I was thinking about meat because I am trying to question every assumption I have. But the more I think about it, the more I realize I really hate non-vegan food and I like being vegan because it gives me an excuse to not eat food I hate. I was a picky omnivore, but I'm not a picky whole foods vegan. So those foods have no value for me unless I am literally starving. Eating food you don't want when there is plenty, is a waste. In you or not. It's not a very grounding diet though, so I am trying to eat more nuts and beans and root veggies and dark green veggies.

When I was in Japan for two weeks, they knew I was vegetarian but kept trying to give me seafood, the one and only vegan food I hate. I would eat a tiny bit and then tell them I was full, and go to bed hungry. It's nice to be able to do that.

I'm going to a lecture on agroecology Thurs--should be good.

thought experiments

I have been doing some thought experiments lately, to challenge my usual assumptions. Am I sticking to dogma or is meat really not food for me? Mainly they involve being vegan/vegetarian. I think about how it would feel in my body to consume various kinds of meat and other things. It's hard to know if I'm being honest or am not able to get past my ideals. Eggs I have thought about several times--in practice, they are the most cruel, but if you wanted, they would be the easiest to get ethically (have ducks or chickens running around your yard, gather some extra eggs). You would get some extra B12, protein, right? But I have always hated eggs so much. The texture, unless really well hidden, is repulsive to me (I never even liked pancakes until I had them vegan--too eggy). My thought experiments end with me wanting to gag. Maybe it would be different if they were my pets' eggs? That could change the smell and overall quality.

I've thought about meat, too. I don't think it's necessary or justifiable now, but if I were a hunter gatherer in a certain location, it might be a necessity. So what would it be like? I was thinking about fish--I hate fish so much and can't imagine eating it without gagging. I would rather starve a few weeks first, no question (since anyone can easily fast at least that long, and usually much longer). Maybe it is just not healthy for my body (for still unknown scientific reasons). I would even rather eat beef or chicken than fish. Anyway, these thought experiments haven't really gone anywhere yet. It seems that these foods truly are not foods for me, but it's tough to know how open-minded I'm being. I'm being fair with factory farmed foods, but if I had to kill an animal, who knows. It will probably never come up. But the egg thing could be okay, if done right. I just have no desire to. I have never hated any vegan food like I hate fish and eggs.

Growing season starting!

My greenhouse experiment is done, soon I'll start the peppers that we'll be transplanting at the end of May (or beginning of June? can't remember).

Am working with some community garden projects, to try and get structure and funding. I'd love to physically help, but since I have my own acre of land to monitor and take soil samples and weed counts from, I can't really commit to anything. It's nice to help on a different end, to be able to do that.

And I joined a CSA! I can go to the farmer's market to claim it every week, so I can go Tues, Sat or Sunday. I wasn't able to join one last year so I'm excited for this year. They let you take as many greens as you want/can eat in a week, so it will be well worth it. $375 for the season, June through part of Oct(?), cheaper than my other one. Plus I put in $5 for their low-income fund... not much, but every little bit helps.

They aren't going to cut my money, after all, it seems. So now I can save money and travel, hooray.

I've been feeling lately like sarcasm isn't so great. I used to love it. Oh, it was so witty and a great way of not having to be soft and honest about your feelings. But it just seems nasty and dishonest now, not so brilliant and funny. Its a way of showing disgust/superiority to whoever you're talking to, especially if they're not smart enough to catch the sarcasm. Not to say I will never use it--but it should be kept in check.

$$$$

My summer stipend got cut way, way down, less than half of what it was. They don't have the money anymore. Oh well. It's very, very good timing that I applied when I did because I wouldn't have even gotten in this year. They have hardly any money to accept new students. It mostly is a pain because it means I'll have to keep a close eye on spending. At my old job, I just saved through direct deposit and did whatever I wanted with the rest (what did I buy? food and yoga and dance classes). Now I have to pay close attention and can't buy whatever I want. It's a pain... but oh well. There's no real concern. I would just prefer to be able to save money.

Beginning Meditation

It is sometimes said that the first stages of the meditaion process are the most difficult. The first distraction is the physical body. Sometimes there is real pain in sitting, and sometimes the ego just tries to distract us by creating itches we will want to scratch. Sometimes there is hyperawareness of the physical body: heartbeat, the breathing apparatus, blocked sinuses, digestive discomfort, or some other pain in the physical body. When the body relaxes, sometimes the head fails forward or backward.

The second obstacle is the mind, which is accustomed to flowing outward and often resents the effort and discipline required to turn our attention inward-it creates all kinds of excuses about why we should be doing something else.

Movie and meditation result

I saw a movie yesterday about the Green Belt movement in Kenya, working to save Kenya from deforestation. The Kenyan dictatorship carried out the same horrific policies as the colonial government did. The Green Belt movement was grassroots and achieved some level of success, though deforestation continues. One activist woman in particular ended up a member of parliament a few years ago when the dictatorship ended. But she is not able to be as effective, working from within the system. The system coopted her, knowing it would limit her effectiveness.

One problem is that I am more sensitive than I used to be. I always unconsciously put up a hard wall and now with meditation, I can see past it. So watching the movie was very painful. People must be so sick with greed in order to do such horrific things. And the bravery of the people that fought against this (realizing that hurting the trees is no different from hurting themselves) is incredible, they have put so much more on the line than I ever have. They said their backs were against the wall, so they put their fear into songs they sang as they physically put themselves in a place to stop the deforestation. A woman's movement was a large part of this. It was amazing.

