From Nithyananda

This has been my favorite story for some time:

Four blind men were taken to an elephant and asked to describe what an elephant looks like. The first man touched the tail of the elephant and said, "without a doubt, the elephant looks very much like a rope". the second felt the leg of the elephant and said "the elephants were like the trunk of a tree", the third touched the ears and said it looked like a hand held fan, the fourth felt the trunk and said the elephant looked like a snake. Each one talking from their limited perception.

That's how everyone can be right at the same time. Or wrong :) We can't and don't perceive even an appreciable fraction of what is.

Things are... fine, I think. I really need to sleep more, and then I'll be able to think better. A friend's child got run over by a bus, though. He's in critical condition but the doctors think he will make it--still, he was literally run over. That can't be easy to recover from. Almost anything is better than having your child's safety in danger--so considering that, I am doing very well and am lucky.

I have to write something and don't want to--I should just so I can go to sleep, though.

happy ice cream day

The So Delicious Purely Decadent Coconut Milk ice cream is the best ever. Who needs rice or soy? I can eat the vanilla and coconut flavors without going nuts, too. Chocolate chip cookie dough, not so much.

I also went to Target. It was bizarre because I have been to far too many Targets; I felt like I had been here before. This one was set up like the one in Midway, St. Paul. Pretty quickly the toxic consumerism starts to get to you, but we got a couple household items before that set in.

I didn't do all the work I was supposed to this weekend. I just didn't care anymore. My stamina isn't like some people's. I will burn out real quick, maybe because I don't use any caffeine. At the counselor's, I complained that I was up against people fueling their work with caffeine and that with the relationship stress, I couldn't possibly do it all and would have to quit. This one person has been getting 2 hours of sleep a night. She is a perfectionist with her work, and over committed to a million different great groups (I really respect her, she is a sweetie). But she only drinks tea! Some people must use other uppers--I am very curious about this and the side effects.

When I have spare time again, I would like to study these drugs (through books only). Drugs fascinate me, in a purely academic sense. You can learn a lot about neuropsychology and physiology overall from the effects. One person told me she did some lab drug (some abbreviation she forgets) and she felt like she was underwater, it was a good time. Later she found out it can cause permanent brain damage. Also, she was (is) dyslexic after taking it and had never been before. A part of me is more curious about the psychology that would lead someone to make that choice. But self-experimentation/making huge mistakes/lack of foresight or extrapolation is pretty standard.

cut back meditation

I've been doing longer meditations for the past several weeks, and I have to cut back again. I don't know why I'm so sensitive. It took awhile to notice it was making me insane, and very burnt out-feeling (releasing too much at once). You can only handle so much at once.

I haven't done any of the work I was supposed to; that is also burning me out. That's what Sunday is for.

I have a hundred things to do, and am very sleep deprived. So let me just say, I found out that plain old non-raw carob powder is just fine and delicious. The stuff I bought before must have truly been burnt, because now I'm finding stuff that's great. Carob is delicious and I thank it for supporting my studies.

Also, graduate school is a bizarre little world. I'm starting to understand it. People truly are smart. But a lot of them have no idea how things work outside of academia and what money and scraping by is. And the extreme specialization is really weird. I'm glad to just be an MS and get a mere taste.

A good reminder to support organic for human rights.

psych care

Found this article about how many moms need psychological care (probably dad, too):
http://www.nytimes.com/2009/02/15/health/15mental.html?em

I think they really underestimated how many could use this. I can't count the number of parents who say their baby is greedy because it's always hungry, even when it has just eaten a few hours before. Yes, that's what babies do. Some eat every 15 minutes. Their stomach is the size of a marble when they're born. Don't become a parent if you can't handle the basic needs! I wonder how these mental issues gets expressed in the upper classes-- they hide it better with nannies and a high level of education. Maybe emotional neglect and abuse?

hmmm

I don't know what I think about framing veganism as a 'rights' issue. Something to chew on. The more I talk to small local animal farmers, the more issues I have with it. They may love the animals to some degree, but they are still commodities to them and they treat them as such--economically, you can't afford not to. The only scenario I can imagine is if you had some ducks or goats or something running around, like pets, and you gathered some milk or eggs when it was abundant and the animals didn't mind.

