Old women have traditionally been strong and important to a society's health.

Juneberry and strawberry season is ending, but black raspberries are starting to ripen.

I wake up a lot at night, because my back is bothering me and I'm worried about having to get up soon. So I've been meditating laying down, because I hate sitting up right after waking up when I feel so tired... it's not optimal. But I need to meditate to relax my back. And so it goes.

More on truth

From The Four Agreements:

Everything we do is based on agreements we have made... the most important agreements are the ones we make with ourselves.

Be Impeccable With Your Word
Speak with integrity. Say only what you mean. Avoid using the word to speak against yourself or to gossip about others. Use the power of your word in the direction of truth and love.

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I have always thought truth was important. I would rather know a horrible truth than not know. But I can respect that not everyone wants that. Nothing wrong with being honest about what we are ready for.

Krishnamurti:

Truth is to be discovered and understood in every action, in every thought, in every feeling, however trivial or transient; it is to be observed at each moment of every day; it is to be listened to in what the husband and the wife say, in what the gardener says, in what your friends say, and in the process of your own thinking. Your thinking may be false, it may be conditioned, limited; and to discover that your thinking is conditioned, limited, is truth. That very discovery sets your mind free from limitation. If you discover that you are greedy - if you discover it, and are not just told by somebody else - that discovery is truth, and that truth has its own action upon your greed.

Deep down, everyone knows their own truths, I think. But being able to find that spot is difficult.
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I just watched a video about labels. Labels are easy to critique, but isn't any word a label? At heart, I agree with the critique; I have always felt that language is so limiting. It's just a label for whatever concept you want to express. The most important things have no words.

But words are convenient for expressing a feeling or request. So in the same way we use words, it's convenient for me to call myself whatever. And sometimes I avoid those labels because it makes people think of stereotypes. Labels are just like any other words, but any less useful.
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I hear a lot of strange things when I meditate. Lots of screaming lately. My mind doesn't want to do it. But no matter what story I tell myself, I know it is important for me long-term.

Not much news on Iran anymore since Michael Jackson died. I heard from my cousin and he said the situation is bad--people are sick of the corrupt government that keeps on intruding in their lives. But it might continue for a while longer.
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Someone I work with said the first time they ever held a baby was last year. They still don't know how to hold one and don't really like them. And she's from a rural area--it goes to show how disjointed our supposedly family-friendly society is.
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My adviser made a crack about having dinner with two vegans (us)--would it be all lettuce? So I'm bringing some vegan brownies tomorrow for the whole lab, to show how decadent vegan food can be. I bought one of the standard mixes, with lots of sugar. Hopefully it turns out well! I was going to make something that I would eat, but I realized that it would be a lot of money to make something they wouldn't like (like whole grain flax banana muffins). This was 99 cents and I bought a small bottle of oil for $3. Fat, salt and sugar are vegan, so vegan can be as unhealthy as anything else, I always say. :)

My thoughts about truth involve a broader definition. I was thinking how often I saw something to elicit a certain response from someone-- approval, to get them to do something for me, etc. In a sense, the things I say to get something are not really true. I'll have to elaborate on this more later.
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Fruit season is in full swing! I've been picking white and red mulberries, juneberries, and black and red raspberries are beginning to come into season here. I also went cherry picking at the orchards--just this weekend we (in the horticulture department) were allowed to pick for free. Most of them were molded, sadly, but I had never gone cherry picking before and I loved it.
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I'm not sure how much sleep I get. During the school year, I often get only 7.5 hours--I can't feel good with less than eight. If I have a bad or busy night when I am very stressed, I might get only 5 hours and it never gets made up. The debt just keeps accumulating.

I'm reading a book about the effects of artificial lights and sleep deprivation. It's very interesting, though parts are poorly written. It gets into assumptions about what we evolved to do, and a Paleo diet--lots of poor assumptions about what we evolved to do IMO. More assumptions than science.

I am doing lots of reading on the importance of sleep, hormonally and for health in general. In that vein, it's after ten and I'm going to bed. But tomorrow I want to write on what I have been thinking about, being truthful. I hold truth as very important, but I have recently realized some ways in which I haven't been as truthful as I like to think (both with myself and others).

I'm learning a lot of common weeds and other edibles, working on the farm and in the lab, and gathering berries. Still working on getting enough sleep...

