happy birthweek to me ramble

I really, really want to quit school. They're lucky they have me on a stipend, because that's the main thing keeping me here. My advisor wants me to take longer than it's supposed to take (2 yrs)--I have to find a way out of that. She keeps adding things in--and then you'll be here anyway, you can take another class here! Internally I think NO WAY is that going to happen, you can't keep dragging it out on me. But there's no good way to say that--I have to think of ways to make it happen. Who knows if there will even be funding. The thing is that they want me to have publishable research, not just MS research. So you need to base it on two years of data--okay, maybe I will finish the paper from somewhere else then.

I have to start saying no to her requests (or "this might take me awhile" is a nice way to put it). I haven't because I have wanted to seem super competent. But now I don't care becaue I feel too burnt out. This might be my worst semester as far as classes go, though. Next fall I have to memorize a bunch of plant pathogens for the plant path class, that'll be the worse after this. No more stupid statistics. As far as data and research go, they will keep giving me more work, but it's easier to negotiate than classes.

I'm glad I don't use coffee or any stimulants because that would push me farther than I should go. I wonder who uses hard stimulants... some people must. The kind of person who is very hard on themselves and pushes themselves to the end and then still has to keep going. It's tempting, luckily kombucha's as hard as I can go. It does make me tipsy, it has very minor alcohol content. I'm a kombuchaholic???

I never see Roman and I'm away from home so I kind of wonder "what is the point of all this?" Too bad I don't value earning potential more... Maybe if things get easier it will develop my character instead of making me miserable, that would be good. I keep telling non-Cornell people I meet that the environment is very unhealthy. And my mom always says--keep working harder! It's so good for you! Because she has had too low standards for herself, she knows. But she is also is too hard on herself, on another level. Now that I'm older, instead of arguing, I have to smile and ignore her advice. Sure, mom... God, I just want to move back home. Even if it is freezing there now (it's in the 50s here). It's also hotter there in the summer. I like the extremes, they develop good character. I just want to go home because it is home and I was right not to leave there earlier, it is a good place. Even if they eat hotdish.