Crazy night

I had the most intense experience of my life the night before last, with a very heavy dose of ayahuasca. I wanted to dig deeper than ever before and ended up trying to take on more than I could handle. This medicine allows you to get farther and learn more about yourself and connection with others than you could in a hundred years of meditating. It is so arrogant to suppose you could heal everything by yourself, without the use of medicines from mother nature. It is interesting because many spiritual teachers are very opposed to the use of such medicines--looks like their egos are still getting the better of them.

It was so intense that I am still processing. A lot of it sounds crazy, to be honest, too crazy to make up. There are a few people I was told I should introduce to this medicine, that it could help them process quite a bit of their stuff. But I also am not in a place to tell anyone to do anything. Anyone who suspects I am talking about them is probably right, and you can also ask me about it if you want. Do it if you get the opportunity. If it doesn´t sound right to you, don´t. But know your options. (And anyone who is skeptical should put their ideas to the test for sure--there is so such thing as permanent damage or death from this medicine, ever. So do it if you are suspect and then come back and judge).

I took the first cup, as a full dose instead of the smaller amount people get when they are first starting. It was a very safe, controlled setting; the right place to take on such an amount. After an hour, we were asked if we wanted more. My dose was only starting to set in, and I could barely go to get a second dose. But I felt compelled--that I must do as much as I could, and take care of as much as possible. Normally you would only take a second dose if the first dose wasn´t enough, or if you had already purged the first dose and then wanted to go deeper. Neither was true for me. So I went dark and deep for hours, much longer than the ceremony was supposed to go for. I was convulsing hard for at least five hours, maybe six. Everyone had come more or less out of it, for the most part and several people came over to assist me, telling me I didn´t need to fix everything in one night. That I couldn´t. This didn´t make sense to me, I was so desperate to fix everything. I was trying to clean everything bad out of my body. Finally, finally, after five or six hours I purged. The journey is so much stronger if you don´t purge at the beginning. I was also sick, feverish before I began (that´s not a contraindication, since this medicine is healing), also making it more intense. Finally I figured out that Roman, who was not in the ceremony, should come. He understands me even when I don´t make sense and knows how to communicate to me. Finally they went to get him, but to go get him and come back was a twenty minute walk, total. Understand that when you are unable to reason and have no attachment to your ego, that each second is very long. Finally he came, I was barely able to understand he was there. Eventually he took me home, very slowly having me walk. And then he carried me a fair ways. I was still tripping but gradually came down, I was able to communicate and reason much better. Sometime after dawn, we finally fell asleep for a couple hours.

I got as close to an overdose as you could get, because in cleansing myself, I nearly hurt myself. I would have if I didn´t have everyone else helping me. I had been planning on doing it again last night but needed to recover. I would still like to do it again before I go. I don´t want to be afraid, or lose the connection, or rationalize everything I learned away. I don´t want to erect walls between me and other people. I want to be kinder and more openhearted for everyone I know. And say sorry for everytime I have hurt anyone.