weird, like I would float away (my hands were shaking), or maybe spirits would talk to me (and that's too weird for me right now). So I ate to ground myself, and thought more about my imagined response from Roman. He is always teaching me something, even if he or I doesn't know it. He is getting weirded out by me generally lately, being so floaty, and this would bother him even more. What is the lesson there? I know I need to be careful to move slowly and be more careful about grounding myself---that's the lesson. Be grounded enough so that I have something "normal" to talk to him about. That's not holding back--it's self-pacing. Self-pacing is very emphasized in the yoga meditations I am following, and I am not pacing myself well. So, I still feel super weird, I think I am going to watch the Office. Instead of meditating even more and frying my brains out :)

Brastfeeding men

Whoa.

dreamworld

The subliminal CDs said not to listen for more than 30-60 mins to some of them, or you would feel lightheaded since your brain waves are altered. Since I thought it might be a bunch of baloney that didn't work, I listened for hours while doing homework. It's easier to listen to than regular music since there are no words, just ocean waves or weird New Age-y floaty music. So after hours of that, I started to feel extremely disassociated, like I was aware that I was not only my body. It really freaked me out. Maybe it was my ego that was freaked out, I don't know. But I need to heed the warnings! I still feel a bit of that disassociation today, but am listening in lowered, reasonable amounts today. Slow progress is important so you don't go backwards--I felt for a bit, when I was almost panicking, that I should abandon everything I'm doing to grow and go back to normal life, preferable as a atheist, so everything would seem controlled and manageable. But that life is miserable, so I didn't :)

There is also one I listen to when I am falling asleep (that is okay to listen to all night) and it gives me beautiful dreams where I am gliding, and who knows what else. Maybe go into other dimensions? I can't remember. All these years I have had such stressful dreams, they were more like real life, except with ridiculous problems that don't make sense in the real world. I am so grateful that this is finally changing, I sleep so much better now.

Crap, I think this guy is right.

bugs

I haven't been able to kill mosquitos lately, I don't have the heart to do it. I never felt right about it, but I just couldn't stand them. But a few days ago I finally decided I can't keep going against myself, and hurt something/one else on purpose. If I'm going to grow, I have to do all sorts of things that are uncomfortable, but not actually bad. They are getting more docile around me anyway. In the past two days, I've captured two and let them outside.

Raw food guru David Wolfe's mom is from Iran, like my dad. So funny. I want to go visit over there and learn something about the place (and eat the dates and pomegranates), but my dad says it's too dangerous. Everything is dangerous, I'm not concerned. People still visit Israel. He hasn't been there since the revolution though, and he never does anything, he is kind but too stuck in his ways. It's really sad. I told him before I left that he never does anything he says and that he should go back to Iran now (he really wants to). He said, when he was young he told everyone he was going to America and no one believed him. When he left at 18 everyone was so surprised. I hope he surprises me, but I don't think so. Maybe I could go see my family by myself. My dad is an awful translator anyway, translating requires listening. Having Roman there would be nice though, to deter the cousin who wants to marry me :) I don't understand that culture much at all (except for the parenting style, which is basically what is called "attachment parenting" here--family bed, lots of affection for children, extended breastfeeding, etc).

Plant Science Building garden

My office and some classes are in here--there is also a greenhouse connected to another side. I plan on going there in the winter! Half is research, but half is tropical plants and open to visitors.

trees and cds

I had thought that in returning from NYC, I would be bored by Ithaca and its small town-ness. But I made good use of the bus ride home, meditating and questioning my thoughts--there wasn't much else to do. And I thought about how you can be happy or dissatisfied anywhere. Ithaca has many great things. I have been taking it for granted, that for a small town it is pretty liberal, in the sense of people not judging you for who you are. There are a lot of great people working for peace and eco-movements (even if I am not directly connected with them). And yes, small towns are slower paced. But if you are not over-stimulated, you will learn to enjoy that, and that there is actually tons going on. Nature is always busy--it's just a matter of stilling yourself enough to notice.

So when I got here, I saw that it was so beautiful. And actually, it was. It was like the color just exploded on the trees. And I was able to see them. Usually I'm so caught up in my thoughts that I see everything through a thick haze. Maybe I should put that in the past tense...it's not so true anymore. I am really opening up a lot. And then I walked by this tree that was so bright and vibrant that I was literally moved to tears. I was kind of shocked, I am never moved to tears. But I have always loved trees and kneeled before them in times of despair. And they just exist, and let you exist, and they never ask for anything in return.