http://blog.veganfreak.com/

The other big reason that so-called “animal rights” ovo-lacto vegetarianism is pointless has to do with the essential problem of the relationship of dominance that humans assert over animals. Veganism as a social movement – and if we’re going to get serious about veganism, we have to begin building a movement that goes beyond mere consumption – seeks to redefine the ways in which humans relate to animals. To be vegan is to demand that animals are accorded rights that cannot be violated for mere reasons of convenience, taste, or tradition. Many of the basic rights that abolitionist vegans push for are rights would look pretty similar to the ones that we all cherish, including the right not to be the property of another, the right of bodily integrity and safety, and the right not to be used solely as the means to another’s ends (we treat these rights at great length in the next chapter). Put most simply, we are looking to abolish animal slavery by according animals a set of inalienable rights.

Thus, even if it were somehow possible to produce dairy and eggs that did not result in the death of billions of animals a year, a producer still must confine and control animals to produce these commodities for consumers – consumers which clearly include legions of ovo-lacto vegetarians. Fully the property of their owners, the animals involved in these forms of production are little more to their owners than living machines for profit, slaves who day in and day out for every single day of their lives suffer solely to fulfill demands extraneous to their own desires and needs. Though the particulars of confinement and slavery may differ slightly by setting, the same basic and underlying dynamic holds whether the products in question are the typical ones in your grocery store, or whether they are labelled “cage-free,” “local,” “organic,” or even “free-range.” The myth of a compassionate animal product is just that: a myth.

asceticism

I was reading this: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Asceticism

Yes, it totally appeals to me as an ideal. My approach is very different from these religions that are into it, though. It should never involve forcing or pushing. You just take yourself to your edge, where you are fine but pushing a bit (a la yoga). This eliminates a) hating what you are doing and b) rebelling far worse later (like with yo-yo dieting). So I have eaten for pleasure my whole life, because I haven't been ready to eat just for hunger. But I was fine dropping food categories over the years. You just lose your attachment for X food and realize you can enjoy something else.

The point is that you develop/increase your capacity for satisfaction from life and become less dependent on external conditions (which you have limited control over, anyway). If you need more, more, more for enjoyment, you desensitize your senses over time. This is exactly what happens with type 2 diabetes and other insulin-resistance related issues. You are exposed to too much insulin for a variety of reasons and eventually you are desensitized to it. You need more and more for an effect until you can't take it up. Then maybe your pancreas gives out, it can't pump out any more insulin. Same for people who listen to headphones and lose their hearing. As I become more sensitive, life gets far more satisfying and interesting.

This was eye-opening:

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/charlotte-hilton-andersen/an-open-letter-to-rihanna_b_165472.html

I really used to dislike the term karma. People misuse it pretty badly, especially the kind of person always hung up on the law of attraction.
But this is useful. This is why I've never executed any grand plans for revenge (though I could), because it won't help in the end. It'll just set you back, get you caught up back up in illusion. It's just a trap. Crap.

I went to a kim chi making workshop today. There I saw a friend of someone I had worked with. She moved to Florida and apparently is suffering from pretty strong culture shock. All they care about is shopping and other silly things. So she wants to move back to the north. I'm afraid of that sort of thing, too, if I ever go to the south. The biggest shocker to me was to hear about all the AC. Come on, in the cold you can freeze to death, but in the heat you can always moderate if you're not too active and have enough water. I can't stand AC unless it's at a very low level. Electric fans are nice on 100+ days, they don't give the air that strange quality, it's just like wind. "They're soft in the South," someone told me. But then, so many people in the north complain about the weather all the time and never spend any time outside, so maybe not.

So if I go somewhere warm, maybe it will not be in the US. My list of top ten languages I'd like to study would be (including ones I know some of): Spanish, Portuguese, French, German, Japanese, Sanskrit, Farsi, an indigenous US language (I had wanted to take Ojibwa at the U of MN but never would have had the chance), and... hard to say... maybe I'll change later anyway.

Orgasmic birth

I saw the beginning of the movie Orgasmic Birth. It was excellent and I am thinking about purchasing a copy. Anyone who would consider having children, or supporting someone planning on having children would do well to see this movie--it really displays the diversity of birth experiences possible, versus the stereotype in movies and on TV. Birth is not orgasmic for all, but it is far more than screaming "I hate you for doing this to me!" to your partner.