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One thing that has happened since I went to Peru is moments of realization, where I see a series of clips from the past and then "a-ha". Like at the end of the Sixth Sense, when Bruce Willis realizes the truth, he plays back through the rest and sees how he misinterpreted things. Mostly mine tend to be "ah-that's why I do that--I didn't even know I did that", but feel just as dramatic as that movie scene (hey, it's my own life). I'm so grateful because it empowers me greatly to stop an old pattern and be able to recognize it in the present. I see things I completely missed before: "Ah, that's why this person would always say this to me. I thought they were just nagging, but I was so stuck in my head, I couldn't see the truth of what I was doing." I hope this unwinding continues.

I like this interview.

Happy equinox! Spring is finally here. Time to think of what I want in this new season.

The Days of Spring
by: Hafez (c. 1325-1389)
translated by Gertrude Lowthian Bell



The days of Spring are here! the eglantine,
The rose, the tulip from the dust have risen--
And thou, why liest thou beneath the dust?
Like the full clouds of Spring, these eyes of mine
Shall scatter tears upon the grave thy prison,
Till thou from the earth thine head shalt thrust.

meditation practice

The past few months meditation had been hard, I felt uncomfortable and anxious and sad and terrified. I thought I had to let myself just feel the negative emotions instead of denying them, so I would try and relax into them instead of blocking them. The idea is that the only way out is through. But that wasn't working for me... how long can you be so uncomfortable for, feeling negative things go through you? I was feeling these things constantly. No one could tell, I didn't let it affect my mood, but it was hard to concentrate. I just wanted to zone out and numb myself with my thoughts, because it was too much.

But then lately, I had started to experience what I have heard described as "the witness". That is, I started to be able to step back from how I was thinking and really see everything as an outsider. The witnessing is important because then nothing in life can rattle you too much--you know things will still go on, even if life seems tough.

More importantly, if you can truly witness what is going on, you are free to make choices. So often we imprison ourselves because we don't even see the different options that are available. I am slowly starting to see the infinite number of options available, when I feel there is only one or two or three. I don't have to limit myself to pure habitual reaction.

The last few days this witnessing, combined with the logic that I shouldn't have to feel so horribly miserable from meditation (it shouldn't just bring up junk). Maybe what I thought was terror was excitement and the resistance to this very positive feeling was causing all the trouble. So, negative feelings are caused by resistance (no matter what it is that is being resisted). And now I try to relax more completely than before, not into the resistance/bad feelings but beyond that, into something else I haven't explored much before. It's nice to see new layers creep up under my many thoughts. It's exciting to see where this will lead.

I still get off track constantly in my thoughts, but as long as I keep bringing it back, it doesn't matter. It is still my yoga practice.

We did it!

After class Thursday morning, I biked down the hill and we took the 5-hr bus ride to NYC. We were there until the next afternoon, when we took a flight from JFK. We stopped by Blossom and realized from the $30 entrees that it was not the same as Blossom Cafe (but the teeny tiny appetizer was very delicious), we went to Babycakes and had great gluten-free desserts, and walked across the Williamsburg bridge and back. Eight hours or so later, we went through Amsterdam customs (very easy and nice, compared to Mexico/Peru) and then finally to Barcelona. It was morning when we arrived there. Since we only had three days, we decided to tough it out and stay awake until night with the exception of a quick nap. The metro was clean, efficient and easy to figure out. We took it to our 4-star hotel, which we never could have afforded without the recession and our great package deal. Then the next three days we went to a variety of places--walked around the streets looking at buildings, went to a famous church called La Sagrada Familia, the best park I have ever seen--Park Guel--designed by Gaudi (he also did the church, but the park was a completely different style--whimsical instead of solemn), saw a great bike system (there are bikes all over that say "bicing" that you can hop on and drop off if you pay for a card--I would have rented one if we had more time), went down to the beach (sunny but freezing water), ate at a great vegan restaurant called Juicy Jones...then Monday morning woke up at 5 am, took a flight back, hung out around Union Square for a few hours, then back on the bus and got back in at 9 or 10 pm.

It was lots of fun and we are much better travelers than we used to be--we were better able to experience and enjoy the trip. Jet leg is not too bad. One mistake was the first day, I drank three americanos straight to stay awake, and slept one hour that night. I don't usually drink coffee so I didn't know that would happen--my heartbeat also got very fast. Kind of scary.

Vamos a Barcelona pronto~~~

Will have a report Weds when we get back. Will also hope to hit up some places in NYC--want to check out Babycakes bakery. And see some sunny 60 degree days, hopefully.

In our current climate of new ideas and alternatives to traditional thinking, there is a predictable intellectual backlash of scepticism. Whilst discernment is always an essential quality, hard-nosed skepticism can be a cover for the fearful denial of new ideas.

Next Saturday I'll be in Barcelona, and for the next three nights. First time in Europe...wish it could be longer, but it's a one-time chance.

My committee meeting went well. Summer will be full of research--I can't wait to be outside, getting dirty all the time. It makes you tired, but it's nicer than the pale florescent lights of my old office. I would be so depressed coming in from the park at the end of my lunch break. That's why I decided I had to make a change. Even if I'm back to an office at some point, I'd like to have more control over my situation, and variety.

I started doing a little bit of qi gong on my own. It seems more useful than it did when I tried before. Not that I'm doing much now, or tried it much before. But I'm sure I will at some point in the future.

Voy para Barcelona en once dias! Just for an extended weekend.

Voy para Barcelona en once dias.