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I also am listening to some subliminal CDs. I had heard the idea a long time ago. You listen to something like ocean waves, but it has subliminal messages. Sounds silly, maybe, but I try to be open-minded so I don't miss out on things. Finally I found some mp3s and downloaded them--you can buy them and you can get them through bittorrent as well. Mine are from Brain Sync.

Anyway, I am actually really surprised. You are not supposed to see any effect for 30 days but I felt like there were effects immediately--I did listen a lot though. There are ones for improved sleep, better focus, kundalini release (I am avoiding this for now since my meditations have felt pretty powerful lately), etc.

After the first night, I had a dream and my subconscious said---keep doing these, I am able to fly into dimensions through my dreams that I was never able to before. It was not a dream about the mp3s working, it was my subconscious telling me something, a direct observation. I don't know if they would have worked a year or only six months ago, but I am more open now and I feel a difference. My sleep was so good last night, usually I have such nerve-wracking dreams (but not nightmares) that I wake up tired. I feel a difference in other ways too, hard to describe but very obvious... I can't fake it, and I don't think it's placebo effect. I wouldn't care if it was, results are results. But placebos have never helped me before, even when I wanted them to. 

I need to be studying. But I had an interesting thought while I was in the shower. I was thinking about how I had never planned on voting for Obama, even though I obviously prefer him over McCain, because I ultimately don't believe in a centralized governmental system, it concentrates power too much and only allows puppets to run for office. Obama's policies are not actually that different from McCain, if you really examine the content instead of the rhetoric.

But then, I was thinking about how people will react if he becomes president. Many people feel personally attacked by the idea of a black person leading their country. I can only hope he doesn't get assassinated, but undoubtedly people have already tried. And why do people hate him so much? Because a black man represents The Other, fear of the unknown. The same fear that drives people to kill others over race/religion/ethinicity and to wage wars against animals and the earth. It's all ultimately from the same place. And while he is not that different, his rhetoric is different, and people fear that. He suggests we should help others within the country and outside, and make peace with the Middle East. That rhetoric really disgusts some people, I would guess their pain bodies don't like that (I am reading A New Earth). This triggering of negative emotions is good--better they are brought to the surface than hidden underneath, so they can be addressed.  So now I am thinking I would like to support Obama just because of what he represents. That's versus some people I know who want to vote for McCain to speed up the inevitable decline of America. I never was thinking that, because I'm uncomfortable doing negative actions, even if they might eventually do some good. But I had been thinking to vote third party or not at all. Now, maybe not.

My brother's coach said this about him: "This kid is a truly amazing. Last year he was a 6'3" member of our 10th grade team. Now he is a 6'8" DI caliber power forward. He may not be done growing. I have never personally seen a kid improve as much as Mike has in one off-season."

I am so proud. I didn't know he was 6'8" now--I am 5'3". I remember lugging him around as a chunky breast-fed baby. And then he was a beanpole, very sensitive, always very quiet and introspective. My mom said his coach told her he he doesn't even know the full extent of how good he is. It's so funny that that is the same person.

local small dairy

We went to a smallish-medium sized local dairy for my soil science lab (looking at manure production). It was much better than the huge, super crowded feedlots, but still sad to me. They did not graze, they were inside. The poor baby calves were taken from their mothers for veal and the moms had engorged breasts--not for feeding their babies. So sad! Having been so involved in breastfeeding promotion, it seems so wrong--the mother cows are instinctually mothers just like us women, they want to nourish their children. Their breasts look so much like ours.

Maybe you could own one cow and skim a little milk off the side after the baby drinks, that wouldn't be cruel. But then, why not just breastfeed your children longer (instead of weaning so early), that milk has exactly what humans need (not to create a falso dicotomy). Many societies breastfeed until five, six, seven...it's hard to me to grasp (cultural conditioning), but I can't think of any actual logical reason why this is wrong. Two to three years is obviously a minimum, but there's actually a lot of scientific evidence that this is not necessarily long enough---looking at age of weaning of other mammals (to half-way of reproductive maturity or 1/3 of adult bodyweight), immune system capacity, etc. I guess that's why the best advice is--do it as long as you both want to.

