meditation practice

The past few months meditation had been hard, I felt uncomfortable and anxious and sad and terrified. I thought I had to let myself just feel the negative emotions instead of denying them, so I would try and relax into them instead of blocking them. The idea is that the only way out is through. But that wasn't working for me... how long can you be so uncomfortable for, feeling negative things go through you? I was feeling these things constantly. No one could tell, I didn't let it affect my mood, but it was hard to concentrate. I just wanted to zone out and numb myself with my thoughts, because it was too much.

But then lately, I had started to experience what I have heard described as "the witness". That is, I started to be able to step back from how I was thinking and really see everything as an outsider. The witnessing is important because then nothing in life can rattle you too much--you know things will still go on, even if life seems tough.

More importantly, if you can truly witness what is going on, you are free to make choices. So often we imprison ourselves because we don't even see the different options that are available. I am slowly starting to see the infinite number of options available, when I feel there is only one or two or three. I don't have to limit myself to pure habitual reaction.

The last few days this witnessing, combined with the logic that I shouldn't have to feel so horribly miserable from meditation (it shouldn't just bring up junk). Maybe what I thought was terror was excitement and the resistance to this very positive feeling was causing all the trouble. So, negative feelings are caused by resistance (no matter what it is that is being resisted). And now I try to relax more completely than before, not into the resistance/bad feelings but beyond that, into something else I haven't explored much before. It's nice to see new layers creep up under my many thoughts. It's exciting to see where this will lead.

I still get off track constantly in my thoughts, but as long as I keep bringing it back, it doesn't matter. It is still my yoga practice.