A better title would be "Ecstatic Birth", but the director made the smart choice of choosing a title that would give the movie more coverage and interest, and quickly show that childbirth is pleasurable to some women, something considered impossible by conventional belief. Normally I don't think a title should be chosen to start controversy, but normally birth issues are ignored. Now, just by hearing the title, people will know another option is possible.

I was reading a book on childbirth and it was discussing pain, an issue I found very interesting. I feel my tolerance for physical pain is fairly high and has increased over the years. I can breath through it a certain amount and experience it without judgment, but after a certain point it becomes too strong and overwhelming and I start panicking. I'd like to use the techniques in the book to increase my tolerance overall. I used to get to practice pain tolerance monthly, but don't get those debilitating cramps since quitting sugar (thank god; I remember laying on the bathroom floor in my dorm freshman year because it hurt too much to get up, or think, or do anything). But I might fall off my bike, or have a dental problem or something else that will make high pain tolerance useful.

back from conference

These farmers are geniuses; they do business marketing, financial management, record-keeping, science and research, looking at complex systems, making machinery, going out there and physically doing work, etc. Haaard work.

This woman said, "Oh, Ithaca, they have the most fantastic selection of restaurants," and I tried to be polite, but could not hide the shock on my face. Um, they have restaurants, yes. "Oh, um, uh, are you from a small town?" Yes, she was. When I told her where I was from, she understood. She went there once and saw a grass-fed beef stand at an outdoor jazz festival and was just blown away by the progressiveness of it all. Because most places have factory farmed meat and delis and that's it, I guess? I'm starting to feel really superior and snobby; it seems that most of the country just sucks and is really backwards. Not a good attitude to have so I'd rather admit it.

Moving has been such a bizarre experience. How can places look so same and be so different? How can some places be so backwards and why do I think I am so much better than them? I really think I am but I am sure that is not the case. I really think I was born with my values though, so I can't take credit for them. I remember thinking when I was a child--why don't my parents donate money (yes we were poor, but we couldn't donate $10 once!?), why don't we volunteer, why don't we buy organic, why don't we adopt a child that needs a family, why don't we buy the unbleached toilet paper? I couldn't wait until I lived in my first apartment. I went to the coop first thing and spent $20 a week, mostly organic and vegan. Finally I could do things more in line with my values. It sounds really great but it really all felt planned out for me. I was extremely uncomfortable before I could make all those choices (like when I was a kid and forced to eat meat--there was no nobel sacrifice on my part to stop what I hated). So to be honest, I have to thank god or my DNA or something. How lucky to be aware and more afraid of the alternative.

resistance and how do I like them apples?

I have eaten so many apples yesterday and today, more than I ever have in my life. Like 15 a day (plus raw veggies). I have never been so happy for roasted veggies in my life. I ate loads at dinner. I love fruit but am very content being only half fruitarian or less ;)

I am seeing more and more problems with large-scale agriculture. Economically it makes great sense, economies of scale and all. But ecologically it is not very feasible. Long term, you need good crop rotations, or you're naturally selecting for the pests, weeds, and diseases that best target your crop. Soy and corn doesn't cut it--that's an alternation, not a rotation. You can't do good rotations with large-scale ag; the acreage of each crop is just so huge and farms specialize too much. Small scale veg farms, however, can be very good at this (don't have to be veg--that's just what I'm working with). The ag policymakers don't understand applied ecology, and applied ecology is where all the research is going, because it has to in order to stay useful and relevant. These are complex systems, and the old models are overly simplistic and just not cutting it (an example is glyphosate, "Round-up". They thought it was great, a silver bullet [it is less toxic than some others], and finally weeds are starting to become resistant to it like anything else).

I'm going to learn a lot about weeds in the upcoming year. Secretly I am excited because a) I actually really admire them and b) they are often super nutritious edibles (wild mustard, amaranth, purslane, dandelion, etc.--also not so edible is Jimson weed aka datura which is a wicked and poisonous Teacher Plant. Fascinating, and possibly deadly, and you can't tell the difference between the medicine and reality, don't take it though it is easy enough to find). But I have to keep my weed-admiration a secret from farmers ;)

Bananas and apples

I just read on an informative website about bananas: "So even though the banana has a phallic shape, it is a sterile and mutant fruit that has not had sex for 10,000 years."