Finding Reliable Sources of Information about Vegan Nutrition

By Virginia Messina, MPH, RD:

If our argument isn’t built on a strong and reliable foundation, we give people the opportunity to dismiss us or show that we don’t know what we’re talking about. And when bad information causes vegans to adopt risky nutrition behaviors, we give the opposition more ammunition for their “vegan diets are unhealthy” argument.… Vegan diets are far better than the way most Americans eat. But we just don’t have the data to show that they are the only healthful diet. We already have an unassailable message—that a vegan diet is the only responsible and ethical way to eat. There is no need to embellish that with statements that can’t be supported.

While meditating, sometimes I see the way I process thoughts to protect myself--or at least in a way I unconsciously think protects me. When I receive information, I put it in a place and set in there, then I look at it afterwards. I don't let myself experience things instantly, for some reason.

The situation in Iran is very sad. It's also hopeful though, because it has been long overdue for change. The population is young and well-educated (my impression is, better-educated than Americans--my dad was middle class, yet his high school classes were same as undergraduate college level here). They are all treated like they are idiots and inevitably will demand something better.

No strawberry picking, due to rain. But I found regular and white mulberry trees (the white ones I had never seen before, they taste mild, like cucumber) and juneberries. Yea for berry season!

I also had this idea that I could go to the mall, to walk around while it was rainy outside. Sure, I'm not a mall person, but I don't want to be a snob, right? Wrong! The mall is a miserable place... if that is regular America, I am not a regular American at all. It was depressing and overloading and consumeristic and I will not be going back any time soon. The bookstore was fun, though.

It's berry season at last! I found a mulberry tree and am going strawberry picking tomorrow.
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Life is a bizarre act. I am reminded of this every time I look in the mirror. What looks back always, always surprises me. I like to look in it everyday, not out of vanity or insecurity, but to try and relate the internal with the external. All day, I walk around as myself, and the stories I make up in my head. Then I look in the mirror and see someone completely unrelated to any of my personal experiences of existing (outside of others' reactions to me). I would never be able to guess what I look like by being in my head. I've heard of people being surprised by their aging faces in the mirror--wrinkles, gray hairs. Was there a time when their reflection *didn't* surprise them? Many people's identities are wrapped up in their images, especially if they learned to get approval that way. Good-looking people are thought of as fortunate, but attachment to that identity seems so unlucky!

When we do start to connect our image with ourselves? I remember taking my baby sister to the mirror and showing her her reflection, trying to figure out what she was thinking. Did she understand this is what people saw her as? At first she looked puzzled. Her gaze would go to me, and the me in the mirror, and then herself. When she finally laughed, I guessed that she understood. What's funnier than reality? That's why there are all those stories of enlightened monks being goofballs.

I'm going to take a hot bath, one of the simplest and greatest luxuries. I can't believe how lucky I am.

nearly one yr update

I was told I would feel more comfortable after a year in a new place. I don't think so--I felt somewhat more comfortable after six months, but I don't think this place will ever feel like home. It's too homogeneous for me. But, it is a nice place to call home for a short period and I'm sure I will look back at it fondly. The most important right now is to take advantage of the new location--I am about five hours from so many different places and have the chance to visit many places I never had before. While, in the midwest, five hours doesn't really take you anywhere. I have the chance for many more experiences while I am here.

I was reminded of one of my favorite parts from the movie "I (heart) Huckabees" the other day:

Albert Markovski: No, I'm not. I'm talking about not covering every square inch with houses and strip malls until you can't remember what happens when you stand in a meadow at dusk.
Bret: What happens in the meadow at dusk?
Albert Markovski: Everything!
Mrs. Hooten: Nothing!
Albert Markovski: Everything.
Mrs. Hooten: Nothing!
Albert Markovski: Everything!
Mrs. Hooten: Nothing!
Albert Markovski: It's beautiful.
Tommy Corn: It's beautiful.

That's all I care about.

I'm learning a bunch of things I never would have chosen to learn on my own--programming for SAS (a statistical program) software, calibration of equipment for pesticide spraying, agricultural machinery. Maybe it's good to develop those parts of my brain (which have always been weaker), but I kind of doubt it. There is nothing on the artistic side--it is completely lopsided. I haven't been able to stand fiction books for years. I can't stand scientific discussion that isn't very precise. They call it "training" for a reason--they train you to think in a very specific way. I am constantly being tested, being asked questions. The answer isn't as important as the reasoning I give.

