back from Montreal

Wow, watching everything I say and the true motive behind it, is scary. I'm frequently so manipulative! Sometimes I just stop talking, because I can't think of anything to say that isn't to persuade or show off or put someone else down. I guess that's good; it's better to say nothing if you can't say anything good. I can really *feel* the impact of what I'm saying, so it doesn't feel as good to manipulative as when I wasn't as conscious of it. I guess that's why they say meditation can be morally self-regulating--hopefully you get naturally get drawn to a better way of behaving as you start to really *see* everything. I don't mean to say I see all that much, but that I can see my own actions more clearly than before. I'm glad I'm realizing this now. I easily could have gone through life without growing much, making myself miserable by wasting energy. It takes a lot of energy to maintain the belief that you aren't good enough, and even more trying to counter that by putting others down and myself up. I don't want to do that!
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I drank coffee on this trip again (to Montreal), black. I'm so proud that when I drink it, I drink it black. I feel like one of those tres-cool coffee snobs :) When I do this, I notice the same thing happens every time: at first it keeps me from falling asleep, then I feel very tired, then if I try to sleep my thoughts and heart start *racing* and I feel incredibly anxious.

This time, when my thoughts starting racing, I decided to stop resisting it. It was so difficult and uncomfortable to fight the deluge of thoughts racing around my mind, so instead of trying to avoid them, I pictured the energy popping up everytime I had a thought. I watched the energy pop (watched, yes; my thoughts often become hallucinations of sorts when I drink coffee. That's why I never enjoyed it!), pop pop, more and more, I had all sorts of weird realizations (but with practical implications), and it kept spinning more and more. As I watched it spin, my muscles started to relax like they haven't in so long. It was like the anxiety stored in my body was getting pushed out and released in my brain. This was the first time I ever watched it happen without fighting it (though I was still fighting it somewhat), and it was so so weird. But I'm really glad I felt relaxed in the end. The mind is an interesting thing!

Montreal was awesome, by the way. Loved it.

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I eat pretty healthy, but lately I've had a crazy habit: chewing packs of sugarless gum. It's not so crazy, but people keep looking at me funny for going through a couple of packs a day. I find the incessant chewing to up my mood and make me less anxious. Hopefully I'll feel like dropping the habit before I get aspartame-induced cancer. But for now, it's healthier than smoking or drinking or keeping all that tension in my body.

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