Freeville, NY

This shows a part of my research plot. The whole thing is an acre, and you can see there are different blocks, the treatments and repetitions. The seeding dates and rates for the cover crop vary (some has come up and some was just seeded). This is hairy vetch and rye, oats and peas are in another part (those are mixes, mixes are better than a single species for a variety of reasons).

We had the second frost last night...harvest season is ending. I went out to the research farm and made the most of it--had maybe 12 red bell peppers today (from the organic breeding plots!). It was my entire lunch and half of my dinner. And we harvested acorn squash (heavy!) and carrots.

I also got my stats test back. I had guessed that I got a very bad grade--maybe less than C-. They put up the key and I couldn't remember any of it--except for the first (easiest) question, which I misinterpreted and got wrong. But all is well! I am a better student than ever--smarter, more time efficient. Less stressed out. And that's good, because my research on various aspects of sustainable farming is a killer. Science is so boring.

I saw these women and the energy was incredible. I have been doing a lot of clearing out, and I think even a month ago the event would have been too boring, I would have been too closed off. I don't remember much of what they talked about, but I was focused inwards and feeling it from that direction. I felt a physical and emotional lifting in my gut area.

So I'm getting more open, which is making me more sensitive. This is good, because being closed off is just hurting me in the long run. So then last night...

Coffee and aspirin and other minor drugs normally don't affect me, because I'm just too cerebral. Then last night, after the women's gathering, I had a fair amount of raw chocolate. Chocolate has theobromine, a caffiene-like compound. I could never feel it before, but last night it felt like I was on coke or something (not that I know what that's like). My pulse started racing, and I started to get worried. I couldn't sleep for hours. I had too many energy but couldn't focused it, so I stayed in bed as my mind raced. For a minute I was worried that I had gone too far with yogic practices and blown my crown chakra open :) But then I remembered that plenty of people get this sort of reaction with coffee or chocolate. And I rarely have either. I just have never reacted before. 

I'm tired as hell today, but it's nice to not be so numb anymore.

Watched the movie  Zeitgeist, the newer version--I hadn't seen the older one but had heard about it. I knew about many of these things before, but a lot of details were filled in for me. 

I also watched The Secret movie. I don't doubt there is truth to it, but the focus of the people in it was really disgusting--money, posessions, very superficial things. I would still use the techniques; focusing on what you accomplish is effective no matter what the reason is. It's too bad it's so consumerist, because it will turn off the people whose values are aligned with the common good, and would do the greatest good using these techniques.

It was good to watch Zeitgeist after The Secret--you see the Secret and think, "Oh, wow, I can manifest [a bunch of junk I don't need and will ultimately make me less happy]!", the Zeitgeist movie puts things back on track--I do need to manifest some things, but to help create a better world for everyone, more simple, without all this greed.

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Okay, I had only watched half of Zeitgeist. The last half is silly, blathering on for awhile about how what really improves our lives is technology. I thought they were joking at first. Didn't they mean to say family or friends or something like that? Silly silly silly.

busy week

A beautiful (but cold) week, with lots of apples. In addition to exams, I volunteered at the apple orchard with preschoolers and went to an organic apple orchard. So many fresh apples and red bell peppers...yum!

I don't know how my exams went yet. Probably not as well as they could have, but as long as I stay focused it will be fine. I'm learning a lot quickly.

February my advisor is sending me with her lab technician (who is very nice) to the PA sustainable ag conference! Next weekend I'm going to NYC and in December I'll get to go to Minneapolis for two weeks. And I don't know what I will do for my birthday or Thanksgiving. I will probably have to stay here, to save money. 

Roman and I are very uncomfortable here, outside our comfort zone. We never realized how great Minneapolis was, it has a lot of things we appreciated but assumed were elesewhere--no, they're not. Actually, that's not really true. For a long time I thought I would never move out of the area, because I loved it so much. You don't have to leave an area to know this. Maybe I am wary because I know my dad misses home so much (though I think this is also an excuse to be unhappy). But I was getting stagnate and needed to be forced to change, to have everything challenged. And I can never go back exactly, it will never be exactly the same. Still, home is home.

Maybe I will end up somewhere else, you never know. I am very open to it, in fact.