I can't wait until this foolish business is done. Then I can throw paint on walls and be ridiculous and dance and rebuild the other, atrophied side of my brain. School is basically to train the creativity out of you, for whatever subject you study. It is also very good at making people invested in a system that doesn't work. So you get students coming in that are idealistic and care. And the output is jaded, cynical graduates who worked so hard and don't want to lose it all for something that isn't going to happen anyway (whatever change they initially believed in). So they drop their initial values for something more "practical" that they are told will make them happy.

Of course it doesn't make people happy to accumulate excess wealth (happiness cannot come from outside, once basic needs are met), and it can't be justified anyway. The flip side to this system is that all wealth is built on the backs of exploited people everywhere, so I am not extremely interested in this wealth. I am pretty well off right now and wouldn't need that much more money to comfortably have a family. I am so lucky to be in this position (born in the US to literate parents who could always feed me), and to not be under the illusion that the point of life is to accumulate wealth. That is such a poisonous trap. As it is, I am extremely wealthy to be able to travel so much. I'm not saving right now, but I don't care. I'm so lucky to get to have all these experiences now. I want to keep going with them while I can.

driving and Montreal

Hmm, turns out my driving experience is all rural experience--from the edge of Cornell to the research farm doesn't even involve going through Ithaca, or encountering hardly any traffic. So I am still terrified of city driving.
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Montreal was great, we were there for a short time and want to go back. Halfway there I realized they speak French there and that I should be studying the phrasebook I brought. I took jr. high French over ten years ago and studied three languages since, so it's pretty buried and I could hardly remember pronunciation. But I used it! I always started in French, sometimes they switched to English but mostly they smiled kindly and spoke slowly and I bumbled along and guessed what they were saying and with my reply. It was humbling but exciting.

When we were looking for a hotel, I walked past some guys and my ears perked up. Their language sounded familiar!

"Uds hablan espan~ol?"
"Si, claro."

And so I got directions :)

OK, we are leaving for Montreal tomorrow, and coming back Sunday. I don't look forward to the time in the car, but it will be a different experience.

I am noticing so many things I do. More and more things I need to improve, I guess. Does that mean I've progressed? Getting to another layer, of seemingly endless layers? The more you know, the more you know you don't know?

I have certain physical imbalances (more and more I see the connection between physical and mental, to the point that it really seems all the same to me--it just depends where you focus). My left upper back is weaker, and my "core" on that side is weaker and my whole body contorts to compensate.

Also, I cringe a lot. I squint and wrinkle my brow a lot (this is from my dad), especially when I think. Frowning and smiling have been shown to affect hormone release, and mood--so this I want to change. Relax the facial muscles and you will feel more relaxed.

When I feel attacked, I get very rigid and protective. And my tone gets sharp. I feel wounded but unconsciously sound like I'm going on the offensive. I don't judge myself for this--but it is not helpful. It is useful to observe so I can change it.

I tense my shoulders a lot. I have known this for some time (they were horrible when my parents announced their divorce five years ago, it really stressed me out). Now I can feel the muscles even more precisely.

I like to eat for stress, for low energy, for sleep deprivation, for low mood, for tension--all the same, really. It feels calming and helps me stay awake. I have such trouble existing when I don't get enough sleep. I feel so depressed when I am sleep deprived, and I never feel depressed when I get enough sleep. I can handle anything, mentally, if I get enough sleep. And I can't handle anything if I don't.

A lot of things I do seem like I have high self-control or denial, but the truth is the opposite. I almost wish I could, but I am very bad at ignoring certain demands of my body. It is so sensitive! I can't drink much because I hate drinking, so I can't do it to conform. Not because I am trying to be healthy. Though I suppose I hate it because I feel its effects on my body and mind... it would be easier if I could conform, maybe. But I can't. My friend that is staying with us never drinks at all and it makes me feel so good to not have to pretend. I can *not* drink with him, and it is totally fine with him and I feel like I am allowed to be myself. I am not going to drink to fit in, I think. Doing so feels like a betrayal to myself. I am fine drinking a bit every once in a while, but that is it.

I want to be positive... but I need to be clear but the areas in which I need improvement. I feel relieved that I can admit these things, and honestly work on them. Life is just for learning.

summer at last!

Finally I am starting to adjust to the earlier start time. I wake up at quarter to 7 now, and the shift was small but very hard. I enjoy getting to bed earlier and waking up earlier (closer to the sun, a more natural rhythm), but it was hard to get my body used to it. I spend lots of time outside, in the soil, with plants. The work is not interesting and my legs and arms are often sore, but I love it. I love the fresh air, seeing the sky (cloudy or sunny), and knowing I am getting stronger. It's also warm on a much more consistent basis, and I love it. Summer is here at last. It doesn't get quite as hot as Minnesota (and I *love* the heat), but finally the time of year I have been waiting for all year is here. Summertime!

