meditation and anxiety

I have increased my meditation practice to 20 mins twice per day; I need to keep it up. It's interesting that meditation is recommended as a method of relaxation. No, no, no. I bet it's not for most people, initially. My experience was no doubt that it increased anxiety. You sit there, and realize how crazy your mind gets, and you fight and fight having to sit there and just be calm, you don't want to sit and be calm and you don't know why and don't care because this meditation thing is good for other people but probably a waste of time and just not for you, right? And you never seriously answer the question: Why can't you just sit there? What's really going on?

I am sure at some point it will be a calming experience for me. I have to do it anyway, because I can't take this way of being any longer. I'm always trying to distract myself, I never want to pay attention, I just want to go inwards, I can't just be satisfied (this took me a long time to realize). Ironically, I would accomplish so much more for the future if I could let myself exist in the moment.

Everything is good on paper in the moment. Relationship appears to be working (though even as an insider, I never trust appearances anymore), I just became president of a grad group that focuses on sustainable ag (and related socio-economic issues), I received the grant I applied for, and I'm getting faster and stronger (even going up that awful hill is getting slightly easier). Oh, and I love riding my bike so much. With this, and some stats homework to finish, I'm getting ready to go to the conference tomorrow! We're staying at the hotel, so we'll have access to the pool, gym, and hot tub. Yea!

Now if I can find some time to sleep... also the beginning of the semester is always so much easier before exams start. And I'm so busy already.