I was thinking today, how amazing is it that my diet has been about 50% apples lately (by calories, which I don't count so the number is made up), yet I don't turn into an apple? I could eat all apples, and I would still be a human, with not even apple skin or a little stem or seeds sticking out of me somewhere. The body is truly amazing! You even give it sawdust McDonald's hamburgers and you get lumpy and greasy, but stay essentially the same person. And you fast, and it takes at least a few months before you stop existing. Wow.

Today, my diet was almost all apples, plus soup and some veggies. I didn't like the main dish at this conference and I LOVE free apples. I'll probably switch fruits when NY runs out of the stored ones, at the end of the spring. Then I'll have to wait for berries. Which are even better! And so fun to collect. Summer will be fun.

another lesson

I'm always rushing from one thing to the next. If I have to do A, B, C, I don't want to exist during [A to B] and [B to C]. That's why I don't look where I'm going, leave messes, and all other sorts of things that involve not noticing. Meditation has brought my attention to this--I kind of knew before but couldn't really witness it. Then a few days ago, it started to feel like a turning point. It feels very different to exist in my body--I'm starting to feel much more awake. Slowly, it's like my shell has been cracked. How awful that some never get out of their heads--it's sad.

The other thing I learned, not in meditation, is that I can run much, much faster if I wear the right shoes! And I don't hurt myself. Ah, how foolish of me. Never skimp on the running shoes (unless you're doing outdoor barefoot running, a different thing entirely).

meditation and anxiety

I have increased my meditation practice to 20 mins twice per day; I need to keep it up. It's interesting that meditation is recommended as a method of relaxation. No, no, no. I bet it's not for most people, initially. My experience was no doubt that it increased anxiety. You sit there, and realize how crazy your mind gets, and you fight and fight having to sit there and just be calm, you don't want to sit and be calm and you don't know why and don't care because this meditation thing is good for other people but probably a waste of time and just not for you, right? And you never seriously answer the question: Why can't you just sit there? What's really going on?

I am sure at some point it will be a calming experience for me. I have to do it anyway, because I can't take this way of being any longer. I'm always trying to distract myself, I never want to pay attention, I just want to go inwards, I can't just be satisfied (this took me a long time to realize). Ironically, I would accomplish so much more for the future if I could let myself exist in the moment.

Everything is good on paper in the moment. Relationship appears to be working (though even as an insider, I never trust appearances anymore), I just became president of a grad group that focuses on sustainable ag (and related socio-economic issues), I received the grant I applied for, and I'm getting faster and stronger (even going up that awful hill is getting slightly easier). Oh, and I love riding my bike so much. With this, and some stats homework to finish, I'm getting ready to go to the conference tomorrow! We're staying at the hotel, so we'll have access to the pool, gym, and hot tub. Yea!

Now if I can find some time to sleep... also the beginning of the semester is always so much easier before exams start. And I'm so busy already.

muffins

Today was sunny and warm, I had to take off all my gear while biking up the hill. Instant weight loss of five pounds! I can't wait until I can put it all away permanently. Biking was so much easier.

We went to a show at Cornell based on the book "The Body Project", which was interesting, about women and body image. Nice and simple and I leave Weds!

Seitan-making was a great success. I'm going to make banana bread muffins tomorrow. I made some frosting for my muffins the other day with coconut oil and sugar (I blended it first since I didn't have confectioner's sugar) and R loved it, it was so creamy. I made it pink with blueberry juice and added strawberry extract. Next time I might try substituting some silken tofu for the oil.

I went to a bday party, L made vegan muffins and cupcakes from Isa's books and they were a great success. I didn't eat any of course but am glad to know they are good. I really don't get the big deal with baked goods. If I wanted to glaze my body with sugar (that's what I feel it does--it glazes all the body's tissues, eventually turning you into a glazed doughnut), I would just eat a can of frosting. I don't have the white flour gene, I guess.