We may take a road trip to Montreal this weekend. A friend wants to go to med school there. I have hardly been to Canada and am excited. It will be quick, though.

I haven't enjoyed meditation lately but just kept on plodding through, doing the minimum I consider acceptable. I think because I have been so tired it has been tough... but the last few days, feeling more alive with summer and early bedtimes makes me feel so good overall. And this morning I was disappointed when my meditation time was over. I really relaxed and let go like I hadn't been able to for awhile. Do I wake up earlier to make more time for it, taking advantage of how much I am enjoying it? Or do I try and fit in a longer second session? It is so much harder in the middle of the day--I always want to do things. I still have to decide.

farmers' market

One thing that makes me uncomfortable is the racial segregation in Ithaca. There are African-Americans, they're about 10% of the population, and they all live in the same neighborhood (a few blocks from me). It's nothing I haven't seen before, but there is so much talk at Cornell (almost all white, plus international students) and in the town. Many people have told me Ithaca is all talk, little action. I understand how that can happen, I don't want to be too critical (some places don't even have talk! I'm so glad there is a dialogue starting in Ithaca). It just means that is a place for improvement.

So one very positive development in this area is a produce market at a local community center. They are being very careful to make it accessible, by putting it at a good time, in a good location, with affordable prices. The farmers' market here is very inaccessible--across a highway, expensive, all white plus immigrants. Not very welcoming for those who could benefit the most (I still enjoy going, though). I'm going to try and go this Friday, and see how it is. I don't want to be stuck in the Ivy Tower--Cornell has a lot of smart people, but they are not always in touch with the rest of the world.
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My other big goal is still to do a pull-up. There is no timeline and I can't even start to pull myself up, *still*... but it will happen. It took four years before I could do the splits. I take my time with my goals--but when I am determined, I will complete them, at some point.

Our guest arrived today! He's very low maintenance and doesn't require any of my attention, but will walk with me to the coop and bookstore. But he isn't delighted by libraries for some reason! I LOVE libraries, they are a perfect model for how things should be--a shared community resource available to all.

I have been thinking about the saying "the road to hell is paved with good intentions". I started thinking about this seriously when reading an article in Peru about well-intentioned Americans and Europeans who would go down there and tell people what to do, doing more harm than good. Naïveté can be more harmful than malice, I think. The fact that one doesn't care enough to seriously investigate what they are doing is an indirect kind of malice, and one less likely to be recognized because the intention is supposedly good. Intention is important, but intention has to be followed by right action.

summer in NY...

We are going to have a car starting tomorrow--not really my car, and I am glad. But it will be nice to be able to go out to places that are really hard to get to by bike--up to an hour of walking the bike up hills PLUS X miles. There are pick-your-own berry farms, a glass museum, Farm Sanctuary, and state parks and cities. It's nice to know about (even though really, I hate sitting in a car--once in a while is enough time in a car for me).

We start planting peppers soon. I loooove red bell peppers.

Also met someone who knows about Juneberries etc. I think I will be able to find places to go berry foraging this year!

Today we planted cabbage transplants. We fertilized them with fish emulsion (not my choice) and two people sat on a gizmo on the back of a tractor and frantically put the transplants through the holes in the carousel. Two people followed and kept the other two stocked with plants and made up for any errors. It was a long day, but nice to get in all that walking.

It was also very cold, for June. It's warmer than I'm used to in the winter and cooler than I'm used to in the summer. Sad! I love my toasty summers. I would love to live in a place in the 80s or 90s for a solid amount of time.

My other excitement was the Purely Decadent Coconut Milk Peanut Butter Swirl ice cream I tried...it was great! Okay, off to bed. I need to make up for a late night last night.

The most interesting thing about Cornell is to see all these people living the American ideal--they have prestigious jobs and lots of material wealth. Sometimes I think, hmmm, maybe there's nothing wrong with it, if people genuinely find it fulfilling. And then I remember that the whole system of wealth is built of the backs of the world majority--the working poor--as well as destruction of the planet. It's a point not to be forgotten...

I saw a toad today, and brought it over by the local creek. I love toads and frogs and turtles. I just love them, more than cats of dogs. They're more quiet and unassuming, like trees.