I just had two tons of popcorn and feel really great. All the yoga I'm doing is sending energy flowing, but I don't get any ecstatic feelings like many report--it all feels like despair and other intense emotions leaving my body. It's not quite the same as depression because it usually doesn't stem from my own thoughts or experiences, though there is of course some of that--my own stuff is mainly worry. Most of it I just watch, and it goes through me, but I still feel it physically. It wears on me.

I have been feeling this the majority of the time for the last few months. The popcorn was like turning the "off" valve--yes you have to deal with your feelings and karma at some point, but you also need a break. So now I am so grateful to have a respite, a bit of relief. The steady flow will continue soon enough... I am trying to take a wide perspective. Things will hopefully slow down in a few months. Otherwise, if I assumed this is how things would always be, I would feel horribly depressed. But I don't identify with it, so it's more like a big work load than feeling depressed, per se.

For awhile I felt stuck, but I am not so concerned anymore... after my birthday I noticed some things clearing up and I had some new types of automatic yoga show up--the desire to do certain physical yoga things, like the cleaning out of the sinuses and throat. There are images of yogis pulling cloths out of their mouths and now I understand why--clearing out that excess mucus can clear you both physically and mentally. I actually stuck my hand down my throat in the shower and pulled some junk out. There's weird stuff like that all the time. It all sounds really cool but it's not, it's like drudgery. I'm cleaning house and it is dirty. And I have to scrub the whole thing with a toothbrush. It will be so great when I get to some kind of plateau--not ecstacy, just normalcy.